(Trigger Warning)

I do not know what to feel anymore, I feel mostly numb. Every time I start to feel happy, I realize how pointless my life is. The older I get the more I realize I cannot handle being a adult, and that is hard for me to face. I cannot even go into work without having a panic attack or having suicidal thoughts. I am terrified of being fired. The sad thing is, my work is the only things I have. I still have the horror of living with the awful monster who abused me when I was younger, and nobody still cares. I had stopped taking my Zoloft because I had just given up.

I read that when you stop taking your Zoloft, you have the possibility of dying. And then I thought, maybe that would be better If I do just die… I really feel as though I cannot handle being a adult, and I also cannot handle the bad things life throws at me. I am already broken and beaten enough by my life. I have found a terrible fear of leaving my house even though my home is a personal hell everyday. I do not know anymore how to be happy, and I feel a constant sadness bloom over me everyday. I have started to bring a blade with me everywhere, as it is my only means to feel something. I feel like when I have the blade, I have something to help me. I honestly don’t even know  if I have any time left in me to continue…