Dear Aryan:

“My anxiety and negative thinking made me lose her within a month. I have been devastated by the fact I couldn’t even communicate properly to her how I was feeling. It could’ve been something great but I ruined everything with my own hands“- you are taking 100% responsibility for the ending of the month-old relationship. I am guessing that she carries some responsibility too. I wonder if your feeling/ belief that you ruined everything with her extends to how you generally feel and believe about your life (that you ruin everything)?

“My grades are at a pretty low state and I am trying to work on those. My social life looks abysmal… I am just stuck here with no motivation even to get out of the bed. I have been trying very hard but everything seems so monotone and pointless. The future seems very overwhelming… It feels like rock-bottom and so damn lonely“- humans, such as you and I, are social beings by nature. To be motivated to get out of bed, to be able to focus and do well in school, to feel somewhere above rock bottom, we have to feel connected to other people.

– From cdc. gov/ emotional well-being: “Social isolation and loneliness have become widespread problems in the United States, posing a serious threat to our mental and physical health… Social isolation is the lack of relationships with others and little to no social support or contact. It is associated with risk even if people don’t feel lonely. Loneliness is feeling alone or disconnected from others. It is feeling like you do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging. It reflects the difference between a person’s actual and desired level of connection. This means that even a person with a lot of friends can feel lonely”.

From the guardian. com/ WHO declares loneliness a ‘global public health concern’: “The World Health Organization has launched an international commission on loneliness, which can be as bad for people’s health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day…'[Loneliness] transcends borders and is becoming a global public health concern affecting every facet of health, wellbeing and development,’ said Mpemba. “Social isolation knows no age or boundaries.’…
<p class=”dcr-4cudl2″>”Between 5% and 15% of adolescents are lonely, according to figures that are likely to be underestimates… Young people experiencing loneliness at school are more likely to drop out of university…”-</p>
What do you think of, or feel about the above quotes?

anita

Dear Aryan:

“This time in terms of relationship, I utterly failed… failed to get free and comfortable around her and ended up being immature and unauthentic and boring“- you were too anxious to be comfortable to-be-you around her. The disquiet, unease, unrest nature of anxiety makes it difficult to impossible.

If you think of the experience of being free to-be-you as you sitting in the driver seat of your car and pressing the gas pedal,  freely moving forward, then anxiety is like someone in the passenger seat is pressing the brake pedal (at the same time that you are pressing the gas pedal): there are lots of abrupt, noisy jolts back and forth, but the car is stuck, it is not moving forward.

“Being a big time loner all my life, finding so many friends coming to college was a great experience… Even after having so many friends, I feel unsatisfied and lonely… suddenly I have no one except me. It saddening and makes me scared“- the way I understand it, is that you got used to being a big time loner. It became an emotional habit. College made a temporary difference, and now, you are back to your emotional habit of feeling lonely, sad and scared.

“So many friends coming to college was a great experience. However, now I find those same friends limiting“- at first, it was a great experience to be with your then new college friends, and then it became a limiting experience, limiting in what way?

“In fact I am trying to find new friends but haven’t been successful yet“- what are you looking for in new (unlimiting) friends?

anita

Dear Aryan:

“I do not feel the same, in fact the opposite, I feel scared to be alone now. However, since the breakup everything seems extra lonely“- I think I get it: for a short while you were on an Emotional High, that of feeling excited about going to college, having new friends and the cherry on top: having a girlfriend!

Now, you are feeling worse than before going to college because of the long Fall from the recent High, “hitting rock-bottom“, like you said.

“I never have had stability in life“- this is a source of anxiety, never having had stability in your life. I wonder if by this, you mean that you moved a lot, if your parents are divorced or they fought a lot. You don’t have to share about this, of course, but you can if you want to.

You wrote that you are looking for new friends, people who are: “ambitious and goal oriented or at least in places that will be beneficial and social for me“- people who will benefit you in what ways.. (again, I wonder)..

anita

Dear Aryan:

“I am looking for new people who can give me new perspectives to live, and honestly a freshness of connection beyond my existing friend circle“-

– “a freshness of connection“, what an original, refreshing expression. Connections with people can be indeed fresh, flowing, vibrant, or they can be stale, stagnant, dull. The first kind inspires you to grow, the second keeps you dull, stuck.

Of which kind is your connection with your parents (the most important people when it comes to who you are today)?

anita