Dear Meg:

In your post before last you wrote: “I feel confident about divorcing him when I’m not near him,

but then when he is around, I again start to feel hopeful and doubt my decision to leave”-

You asked for advice for dealing with this struggle, so I am trying to understand the struggle better: when you feel hope, when he is around what thoughts and feelings are in that HOPE that you feel?  (are there … loving feelings, attachment feelings in that hope…)?

anita

Dear Meg:

You wrote that you “have never really been an adult without him” –

A child is naturally attached to her parent, even if it is an abusive parent (often even more so). A child needs the parent for safety, as do other mammals: we are born needing the parent. When a parent is abusive, we hold on to any and every positive behavior on the part of the parent as “proof” that we are in good hands, with a person who can and will take good care of us.

You wrote that you “see glimmers of positive things and hold onto them”- like a child. Lots of people don’t mature in the following way no matter how old: they do not see the object of attachment (parent, husband) as she/he is. They do sometimes but then dismiss what they saw and see only a little bit of the picture, a corner of it, and ignore the rest. Not holding on to the whole picture for long, a person remains confused.

You painted a clear picture of your husband on this thread. I can see him. Problem is, when he is around, you dismiss that picture and you hover over a little brush of color here, there, isolated little areas of color, glitter.

anita

Dear Meg:

You are welcome. You wrote that you are “trying to think through what (you) want to say to him when he returns”- I think what you say to him when he returns doesn’t matter, outside your feelings. In other words, whatever it is that you will say to him will not fix the relationship. The relationship dynamics are set in stone, at this point. No magic wording can dissolve that cement.

Do you think that there is something you can say to him that he will NOT dismiss? Anything you say to him that he will not point to as “your fault! your problem!” or otherwise dismissed, ignored?

anita

Dear meg:

You want to tell him that it is not fair to him to waste his time with you when you are NOT fully invested in the marriage anymore, correct?

I don’t think he is an innocent child in this marriage. His behavior indicates that he is beyond caring for what is fair or not in HIS own behavior. And he is beyond caring for the quality of the marriage.

Again, does it matter what you say? Or is it that you might as well just move your lips without a sound, or mumble incomprehensible sounds, same affect?

anita

Dear Meg:

Reads to me that it doesn’t matter what you say, doesn’t matter for the purpose of honest communication, that is. If you tell him you are leaving him (again), he may beg you to stay (again), but there will not be a change, only the same-old-same-old.

Dear Meg:

Thank you for the update. I am excited for you! You are doing the right thing for yourself, as long as you know that at times, you will feel weak. At times you will doubt yourself. At times you will be very tired and very tempted to keep going with the same-old-same-old.

At those times, feel free to come back to your thread, and when I am at the computer, and I see you posted, I will reply to you first.

When you do doubt yourself again (and it will happen), you don’t have to reverse all the way back to paralysis. Make a note to your “Doubting Self” to be read at those times, tell yourself to not engage in that doubt- acknowledge it and disengage.

Do be true to yourself, to your desire to matter in your own life.

anita

Dear Meg:

When you told him “I’m done!”- one time should have been enough for you to have stated it. After all, you didn’t ask him: “Are we done?”, you stated it. It is not up for him to accept or reject.

“He keeps demanding”-

Don’t be meek. It is tough, but use this experience to assert yourself, not to ask for his permission, wait for his approval and cooperation. He doesn’t ask for your permission, he is demanding. Don’t submit.

Post anytime. I am concerned and want to read that you are strong and doing what is right for you!

anita