Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Fear in turning things over
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November 5, 2017 at 7:54 am #176551
JenniferParticipantI posted on here a few months back while in a very confused space. Many of the things in my life that were in limbo at that time have since resolved with little effort on my part beyond staying out of the way.
I’ve decided that I AM an alcoholic and have returned to the program. I’ve taken that travel RN assignment I was teetering on and left a position in insurance that was not a good personal fit. I continue to work as a per diem home care nurse. Family relationships have strengthened, as have those with friends. I close on my house sometime between now and 11/22/17. So many fears that have crippled me for a lifetime have started to wash away….fear of finances, fear of responsibility, fear of people, and so on. Yet I continue to feel, very deeply at times, empty. I know that nothing outside myself can fill that void, no amount of accomplishment, (perceived) security, or the like will fill that emptiness. The most appalling part of this is that when that deep sense of emptiness surges, my choices are RIDICULOUSLY poor. Typically involving my ex, these choices just INCREASE the suffering.
In all this droning I am looking for shared experiences, perhaps a suggestion as how to deal with continued empty feelings and my (albeit decreasing) inherent response that is frequently destructive to “change” the way I feel.
November 5, 2017 at 8:07 am #176553
AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
Welcome back!
Regarding the “continued empty feelings”, that “deep sense of emptiness”- will you share more about it, the nature of that emptiness, what thoughts go with it, how long ago do you remember feeling it…?
anita
November 5, 2017 at 12:10 pm #176589JenniferParticipantAnita,
I’m not sure when it started, but I first became aware of it in my teens; my best friend had been put in catholic school in 11th grade as we had been getting in trouble. On my 17th birthday she went snowboarding and hadn’t invited me….at that time we both had driver’s licenses and she had been like a sister. I went on vacations with her and her family and (felt I) was basically a part of their family. At that time I didn’t have many other friends. I began using distraction (in a very obvious, self destructive way) to fill it that void; men, vacations, extreme sports, etc. Since then I had not developed close relationships until the last 2-3 years while in AA.
November 6, 2017 at 5:10 am #176635AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
I re-read all your posts since April 5 so to understand that emptiness. I hope my developing thoughts will help. I will state some of the following as if they were facts but these are suggestions for you to evaluate. Let me know of your thoughts, if you’d like.
Yesterday you wrote about your first memory of that emptiness: “I went on vacations with her and her family and (felt I) was basically a part of their family”. May 3 you wrote about that same friend: “(She) became like my family, I spent all my time with them, including school nights as my brother had become violent at that time. I recall thinking of them as family but realizing I was not when they would have me take their family photo at Christmas or other holidays”.
Spending time with the friend and her family was where you felt the opposite of emptiness. At home you felt emptiness, that is fear and aloneness. With your friend’s family you felt safety and togetherness. I think it was an intoxicating feeling. Unfortunately you knew it was not your family because they didn’t include you in their family photos. And you had to go back home.
I think that your “runner” lifestyle (“historically been a ‘runner’. I’ve run from jobs, friendships, responsibility”, April 5) is based on that emptiness that you experienced in your home of origin, the ongoing fear you experienced there. I think that the freedom you yearn for is the freedom from that experience at home, an experience that you understandably re-live. Understandable, because we don’t get to shed our brain like we do our skin, so the experience remains
“I want to get back to where I was with a feelings my of freedom, rather than feeling trapped now…traveling nursing, free time to adventure, but with the ability to connect with people”, April 6.
You keep feeling trapped because you were, in reality, trapped inside your home of origin. You wanted out then, as a child. You found it temporarily when spending time with your family’s friend. That safety and togetherness feeling is the freedom you long for.
On April 18 you wrote: “my deepest desires are to travel and be carefree”- the deepest desire of the child that you were (and the adult that you are) is to leave home, leave that emptiness, the fears, the cares, feeling you were a burden.
On April 19 you wrote: “I’m afraid of being stuck where I am; that I’ve trapped myself”- again, feeling trapped and stuck, same thing, the little girl trapped and stuck with the two parents and a brother who you could not depend on, who did not give you that feeling of safety, but of fear and emptiness.
On May 3 you wrote about your mother: “She raised me to be independent, never needing to lean on or trust in another…During this time my mom impressed upon me the importance of taking care of myself and not looking to depend on anyone else”- unfortunately (and unintendedly, I am sure), she did not raise you to be independent.
She told you that you that you should be independent, but this is not the same as raising you to be independent. To raise a child to be emotionally and practically independent, the parent has to be that person that the child can depend on, lean on. The parent has to provide the child the feeling of safety and togetherness, a connection where the child finds comfort. This is a must. Not optional.
Before you could possibly take good care of yourself, someone else needed to take good care of you. A child cannot grow up to an adult taking good care of herself unless as a child someone else did. You had to have that safety at home so to experience the confidence that you can take care of yourself.
A child needs someone at home to depend on emotionally, in order to grow into an emotionally independent adult.
anita
November 6, 2017 at 7:36 am #176657
PeterParticipantThat old black magic got me in a spell… I relate to that empty feeling of feeling empty. In my case I think coming from the sense of not living my potential. Never putting that potential to the test.
Anyway, my opinion on change is that the only way to “change” the way we feel is to accept the way we feel when we feel it. (Not an acceptance as in a giving up or resignation kind of way but away of experiencing and letting the moment flow to the next.
Most of what you posted centered on fear. F.E.A.R. is almost always False Evidence Appearing Real and you will find that if you honestly evaluate your fears that they are things that never happen. Products of a fixated consciousness that doesn’t takes is eyes off the “evidence”. A step in overcome our fears and fixations it is learning how to direct our consciousness and choose what we pay attention to.
You may also find learning about the role cognitive dissonance/distortions plays in the stories you are living out. It is my opinion that we become the stories we tell ourselves. Or at least they play a very important part in our sense of self. I think if you look at the stories you are telling yourself that you will find allot of cognitive dissonance. Learning to identify the distortions is a required step to moving forward. Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway
November 7, 2017 at 10:24 pm #176971JenniferParticipantAnita and Peter, thank you both for your replies! I appreciate that they are both so sincere as I tend to feel like my posts are petty.
Anita-
Growing up, my brother was violent and 5 years older. By the time I essentially started living with my friend at 12 (as my parents didn’t object due to my brothers behavior) he had escalated to regular destruction of their home and choking, typically because he was high. In retrospect I can see that they did the best they could and loved us indescriminantly, but at the time I felt disposable and as though he was more important. After my friend seemed to abandon me I did not form close relationships again, but preferred disposable ones. As a child I never expressed to my parents that I felt unhappy, not until I began doing it by acting out by about 15, which is when my brother went to jail.
The whole family dynamic has changed tremendously, starting when my brother stopped using about 5 or 6 years ago (without a 12 step program and as the result of a divorce). It has continued to improve and I’ve begun to recall some really happy times and as such feel guilty that I’m tracing my adulthood shortcomings to their parenting. One of my loudest defects now is my tendency to bounce back to an ex only to withdraw, typically with a feeling of disgust. Someone told me about emotional anorexia and after looking it up (much like a horoscope, it’s so broad and roomy I’m sure most people could more or less fit the bill) I feel less unique and have a little better understanding. I selfishly use a man when I feel empty to effect a change in how I feel, then withdraw. I can make it a month or two, but then that deep emptiness returns and I begin the cycle again. I cause a lot of damage to myself and others doing this. How does not feeling safe as a child translate into using men to escape the emptiness; how do I let that behavior go?
Peter-
I had to look up cognitive dissonance; not surprising…I have always called myself a dichotomy and this seems to be a similar concept! The example I read was of the fox and the grapes. Because he could not reach the grapes he dismissed them as being sour. Yet, subconsciously he did want them. So he now has two opposing beliefs about the same bunch of grapes.Would you mind elaborating with an example so I can better understand? I’d like to better see the areas in which I might be doing this so I can challenge the behavior that stems from that feeling!
November 8, 2017 at 5:33 am #176993AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
I understand that you “feel guilty that I’m tracing my adulthood shortcomings to their parenting”- children and adult children do feel guilty for that. I did. Problem with this guilt is that it prevents us from seeing reality as is, stopping us from healing.
It is not about blaming the parents, it is about seeing how things were so that we can heal and live better lives.
You described this behavior: “I selfishly use a man when I feel empty to effect a change in how I feel, then withdraw. I can make it a month or two, but then that deep emptiness returns and I begin the cycle again”, and you asked me: “How does not feeling safe as a child translate into using men to escape the emptiness; how do I let that behavior go?”
My answer: Not feeling safe as a child does not disappear when we are adults because we have the same brain we had then. The brain doesn’t get replaced as we grow up and older. And so not feeling safe as a child does lead to not feeling safe as an adult.
As a child you escaped awareness of that unsafety in any way that was available to you then. As an adult, you escape awareness of same unsafety in any way that is available to you now. Men are available to you now, as a woman.
How to let this behavior go, to stop using (food, drugs, TV, computer games, gambling, people, etc.)? By becoming aware of that emptiness, allowing yourself to experience it. All these behaviors are about removing awareness of that emptiness, of distress. Regaining awareness- and then relaxing into it- is the way. Thing is, of course, it cannot be done easily, and often we need help of quality psychotherapy to do so.
* Your brother, reads to me, found a way, for now, to function better. Can you ask him how he did it, what worked for him?
anita
November 9, 2017 at 1:48 pm #177333JenniferParticipantAnita,
Thank you for answering my question and for your suggestion. I am feeling the emptiness now; trying not to attach to the thoughts or attempt to escape them. Despite the emptiness I feel more grounded now than I’ve ever before experienced, and I am trying to look at the progress rather than how far I have yet to go. I’m sure I’ll utilize this forum again in the future; what a great asset!
November 10, 2017 at 5:31 am #177459AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
You are welcome. It is a long term process, that which you are engaged in now (last post). Focusing on the progress is key, not on a destination, not on the desired result, patiently, gently. I hope to read from you again, and again.
anita
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