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Feeling incompetent

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  • #210533
    Romeo
    Participant

    Just graduated from university 2 months ago. Broke up with gf 4 months ago. Went for 3 interviews for a cabin crew job but failed so far. Currently doing bartending full time and it’s been a month since. Got told that I’m not good and I couldn’t handle the work properly by my bar manager. I did my best really. I know I shouldn’t give a fuck about all these things but I just can’t help but to be affected by it. I feel useless<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>and incompetent. I’m depress. Tough times really.

    How do I get out of this shithole?!

    #210537
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    Welcome back.

    Feeling useless and incompetent.. and depressed (it is depressing to feel useless and incompetent!) is not new in your experience, isn’t it. I mean you felt his way as a child and ever since, outside maybe a break or time-out here and there?

    We all keep re-experiencing our childhood experience. If that experience was distressing, and it is for so many of us, then we keep re-experiencing the same distress until we do enough healing from that past experience. Healing is very tough to do, to engage in for as long as it takes.

    When your mother had her breakdowns, and you were a child, you tried to help her and failed, feeling incompetent then, am I correct?

    If I am, then “Feeling incompetent” (the title of your current thread) is this re-experiencing of the same old, same old childhood experience in the context of adult circumstances.

    anita

    #210543
    Romeo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for helping me out here again. I guess it is because of my childhood experience that made me who I am today. I tried to stay positive. I really tried to be strong and just tell myself the pain and suffering in the end will be worth it. I am still fighting this guilt for breaking up with my ex gf. I miss her and still care for her. Plus all the stress in my workplace adds more pain into my life right now.

    My off days are filled with depressing thoughts of my ex and doubting myself. I cry to myself in the room at least once every week. I try to keep moving even though the pain is still there. But just recently, the pain felt so unbearable. I am not sure if this is part of the healing process. What can I do to make things better again? How do I get back to my confident self again?

     

    #210547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    “What can I do to make things better again… to get back to my confident self again?”- before I give you my answer, I ask, regarding the word again:

    When were things better and when were you confident?

    anita

    #210551
    Romeo
    Participant

    I felt the most confident before I got into a relationship with my current ex. I remember feeling a sense of power. Like nothing can stop me from doing anything. I also used to be an ex cabin crew which sort of contribute to my self-esteem before this. I quit my job to pursue my studies but I have always wanted to go back to being a cabin crew. After I graduate 2 months ago, I’ve tried to apply for the job but failed. I felt lost and the only route I feel that I needed to go was bartending. If there was one word to describe myself in the past, it would be that I am a very determined person and I work hard to get what I want in life. This determination came from my transformation in the gym from being skinny to a fit guy. It made me strong, physically and mentally. But now I’m not so sure anymore.

    #210555
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    Will you tell me more about that “sense of power” with your most recent girlfriend, power in what way, over what and how  long did that feeling of power last?

    And regarding working in the cabin crew, what was that like and how long did that good feeling last?

    anita

    #210565
    Romeo
    Participant

    I meant I felt the most confident before I got into a relationship, before I met my ex. It was a feeling of a sense of achievement. I believed in myself in everything that I do. I had a calm and chill vibe. After I got into a relationship, I started questioning myself, doubting myself. Stopped listening to myself and not loving myself. You know the story.

    I have always associated my identity as a cabin crew. Being a cabin crew was my dream always my dream when I was a teenager. And being able to taste that dream was really an achievement for me and I always feel proud to be a cabin crew. The good feeling lasted for many years until recently. Failed interviews, job incompetency. I think the most painful part is that I am working in a customer service job, and the fact that I was an ex-cabin crew. I expected myself to perform better and I think my superior expected more of me as well. It gave me a lot of pressure and I kept beating myself up when I made silly mistakes.

    #210579
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    The way I understand it our experience in adult life is most influenced by our childhood experience. Distressing childhood leads to distressing adulthood.

    Within the experience of a distressing childhood there are times of pleasure, of comfort. And within the experience of a distressing adulthood there are also times of pleasure and comfort, even confidence, hope.

    The external factors in our adult lives: whether we are in a relationship or not, if in a relationship, then who is the person we are involved with. Other externals are where we live, alone or with roommates, who are the roommates and so on, as well as whether we are employed or not and if we are employed, what is the job we are doing. Some jobs are congruent with mental health, we feel good doing that particular job, working with these particular people, and other jobs are not congruent with mental health, doing a job we strongly dislike and working with people who are abusive, let’s say.

    Living a good life, a better and better life has to do with these two things: healing best we can from a distressing childhood and seeing to it that the external factors in our lives are congruent with mental health. It is Both.

    And so, “Feeling incompetent” has to do with the internals and the externals, and feeling competent will be about healing from the internals and managing your life best you can so that the externals fit your mental health, your well-being.

    anita

    #210581
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #210589
    Romeo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you again but I don’t quite understand fully. Do you mind putting it into simpler terms?

    #210591
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    I will need to be more focused to do so, to explain myself better. Perhaps tomorrow morning I will be more focused. Will be back in about 17 hours. If anything relevant to the topic comes to mind before I am back, feel free to share it.

    anita

    #210659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    I re-read all your posts on this thread and previous ones, slowly and attentively.

    This is my current understanding: a very key experience, a major experience in your childhood, one that affected you greatly for years to come, to the present is this: “My mom was really broken back then.. I saw her crying and constant breakdowns… Sometimes she gets angry easily”

    Children are strongly inclined to take things personally, and so, you believed that it was your fault that she was so sad and angry, and that it was your job to fix it and make her happy and pleased with you. When you failed to make her happy, when she got angry yet again, you felt powerless, a failure.

    It didn’t help that as a teen you were called a stick for being skinny and small.

    But you went to the gym and you changed the latter, becoming fit and strong. You felt good about it, powerful. And when you helped the two women you were involved with get rid of some of their pain regarding their previous relationships, you “felt like a ‘real man’ helping them and being their rock… almost felt like a drug or something that fuels me”.

    With your ex girlfriend, it reads to me that the reason the conversations didn’t flow is that you didn’t like her that much, there wasn’t much of a meeting-of-the-minds-and-heart for you. As I read your interactions with me and with other members replying to you on your threads, I see that you are a very interactive, very pleasant, sensitive man. Your conversations here do flow. I figure it was an incompatibility that conversations didn’t flow with your ex girlfriend.

    If it wasn’t for your pre-existing guilt, you would have left the relationship long ago. Instead, you … submitted to her, really. Staying and Submitting so to please her.

    You wrote: “I felt the most confident before I got into a relationship, before I met my ex… After I got into a relationship, I started questioning myself, doubting myself”. Months after the breakup, you are “still fighting this guilt for breaking up with (your) ex gf”. It is the guilt, same that you experienced as a child, watching your mother break down and experiencing her anger at you.

    You now know why she was angry, that it was because she was betrayed by her siblings. But as a child, you must have taken her anger personally, feeling you did something wrong, that you failed to do what is right and that is why she was angry with you.

    My input from yesterday, put in simpler terms is that this guilt of your childhood needs to be resolved. If it is not resolved, for as long as it is not resolved, it will keep interrupting your life as it has already. To be able to choose a woman who is compatible with you and to have a relationship that works for you, that guilt has to be resolved.

    And then, there is the issue of power. You need to feel reasonably powerful in your own life, not powerless, in relationships, in the work place, in the gym and elsewhere. This need is not negotiable. Submission doesn’t work for you.

    The guilt and the powerless feeling, these will continue to interrupt your life whether you are in a relationship or not, whether you are performing this job or that job. This is what I meant by the internal work that needs to be done.

    The external work that needs to be done is about making wise choices about the woman to get involved with (one compatible with you, one you genuinely like) and about the job that fits you better.

    Please let me know if I was clear today.

    anita

    #210679
    Romeo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking your time to reanalyse all my posts. I truly appreciate your effort and energy you put in trying to help me and the people in this community. What you have stated is very clear and understandable.

    How do I fight this guilt that has been implanted in my mind for many years since when I’m a child? How do I work on this internal problem?

     

     

    #210695
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    There is a core belief you have that is producing the feeling of guilt, and that core belief is that you were responsible for your mother’s sadness and anger. This is what I believe to be… your core belief.

    My question to you at this point is: do you feel and think that this is indeed your core belief or do you think that it makes sense but you don’t really feel it?

    anita

    #210753
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Romeo:

    One more thing regarding you thanking me in your last post: you are welcome and thank you for your kind words. Post again anytime you’d like.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

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