It’s nice to have a place to speak my mind, I feel like I haven’t been doing much of that for the last 7++ years.That’s also how long my first-ever, serious relationship has been going on. My story is a bit long, but I’ll try to fit in the important details.

We met when I applied for a part-time job during my last year in college. He’s 13 years my senior. We were both from out of town finding our way in the big city (although he’s been here longer than I have).

Things happened really fast, definitely too fast now that I look back. But we’ve reached many milestones, met each other’s families, moved in together followed by a tumultuous long distance relationship that lasted a year (his job requires him to travel a lot). Lots of ups and downs, particularly because of finances and the fact that he’s a high-functioning alcoholic (despite his religious upbringing).

Then when he turned 40, things took a turn for the worse to the point where he disappeared from my life but would check in every now and then. I ended up traveling to visit him, saw with my eyes how his life really was spiraling out of control. He wasn’t eating, drinking heavily, lost weight, hardly slept but was convinced he felt younger than ever. I did not recognize this person, yet I stayed for a week because I had nowhere else to go. Classic co-dependency behavior.

For the rest of that year, I experienced severe depression, to the point where I was prescribed meds. I didn’t really have family or friends to confide in since they’re all back in my hometown and my job (which I love) keeps me here. I managed to work my way back to some sort of normalcy using yoga, doing things for myself and reading this site. I grew up a lot that year, and was so certain that I could find the strength to move out, move on with my life and never look back.

When his younger brother died suddenly, he decided to give up alcohol for good. It’s been close to two years but I wouldn’t call it sober since he didn’t go through AAA or anything. So a lot of the underlying reasons behind his addiction might not have really been resolved, but I know that it is not my job to “fix him.” It really felt this time like he was trying. We had a proper holiday there, before he moved back here, got his finances sorted out, started taking care of his health. He takes care of his late brother’s children like his own. Things where finally beginning to feel normal.

He currently works in the city while I stay in our home in the suburbs because it’s more convenient (he sold his car). We’d spend days every week catching up with each other, discussing the future, although I told him I’m not at a point to get married while he has said that he’s considering it soon. I’m looking for a deeper level of intimacy, where we both can speak our minds and truths without feeling judged or fear of rejection. And I don’t feel like we’ve reached that stage despite all these years, which is something I need in order to feel ready to settle down together. Tried to bring this across to him, yet he doesn’t seem as eager to open up any further or to rock the boat.

A week ago, I was feeling upset about my father’s ailing health and wanted someone to talk with, but he msgd that he was busy entertaining his staff and that I should try and sleep first. I felt so let down, and told him so through by messaging: “Maybe you should rethink what it feels like to be there for people, because lately I feel like I’ve been putting your needs first before my own. I send you this to let you know how I feel.” Sending it was like an adrenaline rush, as though I finally released all these pent up emotions.

He proceeded to stonewall me, barely replied even though I have since apologized for the outburst. Unfortunately, this all happened before the weekend when his family was coming down to stay in our home. I didn’t mind them staying over, or him borrowing my car to chauffeur them around while I stayed in the city (it was pretty clear that he didn’t want me to meet them this round). Face to face encounters with him were awkward, with emotions were brimming under the surface. The weekend passed with barely any communication, so I kept myself busy while seeking solace by enjoying my own company… something which I hadn’t done in a while since he moved back.

I only cried the first few days before the weekend when he wasn’t communicating despite my efforts to get him to open up. It felt like reliving the trauma of those early days when he was working overseas, a big sign that I haven’t really let things go.

When we finally met again, he tells me he needs a few days before we can talk, which will probably be this weekend. I held back my emotions (because it was a monday morning) and was so tired from not sleeping well these past few days that I didn’t want to blow up on him. All i could muster was a thank you, have a good week ahead. His last message was “thank you for giving me space… will let you know when ready to talk, probably this weekend… must tell if need help at anytime, take care”. I’m giving him his space, not initiating contact till then.

Every day that passes by, I feel my heart growing more numb, almost like a defense mechanism. I’m not expecting anything from the outcome, whether we stay together, or it ends. I’m leaving it up to fate.

It’s the “letting things be” part that i’m struggling the most with. The anxiety of worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet. I’ve tried writing down in my journal all these intrusive thoughts about what I want to say. I know that things cannot continue this way, but there’s a part of me is very fearful of what lies ahead. It’s so hard… the only thing that keeps me from hiding away at home is my job, having some sort of routine. Am I going crazy? I feel so lost.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.