Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Feeling extremely anxious
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samantha.
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March 1, 2016 at 1:21 pm #97762
samanthaParticipantHi guys,
I recently posted 2 weeks ago about something I was facing and it made me feel better just to talk about it here, so I decided to try it again with something else.
First, some background – I am originally from Singapore but I have been living in the UK since I was 17 (so coming to about 6 years now). I used to travel back to Singapore a lot about several times a year, but the frequency eventually got less and less because I just stopped feeling like it so much.
I am currently at the airport waiting to board a flight back to Singapore from the UK (the last time I did this was 1.5 years ago) and I’m just feeling extremely anxious. I hate leaving and I hate travelling long flights, it makes me feel so isolated and alone and I know I have difficulty being alone, especially feeling so far away from my family and friends. I don’t like being back in Singapore, but somehow the plane journey feels the absolute worst, and once I get there, I’m not happy but I don’t feel so uncomfortable and just…in pain like I do now. I used to think that the each time I did this, travel back and forth, it would get easier, but it never seems to. It just feels like it’s just as if not more difficult every time.
I kinda know why I dread it so much – I get separation anxiety from my boyfriend in the UK, most of my friends and other aspects of my life are in the UK, and just my flat in the UK feels like home to me. I remember getting back from Singapore the last time and just stepping into my flat again felt like such a relief, like going home after long time away. I also have bad memories of my home in Singapore from my childhood, my parents used to fight alone and most of what I remember from my childhood is them fighting and it’s just…it feels like a prison to me sometimes. I don’t feel like I have the freedom or independence there because someone is always there trying to know what I’m doing etc.
I just…spent the past week and the whole of today feeling so anxious about leaving. I cried a lot, especially today and it’s difficult to just wrap my head around leaving. I won’t even be gone that long, just a few weeks, but to me right now that feels like an eternity and I don’t know what to do…
March 1, 2016 at 1:58 pm #97764
AnonymousGuestDear samantha:
Why are you flying to Singapore? Is it to visit your parents? A duty you feel that you have?
Obviously your home is in the UK. All that you shared indicates your home is in the UK with your boyfriend and friends.
The place you are going to stay in, in Singapore, is not your home. Not only is it not your home, it is a place you don’t like, a place where you feel uncomfortable.
The more years you are away from that uncomfortable place, your previous “home” of long ago (I used ” ” because to me, a real home is a place where one feels safe, comfortable), the more you know it was indeed uncomfortable. When we are in a situation, in our original “home”- no matter how bad it is, we view it in the most positive light, kind of lie to ourselves so that it doesn’t feel so bad, so that it is less threatening.
Over the years of you being in the UK, it seems to me, with distance of time and kilometers, you realize how really uncomfortable it …. really was.
I would recommend that you make this your last trip, a goodbye trip and that you don’t make yourself go through this again.
Please post again, anytime with your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote (I don’t know details much so I am making assumptions, correct me if needed and elaborate as you feel comfortable doing).
Have a safe trip!
anita
March 1, 2016 at 2:31 pm #97775samanthaParticipantThank you for your reply. I am flying back this time to apply for another study visa as I am planning to do a short course in art to potentially pursue it further later on. I wish I could live in the UK indefinitely but for now it is not possible for me due to the immigration laws as I am not a citizen. So I will probably have to keep flying back to Singapore at some point when my visas run out. I don’t think I can apply to settle in the UK now until I’ve lived there for 10 years. So, I am feeling quite stuck, like the place that I consider home can never really be home for me right now as I will always have to leave at some point.
March 1, 2016 at 3:16 pm #97779AnonymousGuestDear samantha:
Well, living in the UK then is a goal because it is where home is. I understand then why you have to fly to Singnapore. I hope you go there minimally, only when it is absolutely necessary. Also, if there is a legal way to expedite your citizenship in the UK, I hope it can be done.
I wonder if you are on the plane already. Make the best of it, relax as much as you can. Take good care of yourself everywhere you are!
anita
March 2, 2016 at 4:14 am #97817
MattyParticipantG’day Samantha,
I hate leaving and I hate travelling long flights, it makes me feel so isolated and alone and I know I have difficulty being alone, especially feeling so far away from my family and friends. I don’t like being back in Singapore
I was thinking about this, and you also mentioned some painful memories of the past about your family. I have this feeling that it’s more that when you go back home it’s like nothing much has changed. Your parents your still alive (I assume), people you know, whether vaguely or not may still be doing the same things. You see the same shops, you breathe again the same air as everyone else, you realize that your not as unique or individual when your surrounded by people from your own culture with a shared history. At least this is what i felt. When i was in S.Korea being simply Caucasian made me feel very special let alone being Australian. I felt completely different, i felt unique. I only studied ever so briefly in S.Korea and when i came back and it was hard reconnecting with loved ones. Overall it’s like you have moved forward completely and the past is just that, but by going back you have to re-connect to those experiences. Like you have magically ‘leveled up’ and everyone is still the same. The flight would make you very anxious, understandably because all this built up energy for 10 + hours! all these thoughts in your head (your probs already there!).
I think it would be for the best if you create a ‘truce’ within yourself and try to accept that being in Singapore is only temporary. It’s hard having to be dragged backwards when all you want to do is go forwards. As Anita stated above, just try to focus on the goal; living in England. The journey will not be easy, but then if it was, well it wasn’t much of a journey to begin with 🙂
Best of luck! and keep us updated (if you want 😉
Sincerely,
MattyMarch 2, 2016 at 6:41 am #97826samanthaParticipantThank you for your reply. I think you’re right, especially now that I’ve actually come back, I just feel kinda stuck. My parents go into their natural stance and treat me like a kid again (which is expected, I guess) but there’s also that element of feeling like they’re trying to fix me. I mean, I only got back a few hours ago (Wed evening here) but they’ve already long before made plans for me to see a neurologist tomorrow (for migraines that I have been having) and a counsellor on friday (even though I already have a regular counsellor back in the UK). But yeah, I think I do feel like my life is different now, I myself feel different now, and yet coming back here creates some rift in my mind that makes me feel how I was before I moved away 6 years ago and that rift creates a lot of internal conflict. I remember the last time I was back in Singapore a year and a half ago, I stayed so attached to the UK that I just still lived in London time but in Singapore. I wouldn’t be able to sleep all night, would Skype friends from back in the UK while everyone here was fast asleep, and that probably made me experience here feel even worse and more detached.
I will keep working on that goal as I know it is what I want, I definitely do not feel comfortable moving back here, as much as my parents hope/want me to. Thanks for your kind words!
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