Hello Buddha Family,

I don’t know what to expect by speaking my truth, but i’m in pain so here goes nothing…

I’m a month out of a year long relationship with a woman I fell head over heels for.  Originally mutual friends tried setting us up months before we met and through the magic of tinder we met.  Instantly we hit it off and grew to truly love one another.  It’s important to mention that i’m 33 and she is 32.  I had the unfortunate of living at home with my folks because i took a gig paying me less than i deserve with the promise and hope there would be a pay off, a step backwards to move forwards.  I was also car-less during our relationship.  Regardless, I made it work the best I could and we ended up spending a lot of time at her place.  We really did love each others company, went on a few trips together, met each others familes, etc.  A few months ago something changed.  I had had a bad month at work, was overworked and frustrated with my job and situation and it got the best of me.  I never really complained about it and vented to her, even breaking down once, but ultimately rebounded.  From there it was getting close to our one year anniversary, which I mentioned to her.  She seemingly got spooked and started acting odd.  Out of no where she wasn’t sure about us, claimed for the first time that her therapist said she might suffer from love and relationship addiction and this really messed with my head.  We took a week apart as her family came to visit her and reconnected shortly after.  At that point I laid it out for her, letting her know this relationship means everything to me and that I want a future with her, didn’t hold anything back.  She seemed to warm to the idea and received the message but ultimately that lead to a month of her waffling, sending mixed signals, pushing me away telling me she wants to commit to alone time, wanting me around etc.  Naturally I overplayed my hand and took every opp to be with her instead of maybe letting her be alone.  I naturally looked in to love addiction and tried to comfort her and help her through it as well.  I loved this person and wanted to help in anyway I could.  She is also a breast cancer survivor and during the month of trouble she found out she had cysts on her ovaries and learned her estrogen levels were 4x the number they were supposed to be.  From here she really pushed me away and after two instances of hanging out that didn’t end well, that all but did it.  One of those occasions found us all drunk and lead to her telling her friend “He’s so loving and i’m so mean to him”, which was a wildly weird statement to make and one she didn’t remember making in the morning.  I called her out on it, but she had no clue she said it.  After that we made plans for me to get my stuff from her place.  I was still in a daze from all of it.  I came over we sat and chatted for a few hours, crying and upset.  She told me she loved me and I was her guy, but that she needed to fix herself and had to do it on her own.  At that point she grabbed her vape pen, took a hit, pulled out a video of her childhood and played it for me.  she then said she didn’t want to die (and i said she wasn’t)  asked if i wanted to lay down at which point said i need to leave.  I asked all the things one normally would and she assured me this was about taking care of herself and nothing else.  As I was leaving she ripped a letter out of her notebook put it in my bag and i was off, kissed her goodbye and told her i loved her.  I read the note when I got home and it was saying how much she loved me and us, but needed this time to become a better version of herself, claiming the want to be a better partner, lover and friend.  She called me wonderful and then she didn’t finish the letter.  A few days later she texted me telling me she wanted to buy a bday present for my mom and asked if we could arrange a pick up, an offer i haven’t taken her up on to date.  We haven’t spoken in a month and it’s killing me.  She hasn’t reached out and I unfollowed her on social media cause it’s too painful.  For better or worse (in this case worse)  we smoked a lot of pot together, more so then any couple really should.  I also recognize that because of my situation she lost a sense of herself individually and I got lost in her.  A month apart can create that clarity and after taking inventory of myself, I wasn’t my best, in fact as a whole I was my worst.  You might be asking, why would you want to still be with someone at your worst and I don’t have a good answer for you.   drugs aside, a bad month aside, we really did love each and care for one another.  I can say for certain, i miss her as a person, not the idea of being lonely or anything to that degree.  I know were not together and I’m deeply fearful that I fucked it up so bad that I may not ever get another chance.  I know I need to focus on me and getting my life in order, i still feel so confused by her actions in the last month and haven’t reached out or been desperate.  The night I saw her so said she wanted a future with me, i don’t know if that was her telling me what i want to hear or the truth.  I’m trying to move on, but this whole process is killing me.