Home→Forums→Relationships→Fear of rejection/avoidance – new relationship
- This topic has 57 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
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August 30, 2018 at 1:50 am #223685HelenParticipant
Dear Anita, dear Prash,
Thanks for both of you. I am confident that I will emerge as a stronger person. I can already see that even if it is painful, I don’t blame myself for not being enough in this relationship and I did my best giving the circonstances. I don’t feel guilty and ashamed because I was able to close the door of this relationship bravely. Unlike some of the crushs I had earlier this year, I don’t feel like I am all broken. I didn’t write an angry message or a hopeless one, I was proud of what I wrote and I know that I won’t regret it.
From what I can already see and feel (I am confident enough that I will learn more and gain more clarity), this experience gave me the opportunity to clarify my needs; this relationship was confusing because I didn’t know what I wanted from this, I was afraid to have needs. I had always associated needs with selfishness, something that I learnt at a very young age. When you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you are looking for.
At first, it was painful to acknowledge the fact that even if I was respectful, reach for clarity and honesty, he didn’t act that way. I felt diminished, had the feeling that I didn’t count, that these moments didn’t count because he didn’t close this relationship respectfully. But i realize that I count and him being a coward has nothing to do with me, it is his only answer right now and I want to be with someone who claims his responsibilities for his acts.
I also realize that I have a great circle of friends that support me when I fall and I am grateful for that. I didn’t take them for granted but sometimes you feel the love more intensely. And this community is full of open hearts and mindful people that help me grow in the path I chose.
As Susan Jeffers stated in her book “Feel the fear and do it anyway”, this man was not my life. It we were meant to be, we would be. If not, so be it. I trust that my subconscious mind and the universal energy are creating the perfect relationship for me. I can let go, trusting that everying is happening perfectly. My life is full. My life is rich. There is nothing to fear.
I am kind enough with myself to accept the ups and downs, I am patient enough, time will help me to heal.
Thanks again,
Helen
August 30, 2018 at 3:45 am #223693AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
You are welcome. Your recent post is a great post, lots in it and I want to respond to all that I see in it.
You stated: “I can already see that even if it is painful… I don’t feel like I am all broken”- the ending of this relationship hurts less, way less suffering for you than previous endings.
And the reasons for that: no guilt and no shame this time: “I don’t blame myself… I did my best given the circumstances. I don’t feel guilty and ashamed”.
It is shame and guilt that hurts the most.
There was no loss of control on your part, pride about not having lost control, not having done something that you would have regretted later: “I didn’t write an angry message or a hopeless one, I was proud of what I wrote and I know that I won’t regret it”.
You recognized bravery in you:”I was able to close the door of this relationship bravely”.
Pride in your behavior, acknowledging your bravery, these build the confidence you stated that you feel.
“this experience gave me the opportunity”- seeing a painful experience as an opportunity to learn is how you gain wisdom and function better in the future.
“this relationship was confusing because I didn’t know what I wanted from this… When you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you are looking for”- excellent insight.
“I had always associated needs with selfishness, something that I learnt at a very young age”- you identified a false/ incorrect core belief: to need is to be selfish. Truth is, to need is human.
And what is it that you need? “clarity and honesty… (to be treated) respectfully… someone who claims his responsibilities for his acts”
You recognized the great value of social/ emotional support. You mentioned a book you read that helps you feel better, one correction, if I may, you wrote that you read in the book, if I understand correctly, that there is “a perfect relationship” for you and that “everything is happening perfectly”- these are comforting words, yes. But they are not true and therefore they will hurt you later on when you find out that there is no perfect relationship and nothing really happens perfectly.
Improved, way improved, way better, but not perfect.
“I am kind enough with myself to accept the ups and downs, I am patient enough“- necessary ingredients for healing and functioning better and better in life.
A pleasure to read your post and hope to read more and more from you during the ups and the downs, wishing you ongoing and increasing clarity and peace of mind.
anita
October 4, 2018 at 9:12 am #228991HelenParticipantHi all,
Thanks Anita for what you wrote in your last message, it also helped me to see what I came from and what I learnt.
For the book, I am aware that there won’t be a perfect relationship right there, I really think that being in a love relationship is by far, the most difficult thing in the world, to be atune, resolving conflicts, dealing with frustration and renewing the genuine interest for this person.
I had the time to reflect on this experience this past month. It was for me a growing stunning experience in fact. I discovered what means clear and healthy boundaries. Before that time, I read articles on boundaries, I read words but I didn’t understand their meaning, now it is crystal clear for me, and I can’t unlearn this lesson.
I had another date with someone else and I could exercice on my assertiveness, stating what I want. Unfortunately, we don’t want the same things despite a beautiful connection with him. I think I am still boost by the chemical romance because even if I know I made the right call, I can’t help to feel regretful not to continue to see him.
Helen
October 4, 2018 at 11:43 am #229045AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
You are welcome. I need to get away from the computer but will be back in about sixteen hours to read and reply to your recent post. Take good care of yourself.
anita
October 5, 2018 at 5:13 am #229155AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
You are welcome. You wrote: “being in a love relationship is by far, the most difficult thing in the world”- it makes it easier when thoughtfully choosing the man for the relationship.
Regarding the man you mentioned, if it was “a beautiful connection” and you were able to successfully exercise being assertive with him (being comfortable enough doing that, and he reacted well, I assume), why will you not see him again?
“we don’t want the same things”- is the difference in wants so huge, unbridgeable?
anita
October 5, 2018 at 5:27 am #229159HelenParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for responding to me. Unfortunately, I do think the differences is too important, he has been in a long term relationship and don’t want to be involved in something more than casual.
However, we both appreciated our evening together, everything was very smooth and I feel at ease with him, no red flag from my body or my mind except of course the fact that I don’t want casual sex and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
He will leave in a couple of weeks for a one month trip so it will make it easier to move on, I guess.
I feel like I should celebrate the fact that I could practice my assertiveness because it aligns with what I want in the long run and appreciate these moments anyway, but my brain is still processing a lot.
Helen
October 5, 2018 at 6:33 am #229173AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
Practicing assertiveness is so very important and will make your life so much better in the long run. I hope you take every opportunity to practice it. I agree, it is a difference too great, him being interested in a casual sexual relationship while you are interested in a committed, monogamous emotional relationship.
If you want to share more about what your brain is currently processing, please do.
anita
October 5, 2018 at 8:05 am #229199HelenParticipantDear Anita,
It is a mix of thoughts:
– I am happy to see that there are people out there that I find attractive and that found me attractive too, with whom I can relate with.
– I am frustrated to see that the people I went on dates with are not into anything except casual dating. I can find some reasons why: they are generally independent, willing to travel a lot, curious people but I can also see a pattern.
For example this guy, he looks a bit like the previous one: easy-going but not willing to commit. Maybe I find them attractive also because it is a familiar pattern, but I am now more aware about the why.
– I am also frustrated with myself, I would like to appreciate these moments for what they are and not always thinking about the destination and the certainty.
Helen
October 5, 2018 at 8:28 am #229205AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
This is online dating, correct? If so, don’t you have it in your profile that you are interested in a certain relationship, not a casual one?
anita
October 5, 2018 at 8:54 am #229213HelenParticipantDear Anita,
Yes it is online dating, I don’t know why, but I don’t feel ready to write on my profile that I am not looking for casual dating.
I feel like it is not something very natural, even if the whole process of online dating is already not very natural!
Helen
October 5, 2018 at 9:12 am #229219AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
I think it will be part of exercising assertiveness, to state in your profile what you are looking for. You don’t have to state what you are not looking for, if you state clearly what it is that you are looking for.
And indeed, practicing assertiveness, or any behavior we are not used to, feels unnatural!
Until, over time and practice, it becomes a habit, and then it feels natural.
anita
October 5, 2018 at 9:25 am #229223HelenParticipantDear Anita,
It is funny because I can see the benefit of writing this on my profile but I can also feel a great resistance! I think I will try to welcome this resistance, become familiar with this idea of putting something on my profile and go with it.
Helen
October 5, 2018 at 10:24 am #229245AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
This resistance may be nothing more with the idea of doing something you are not in the habit of doing, stating what you need and want. This may feel too daring when one is not used to it. But it will benefit you, a man who wants the same thing, who also doesn’t want casual, may say: yes, this is just what I want!
anita
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