Dear namastegirl11:

I know fear very well. This is my input: it is very possible to calm excessive, ongoing fear (how I define “anxiety”)- only it is a long process that requires an amazing amount of gentleness and patience with yourself and with the process itself.

I kept thinking, incorrectly, that once I figure things out, then my fear will.. go away. I kept thinking it was possible to no longer feel fear. I kept thinking, believing and I kept getting disappointed, losing faith and regressing into the fast-feel-good remedies (which in affect increased the fear, following, at best, a temporary distraction/ comfort).

The process for me has been a combination of ongoing greater and greater insight into my childhood and onward and a learning/ practicing of skills. The skills I am referring to is meditation, mindfulness (living, on-going meditation, paying attention) as well as healthy distractions, aerobic exercise, stretching exercise (yoga), hot tea and a hot bath. The choosing of what “tool” from the “tool box” to use so to help yourself along the way.

Hope you post again. I will be glad to reply again, if you’d like.

anita

Hi,

I can relate to the fear you talk about, I feel it too. All I can share with absolute certainty is that you have to do this on your own and not in a relationship. You have to create the space to be with just you. I am doing this at the moment and it is so hard. It is lovely at times and terrifying at others but I have come to understand that the fear is just me doubting myself. Am I good enough? what is wrong with me? why can’t a choose a man that loves me in a healthy way? etc….. It is so easy to go out there and hook up with someone. We all want to love and be loved but we have to spend time alone first. To process, to heal, to fill our life with positive stuff. I continue to want to be with my ex. It pains me so much to not be with him and I know if I tried we could get back together. But then what? You/we need to sit with the pain, frustration and at times loneliness and be with ourselves. Drugs and all that are just going to numb you out. Yoga, swimming, writing, cooking yourself good food, reading etc. Those are ways to nuture yourself. I have to force myself to do those things at the moment but I continue to try because I know they are good for me. I force myself to go out with friends too when all I really crave is my ex. But that is not healthy so I just ride it out and keep going and one day, with work and time you will find a relationship that is healthy and you will be able to function in a healthy way too (same for me). We have to trust that this is so

– what else can we do?