November 29, 2019 at 5:23 pm #325049
I feel like a big emotional mess right now and I am finding it difficult to cope. I feel like I have no one to turn to or even have a big emotional meltdown to, so here I am…
Let me tell you a little bit about my grandma. All the cliche stuff. She really did have the power to light up any ones life. She had the warmest biggest smile. She was the kindest most giving person. Most of all she is the strongest person I have ever known.
I have always been an introverted person who never really fitted in anywhere in life, be it in primary school, high school, you name it. Even in a workplace, I felt like I never really belonged or no one really accepted me for me. Apart from my Grandma. I remember coming home from work around 9 or 10pm, and she would be up waiting for me so we could have a quick gossip and laugh and jokes. If anyone ever tried to bring me down I remember she would just give me the best life advice and pick me back up again. She is my whole world. She has loved me unconditionally for 28 years, she has given me so much love and happiness right from a young age. She raised me and means more to me than anyone else in this world.
She was diagnosed with COPD some years ago, which is a progressive irreversible lung disease. With this over the years came her heart failure and Alzheimers. We thought we would lose her 5 years ago, when the doctors put her on palliative care and told us she was not going to make it. With our 24hr care, prayers, love, and hope she pulled through. Even took her off palliative care. She had a good few years and I felt like I had got my grandma back.
However, the last two months she has been slowly deteriorating again. It sort of came out of no where. She fell ill suddenly, 2 hospital admissions, and doctors again said avoid bringing her into hospital as she is only going to get worse and to keep her ‘comfortable’ at home. She doesn’t speak. Barely eats. She’s on home oxygen. Barely even recognises me anymore. She’s 83 years old but I know she is a fighter.
Growing up with her and her being a mum figure to me, being my best friend, this jolly full of life person to how she is now is just unbearable and a painful experience. I feel like I can’t accept the fact that she may be at her end stage of life, I cannot accept that she is leaving this world, I can’t imagine my life without her. My life has no meaning without her. Everything seems irrelevant and lonely and dark. I feel like I am already starting to lose myself. I spend all my time with her next to her bedside at home. I feel like I am being selfish. If I leave her to go to work, I feel guilty. On my way home, I feel anxious and depressed because of seeing her in the state she is in. I wake up in the morning with this horrible feeling scared to hear if she is still here or not. I miss her energy, I miss her advice, I miss her big smile, I miss annoying her, I miss her infectious laugh, I miss everything about her. Its like she is here but not here anymore.
I can’t even speak about it with friends and family as I can’t express myself emotionally to them.
I am just inconsolable right now. I know I am being selfish as everyday people are going through similar things if not worse. I have never lost a loved before which heightens my anxieties. I know its the circle of life and all that stuff…I just don’t know how I will cope with such a big void in my life. she is my whole world. Without her my life has no meaning.November 30, 2019 at 3:30 am #325299
My grandma raised me, along with my mom. I am so sorry for your situation. You are not selfish, but you do need to let her go, and give her permission if you can. It was so hard for me to tell my grandma that it was ok to go. She had had a major stroke that took everything but her life. She was bed bound, unable to speak or eat, and lived for about 4 months following the stroke. Shortly after we told her it was ok, she passed.
You described your grief as very dark, and I experienced the same thing. I panicked when I first felt that dark void. Prior to experiencing grief from the loss of a person in my life, I thought it was simply deep sadness. You will get through it! She will be close to you after she passes. She will. My suggestion would be to find a good psychic medium, and you will see that she is still right there, just no longer inhabiting her body. She will always look out for you and love you, in this life and the next.
I lost my darling boyfriend to cancer three years ago. The grief that I felt from that loss was so intense, that I didn’t feel I would survive it. YOU WILL. There is a good web site called What’s Your Grief, run by two young widows. They are wonderful and offer lots of information for you to work with. I guess the best thing I got there was information on how to have a healthy relationship with someone who has passed. I was delighted, realizing that I was still in a relationship with him, and I wanted it to be good.
These words to you come from someone who has some distance from the loss. I hope I have been helpful. Please keep reaching out, here and where you are comfortable getting support. You deserve support and love in everything you do in life.
ChrisNovember 30, 2019 at 6:08 am #325307
Your grandma, “She had the warmest big smile. She was the kindest most giving person.. she is the strongest person I have ever known… she would be up waiting for me so we could have a quick gossip and laugh and jokes. If anyone ever tried to bring me down.. she would just give me the best life advice and pick me back up again… She has loved me unconditionally… being a mum figure to me, being my best friend, this jolly full of life person… I miss her energy, I miss her advice, I miss her big smile, I miss annoying her, I miss her infectious laugh, I miss everything about her”.
Be that someone to a lost child out there, pass on this legacy that your grandma has passed on to you.
Like you have been, there are many other children who are “introverted.. who never really fitted in anywhere in life, be it in primary school, high school, you name it.. never really belonged or no one really accepted me for me”- I was one of those children. For me, there was no one like your grandma. You can be this person for someone else, sometime in the future.
Maybe you can work with children and spot this or that child who is lost and lonely, who has not yet been accepted by anyone for who she is.
I can’t think of a better way to honor your grandma that to pass on her legacy.
“I can’t imagine my life without her. My life has no meaning without her. Everything seems irrelevant and lonely and dark. I feel like I am starting to lose myself.. I just don’t know how I will cope with such a big void in my life. She is my whole world. Without her my life has no meaning”-
– imagine being that person, even if it is partly that person, for someone else. Imagine the meaning you will be giving that child or young person, making her or his life relevant, no longer lonely and dark, helping her to find herself, filling in her void, being her whole world and meaning, until the person you help is okay on her own.
This is the end result of your grandma’s work, isn’t it, that you will be okay on your own, living the best life possible for you?
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by anita.