I feel like a big emotional mess right now and I am finding it difficult to cope. I feel like I have no one to turn to or even have a big emotional meltdown to, so here I am…

Let me tell you a little bit about my grandma. All the cliche stuff. She really did have the power to light up any ones life. She had the warmest biggest smile. She was the kindest most giving person. Most of all she is the strongest person I have ever known.

I have always been an introverted person who never really fitted in anywhere in life, be it in primary school, high school, you name it. Even in a workplace, I felt like I never really belonged or no one really accepted me for me. Apart from my Grandma. I remember coming home from work around 9 or 10pm, and she would be up waiting for me so we could have a quick gossip and laugh and jokes. If anyone ever tried to bring me down I remember she would just give me the best life advice and pick me back up again. She is my whole world. She has loved me unconditionally for 28 years, she has given me so much love and happiness right from a young age. She raised me and means more to me than anyone else in this world.

She was diagnosed with COPD some years ago, which is a progressive irreversible lung disease. With this over the years came her heart failure and Alzheimers. We thought we would lose her 5 years ago, when the doctors put her on palliative care and told us she was not going to make it. With our 24hr care, prayers, love, and hope she pulled through. Even took her off palliative care. She had a good few years and I felt like I had got my grandma back.

However, the last two months she has been slowly deteriorating again. It sort of came out of no where. She fell ill suddenly, 2 hospital admissions, and doctors again said avoid bringing her into hospital as she is only going to get worse and to keep her ‘comfortable’ at home. She doesn’t speak. Barely eats. She’s on home oxygen. Barely even recognises me anymore. She’s 83 years old but I know she is a fighter.

Growing up with her and her being a mum figure to me, being my best friend, this jolly full of life person to how she is now is just unbearable and a painful experience. I feel like I can’t accept the fact that she may be at her end stage of life, I cannot accept that she is leaving this world, I can’t imagine my life without her. My life has no meaning without her. Everything seems irrelevant and lonely and dark. I feel like I am already starting to lose myself. I spend all my time with her next to her bedside at home. I feel like I am being selfish. If I leave her to go to work, I feel guilty. On my way home, I feel anxious and depressed because of seeing her in the state she is in. I wake up in the morning with this horrible feeling scared to hear if she is still here or not. I miss her energy, I miss her advice, I miss her big smile, I miss annoying her, I miss her infectious laugh, I miss everything about her. Its like she is here but not here anymore.

I can’t even speak about it with friends and family as I can’t express myself emotionally to them.

I am just inconsolable right now. I know I am being selfish as everyday people are going through similar things if not worse. I have never lost a loved before which heightens my anxieties. I know its the circle of life and all that stuff…I just don’t know how I will cope with such a big void in my life. she is my whole world. Without her my life has no meaning.