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Fear of losing my friend

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  • October 30, 2019 at 2:56 pm #320629
    nycartist
    Participant

    I have a close friend, we’ve been very close for many years. Earlier this year she had a break-up and she came to me when she was hurting. Since then she has become very distant. We are still friends, but I see a definite change in our dynamic. We used to talk everyday, and now it seems that I have to initiate conversation. She responds with shorter answers. She also has become very flaky with plans. It’s frustrating!  I feel like she no longer respects me or my friendship.

    Recently she’s reconciled with the man she was dating before. Now she’s even more distant. I sense that she feels like she overshared when she was in pain from the break-up and is now holding back because part of her is ashamed she took this man back.

    I truly don’t care, and am happy if she’s happy. I don’t feel one way or the other towards the man, I just want my friend to be normal again. I’m not sure how to approach this as I’ve lost a friend in the past from a similar situation. Not sure if I should express my feelings to this friend that she’s treating me differently, pulling away, or if that would make things more tense and awkward. I’ve recently also had some personal epiphanies and am no longer tolerating being treated badly. So I don’t know what way to go with this. I just know I value my friend and don’t want to lose her.

    October 31, 2019 at 9:54 am #320711
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nycartist:

    In March this year you shared that your friend went through a breakup, came over and spent a day and a half and a night with you.  “at some point during the weekend I had to go to a family function so my friend had to leave”-

    -she’s been cold and distant from you ever since (way before getting back together with her boyfriend) and still is, seven months later (assuming it is the same friend). I am guessing then that her withdrawal from you is  not because of her boyfriend and her shame of getting back together with him, but because of what happened perhaps during that weekend she spent with you.

    Maybe she was very offended when you told her that she had to leave because of you attending your family function. Maybe she felt that because of years of friendship with you, while she was hurting, that you could have taken her with you to that family function, or that you could have left her in your home while attending that function and then returned to her. Is it a possibility?

    anita

    October 31, 2019 at 11:01 am #320721
    nycartist
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That may very well be possible. But there are other factors involved for why she couldn’t stay longer. I have a young child and I spent two days giving all of my attention to my friend but after a while it was also time for me to get back to my own responsibilities. I was very hospitable when she was there, got us some wine, took her out to breakfast and let her sleep in and hang around all day the next day.

    I do feel like it’s more than just this instance though. It seems like maybe we are drifting apart for other reasons. Part of which is my life has become more domesticated and she’s more of in the party stage of life. Of course I’d love to join when I can but I have other priorities now as well. It’s definitely causing some other tensions with this friend. I hate that it has become this way as I still would like to think I’m the same person as before I had a baby. I think maybe what my friend is seeking is a new partner in crime to come out and do all kinds of things and I’m just limited now. That, compounded with the breakup had put a strain on this friendship…I’d love to get it back on track just not sure how to do that.

    October 31, 2019 at 11:45 am #320733
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nycartist:

    Definitely your top responsibility and priority then and now is your child, not a friend. You provided more information in your recent post, that she is still in the partying stage and you are a young mother- that will change any friendship, one of the friends becoming a mother for the first time.

    Too bad she didn’t appreciate, so it seems, your hospitality that weekend and responded with coldness,  as if she wasn’t a good friend to start with. Did you ask her what happened, why the change in her behavior?

    anita

    November 1, 2019 at 5:05 am #320805
    nycartist
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I thought about your post all night. In attempting to respond I had a relalization. To answer your question, no I have not asked her about her change in behavior. I don’t think I will because I have learned in life that people will treat you how they choose to treat you. Asking to have it change seems to only make the situation more awkward because they usually become defensive. This has happened to me before when trying to express myself to others. I’m trying to be at a stage where I feel comfortable telling people my needs but past experience is holding me back as it has not been successful. It usually leads to a fight. I think perhaps it’s time to accept that friendships do change and as you said, when a friend becomes a mother it does change things. I have to accept my limitations to meet my friend’s needs that I can no longer meet, and accept that she also is not meeting my needs. I suppose it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends at all but that change is inevitable and I can’t try to hold on to something and prevent it from changing. Perhaps in time we will find a way to rekindle that close friendship.  But I suspect things will go smoother if I meet these changes with acceptance rather than resistance. What do you think? I very much value your opinion as I see you give such wonderful advice to so many people in need of a good and compassionate listener. Thank you.

    November 1, 2019 at 7:22 am #320819
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nycartist:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words- they just brought the first smile of the day to my face. I think that you have a good point about not asking her regarding her change of behavior, I figure her change of behavior speaks for itself.

    “I have to accept my limitations to meet my friend’s needs.. and accept that she also is not meeting my needs”- sensible. She is definitely not meeting you need to have a … friendly friend (“very distant.. I have to initiate conversations. She responds with shorter answers”) or a reliable friend (“She also has become very flaky with plans”).

    “I suspect things will go smoother if I meet these changes with acceptance rather than resistance”- If you just met a woman who is not friendly and is unreliable, would you want to have a friendship with her?

    If not, then I don’t think that you can or should accept her as a friend. You can accept her as an acquaintance, someone you know, someone you had a friendship with.

    Just like any other relationship, some don’t survive the changing of circumstances, some do- and that makes the latter group oh so special and valuable.

    anita

     

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