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Feel bit lost

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  • September 22, 2018 at 8:49 am #226653
    Petal
    Participant

    I came to write a post but in reading others which some I will reply to later I realise perhaps I’m just feeling a bit lost and just need to find a little direction .

    Where do I start. I am 50 thereabouts have a nice family but none of them live close by. I live rurally and work in a local town. My husband has no real interest in me and is really only interested in work . I turned to the internet to fill a huge lonely void in my life and I have a couple of nice friends from there . Sadly though some people ply on the vulnerable and that has left me pretty more lost and vunerable .

    I want to change . I want to be the happy person I used to be . I spend lots of time alone and no one knows the torment inside me. I like to read and walk but all I do now is eat to fill the void . Some days I’m motivated to be better . Others like today I just want to disappear.

    Has anyone else felt like this and how did it get better ?

    September 22, 2018 at 9:12 am #226679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    Yes I felt lonely a whole lot in my life and I too craved for connection, for someone to share that “torment inside” and make it better. It got better for me when finally someone did care to see and hear that torment inside. Your life circumstances make it difficult to find such a person because you live in a rural setting, working in a small town and you are married … to a man who doesn’t care to see that torment.

    On line here, you can share more about that torment and I will read your words attentively and empathetically. That may help you just a bit.

    Will it be wise for you perhaps to end the marriage, move away?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about 19 hours. If you reply I will respond again when I am back. I hope other members will answer you before I am back.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    anita

    September 22, 2018 at 11:03 pm #226733
    Petal
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for replying .

    I don’t feel like I can end the marriage because although my husband only seems interested in work he depends on me a lot. He has an illness and needs special diet so I look after all that for him. I have actually told him if I was not here he would become very ill and he agreed. Also he has suffered depression and I feel he could easily slip back . He is good right now so I couldn’t even contemplate to hurt him or cause him illness.

    i did make a special friend on the internet who helped me a lot who listened to me understood me and for 3 years was a huge support for me. We talked about nature, cookery , our families , politics , religion, everything and anything . He was 70 and has daughters the same age as me . My own dad died early enough as did my mum so I think I just reached out in grief. But now my friend has cancer and has to all extents and purposes disappeared . So lots of grief in my life.

    I need a purpose really. Get some new routines going . I have a friend who I walk with . I could drive to meet my sister more. I just find everyone is too busy to bother anymore.

    But it’s down to me too , to make more an effort. I know from reading here I’m lucky than some but of course no one can help how they feel inside . It scares me sometimes that I just wish I wasn’t here .

    Thankfully I believe with some work on myself I can overcome this. Just need to try little by little

    September 23, 2018 at 3:08 am #226751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    I would like to understand better. You wrote, “My husband has no real interest in me”- was he always not interested in you and if he was once interested, what happened and when did that change?

    anita

    September 23, 2018 at 1:57 pm #226839
    Petal
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    no it wasn’t always like that .  But since he became an owner of a company about the same time as the birth of our third  ( and last child) he basically became interested mainly only in work . So about 17 years ago.

    September 24, 2018 at 5:57 am #226949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    You are not considering leaving him and moving away, so you are limited to the social life that is available to you, that friend you walk with, your sister that you can visit more often, co workers perhaps, online. You mentioned a new routine, that can help as well.

    And I suppose you did everything you could to explain to your husband that you are lonely and he.. doesn’t care?

    anita

    September 24, 2018 at 2:55 pm #227315
    Petal
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    yes I told him that I am lonely but it goes in one ear and out the other . Today was much better .  I texted my friend to walk with me and it helped a lot .

    September 25, 2018 at 8:15 am #227423
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    What motivates you to take care of him, to cook for him and so  on, why do you do these things for him?

    anita

    September 25, 2018 at 10:51 am #227457
    Petal
    Participant

    I suppose because I married him , took a vow , and I feel guilty if I do not . Also I worry he could become depressed .   I do still care about him and don’t want to hurt him .

    September 25, 2018 at 11:11 am #227469
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    I wish he cared about you though. I don’t understand your care for him when he doesn’t care for you. Don’t you get angry at him, angry about your situation, the one-way caring?

    anita

    September 26, 2018 at 3:04 am #227571
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Petal,

    Anita does a wonderful job of reaching out, and I agree with all she has said and asked.  I wanted to chime in because I had a couple of thoughts too.

    I understand why you stay with your husband, but like Anita, I wonder…does your marriage meet your needs too?  Do you know what those needs are?

    I am in a marriage that has provided financial support, but not a whole lot more.  I have stayed for a lot of reasons, but being married to my best friend and soulmate aren’t those reasons.  I haven’t left because it would mean upset and disappointment for many people, and selfishly, it would mean a lot of changes that I am not willing to make at this point.

    Sometimes understanding why we do what we do, and accepting that understanding can bring its own peace, and this can be a form of happiness.

    I am curious…what are some of the things you love to do?  What are your interests?

    Airene

    September 26, 2018 at 6:29 am #227589
    Petal
    Participant

    Airene

    I sound very like you . I stay for many of those reasons too . The whole extended family would suffer but I admit I stay mainly for him. I know he would crumble . Airene I love to read and walk and cook and talk and I like listening to music .

    Anita I don’t get angry anymore . I’m more accepting I think and that’s why I’m trying to now make more of a life for me and do other things . Funnily we are actually going out tonight together first time in long time something he wants to do though and he didn’t want go alone but I’m happy to make effort and go .

     

    He is mainly so so wrapped up in work and money though he doesn’t realise yet what he has missed out on all these years .

    I appreciate your replies

    September 26, 2018 at 7:36 am #227599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    I hope that somehow, for some reason, your husband will look at you and see that something about you that he saw before, something he forgot and stopped looking at, that he realizes there is a whole person there in this dutiful wife who cooks for him and takes care of him. It would be so very nice if he did. I think it would be.

    anita

    * Dear Airene: so good to read your posts today.

    September 27, 2018 at 11:18 am #227803
    Petal
    Participant

    Thank you Anita . It has helped me somewhat even writing here . And being able to associate with Airene made me feel I’m not alone .

    September 27, 2018 at 11:45 am #227805
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petal:

    You are not alone. So many of us are alone so much of the time, with people around us or not. Post again anytime. Whenever I am at the computer and you post, I will reply. Will take a break and be back in about fifteen hours from now. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

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