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Feeling like a fraud

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  • December 11, 2015 at 4:33 pm #89476
    Libelulla
    Participant

    Not at all Anita. I am not criminalizing this natural need. I am happy to have this new awareness of myself and to be able to place these feelings and not be ashamed of them as I have hurt mostly myself as you say in your post. I realize that I want to move away from this narcissism not because I feel bad or at fault, but because I am finally realizing that it has not served me well at all. It has rendered me inauthentic, over analytical and sometimes envious of myself (!). I have had this persecutor in me that I have accommodated way too long.

    December 11, 2015 at 5:32 pm #89483
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Libelulla:

    “Envious of (yourself)”- unclear to me. Seeking approval then rendered you inauthentic, over analytical. You persecuted yourself way too long. It has been a long process for me, realizing at all that I was persecuting myself and it is only recently that I do it less. It is a process. Have patience. Progress every day, like the progress you did at the Christmas party. Every time you make such progress, you heal. More and more healing and over time, your inner persecutor loses power.
    anita

    December 11, 2015 at 8:13 pm #89516
    June
    Participant

    I’ve felt this before with one woman once. It from the outside would looks as if I was jealous of her but it was more that she overstepped boundaries trying to become besties with me. The worst part was that everyone loved her and got on well except for me. There were a few similarities with us but she just rattled my cage. I struggled with how to deal with her.

    December 12, 2015 at 6:42 am #89542
    Libelulla
    Participant

    June, ‘from the outside’ is still what you are seeing or think others are seeing.
    I have felt the same as you described, but I am not jealous or envious of this woman, I was just reacting to her refusal by pushing back in the same way.
    ‘You are going to judge me? Then I am going to judge you.’ or ‘You want to judge me, then let me show you how great I am, how much better I am than you.’
    This reaction only made me feel guilty and think I was the bad one, I was the envious one.
    I suddenly became the victim and the executioner all in one.

    When I say envious of myself I know it is confusing. It is something I am working out within myself.
    It is as if i have a side of me – the critical analytical perfectionist – that is envious of the other side of me – the creative, free spirit. I have to accept both and find a meeting point where I am not battling myself, just accepting the two sides. When I can approach that I believe that nothing from the outside will be able to hurt me. It will just pass through and I will observe it for what it is and let it go.

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