November 27, 2019 at 10:17 am #324851MichellieBellieParticipant
I posted here about a year ago and alot has changed since then. My mother died, I moved in with my Aunt in Virginia, and hope on resuming classes in Fall 2020.
I’m working now at a great place, with great people, but I’m so afraid of losing it. The last time a worked, it ending with me in a mental hospital because I was breaking down. Today I woke up an 1/2 an hour late and panicked.
Yesterday I did the usual dread of people who had to work the next day, so there was no problem there. But in the back of my mind I was replaying the other day’s events: Still dealing with my fight with my aunt on Friday, Wondering does she or why she hates me, fear of losing where I live, Suspicion some of my co-workers talking about me, My weird tick of staring or constantly looking at people or things in the corner of my eye, if I’ll even be able to keep this job, How much I NEED THIS JOB TO SURVIVE. So when I manage to even sit up in the bed, I called my Leader for today and ask if I could change shifts since I was so late. She said she couldn’t and asked what time do I think I will be coming in today? And I said “I dont know. I think I’m having an anxiety attack right now.” Which I was. I was. Then she said that she’ll give me the day off and I just broke out crying because I dont want to lose my job again. And the same thing happed before in 2017. Yet, the Leader was more understanding and kind the my other manager. But, it’s still not good. I still could continue to shut down like before and my mom isnt here to help now. And I really think my aunt isnt happy with me. And I know that it’s really her, not me but still. And I also live with my sister who is also feeling the pressure between my aunt and I. I dont know what to do.November 27, 2019 at 11:35 am #324875anitaParticipant
I replied to your thread of September 2018 and asked you a question there, but you didn’t reply. Maybe you didn’t read my reply, maybe the question I asked stressed you out. And of course, there is no requirement that you answer any question I ask you (nor any question any member asks you).
If you didn’t attend quality psychotherapy yet, I think it is time to do so. I understand that you may not have the money to do so, but there are services for a sliding scale and even free. You are young and there is no reason for you to be forever stuck (“I’m stuck. In a rut. I’m at my lowest point yet”, Sept 2018) and to still live with so much anxiety and distress.
There is a way better life possible for you.
anitaNovember 27, 2019 at 11:52 am #324881MichellieBellieParticipant
Hi, I do remember you and your question and it comes back to me time to time and I think I know now. I have an older sister with problems, mental problems that caused a lot of stressed with th he family. And I remember the fights, the stress, the tears, and think I dont want to be like her. I can’t be like her, then in high school i developed bad anxiety.
There was one key point that showed the damaged and it was I didnt want to take medication because I didnt want to be like her. I told myself i was a freak and a weirdo.
I’m in the process for Medicare so hopeful soon I can get the help I need.November 27, 2019 at 12:07 pm #324887anitaParticipant
I do hope you get the help you need soon. Your older sister, how is she now?
If you want, tell me about your relationships with your parents, past and present. Again, if you want to. It is quite easy for me to connect the past to the present at this point. Do you see a connection between your sister’s and your present troubles and that past home life you shared as young children?