I’m going to try to make this as short as possible but i’ve been a lurker here for some time, and its my first time posting something here – i am currently lost in life. I feel as if the events surrounding my life is holding me back. I am not sure am I just too stubborn in pursuing the things I want? Or i’m just not patient enough.. Anyway –

I graduated from my Architecture degree 2 years ago, and upon graduating I’ve started working almost immediately to look after my family. My mom was sick and within these two years i’ve been the financial provider for my family. I have an elder sis (who is suffering from depression and she’s unable to work at the time) and a younger sis who is still studying. I lost my dad 18 years ago due to heart disease. So growing up, my mother had to look after her 3 young children all by herself. We struggled after losing my dad, and because my mom cannot afford to work and leave her three young children by ourselves, we relied a lot on my mom and dad’s savings. My mom struggled to bring us up – but still able to provide a life that we are very thankful for. We got food, clothes and she paid for our school and university fees (god knows how expensive they were) but she did everything she could to provide for us the life that we need for a better future.

My mother passed away 3 months ago, and I am still in grief but I know life has to go on. My only regret is that, despite all the hard work and the hardships she had to go through – I am unable to provide her a comfortable life. To top it off, she had to suffer from cancer, and those 2 years of suffering were very tough on us. My elder sister did not make things easier too, despite my mom’s suffering, my sister was in a manic depressive state – totally oblivious to what’s going on in our lives and continue to blame the world for not setting the sun in her path. But I’ve managed to bring her to her doctor and things have been much better since then. She got herself a job and is able to look after herself independently (i am still worry of a relapse, because it is not the first time she recovered and got herself into a depressive state again)

I have dreams and ambitions. I have goals in life that I want to achieve. The past 2 years when i was looking after my mother – many of my peers have left me behind by pursuing their studies further (in architecture we need our post grad for license purpose) or going somewhere in life. While im stuck here in the same place, doing the same thing, being in the same firm that pays me “okay” but unable to recognize my talent and skills. I feel depressed. Stuck, and ultimately lost in life.

Yes, i understand i cannot compare myself to other people. Many of them were more privileged than me, and i know i am lucky to have what i have too. Sometimes, you just can’t help it. I really wanted to continue my studies – but financially i am tied down. I had wanted to move abroad to try to enter a few firms that would at least recognize my talent and skills and at the same time save up for my studies – they responded but unable to hire due to the tough times they’re facing in this uncertain economic climate. I feel that my times were wasted going for all the interviews, spending so much on flight tickets and suffering a blow to my confidence cause of the continuous rejection i am facing in interviews. Though many have comforted me by saying it is not me, but just the immigration policy and the cost of hiring a foreigner is expensive so its not a viable option for them to hire in this uncertain economy. But again, i am being faced with another obstacle in life.

The reason i am looking forward to go abroad is because of the currency, i am able to earn more by moving abroad – and honestly, I am really passionate and willing to work hard in my field, and had won numerous awards in both academic and competitions (local and internationals). That may not mean something to you, but please try to understand that i am not here whining for not getting the chances i think i’m supposed to get. But I am trying to understand why is it longer for me to go after the things i want while almost everyone around me had it easier. I am willing to work for what I want.. but i know i must leave my current environment, yet I do not know where else to go. I am not usually like this, i do not know if my family issues has worn me out, or the constant rejections that i had to face is killing my confidence.. but yep, i am still here trying to fight through it all.

p/s: Two of the firms that interviewed me were close to hiring but (as expected) both declined to pursue my application further due to resource issues and immigration policy. So I am writing this now while waiting for my flight home – i am disappointed, lost, demotivated, angry and depressed with how things are. Though i’m not really sure what i am trying to seek by writing this all out? but perhaps just to share with this forum and get some insights.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

God bless