My childhood was rough. Witness to domestic violence countless times. I would have got up from a very early age and thrown myself in the middle to try and protect my mum when she was the target. I got beaten and abused by my dad regular. On the flip side of this i was his favourite and the best thing since sliced bread. One minute i was the best then the next i was being called all the names of the day and beaten.

Fastforward to when i was 17 my mum left him, i tried to maintain a relationship wuth him but just couldnt because of his behaviour.

I had my son when i was 22, up until this my sister still saw my dad. She said he had really changed so i gave him another chance. This chance ended with him beating and torturing his gf while my son and i where in the house on christmas eve. My son was sleeping i packed our stuff to leave. My dad pinned my against the wall with a knife to my throat telling me he would kill me if i rang the police. Anyway i had already rang police knew they where on their way. This was in 2011. I havent saw nor had any contact with him since.

Over the yrs various women have contacted myself, my mum and my brother to tell us what hes done to them. He got remarried and had a kid whos now 3. His now ex wife contacted my mum to tell her what my dad done to her. Its beyond a beating, it was an extended period of basically torture. Holding her down and peeing on her, holding her head in the toilet and flushing it over and over. Throwing her on the floor , walking on her and laughing. Theres more details but basically i struggle with emotions nightmares etc when i hear stuff about him and ive made it clear i do not want to hear anymore. But this has hit me hard, i feel discusting that theres any part of him in me, i loathe myself. My self confidence has never been great and feel this might be a reason why that i havent connected with until now. I know im not like him in his sick depravied behaviour but i loathe the fact that i came from someone who behaves this way. I saw heard enough in childhood that his latest doings doesnt surprise me but its rising up alot of self hatred and self loathing.

I dont know how to unpack all of this that it no longer affects my life. Ive carried this inner turmoil for too long. I want to be free but dont know how.