Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Feeling low and frustrating
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November 30, 2015 at 12:03 am #88536
Vegas101ParticipantHello guys, this is my very first post in this place.
I’m 21 years old and in the last year, I feel like I’m not enjoying life as I wish. Sometimes I feel depressed and most of the days I criticize myself. I feel the need to control everything. In social moments, I think a lot in what I’m going to say, because I want everything to be perfect. I feel that I can’t always talk openly to people. I can’t overcome this most of the times, and this makes me feel Worse.
I’m a closed person, I have a lot of friends, but still I take defensive attitudes most times. When I really open to somebody else, I feel fullfilled. But I don’t really know how to do it. I think too much. It shouldn’t matter what the others think, but it’s part of me. How can I Stop pleasing the others and start taking good care of me? How can I overcome this Stuff?
November 30, 2015 at 5:40 am #88540
AnonymousGuestDear Vegas101:
My answer is: a combination of INSIGHT into the past and PRACTICE of skills.
Insight into the past: when did this start, who criticized you repeatedly when you were a child? Who disapproved of you, made you feel you are not okay just being yourself? Best you remember, when in your life did it start, this second guessing? Fear of having said or done something wrong, something that will be disapproved by another?
Practice: Every step you take, alone and in social situations, practice paying attention, being mindful to how you operate and how you would like to operate instead, being authentic, true to yourself instead of being overly cautious and unauthentic; being assertive, not passive or aggressive; and more.
Waiting for your reply.
anita
November 30, 2015 at 9:02 am #88547Vegas101ParticipantDear anita:
This started last year, I was taking the second year of computer science on college and I was extremely discouraged. My family never understood why I wasn’t being successfull. I always thought that if I kept trying, I was going to like the course, but it never happenned. I felt totally apart of my family. They never understood me and never trusted me. Sometimes I felt totally alone. It was a strange feeling.
My dad always pushed me to being the perfect student, because himself was a great student. That really touches the wound.
Then, I decided to change my life. Now, I’m taking Management and I like it very much. But then Again, I’m not taking the best choices for myself. And I expect too much of myself. In some way, I feel hurt. It’s like I got weaker. And what blows everything is the fact that I want so bad to be authentic and to be myself, that I fail. Then I have auto-critic thoughts. (This last part I’m working since the beginning, and I’m a lot better).
November 30, 2015 at 9:19 am #88549AnonymousGuestDear Vegas101:
When your father pushed you to be the perfect student, is the message: be a perfect student and you will get my approval. Not a perfect student= no approval by me?
With this message every move you make in school, every effort, every grade, every thought maybe, every such thing carries a heavy extra weight. There is the weight of school work and grades, success and failure, and then there is the EXTRA weight of approval- or disapproval by father.
When you carry such extra, unnecessary, defeating weight day in and day out and your father and your mother do not SEE you suffer under the weight and they keep the extra weight on you, then you feel all alone, totally alone. You feel not understood and not trusted (You are not trusted until you get a perfect grade and only until the next test with a grade yet to come).
If you have hopes for your relationships with your parents, talk to them, tell them how you feel (you might have already?)- tell them calmly, for the purpose of healing the relationship with them, to turn it into a Win-Win relationship, for your won good as well as their own good. If they understand and change their behavior, if an honest communication begins, then there is hope and you keep at it.
If not, if they reject (again) your feelings and beliefs as you express them honestly and with best intentions, then you are, again, alone, with little hope, really, for future closeness. In that case, you separate from the people who harm you. Separate enough so they no longer harm you.
You have a wound, you mentioned it “wound”- it needs to be attended to. Attend to it, continue to attend to it. And keep away the people who re-open it and make it bleed again.
anita
November 30, 2015 at 9:22 am #88550AnonymousGuest* I have no idea why someone- on purpose or accidentally- marked this topic for inappropriate content. Hope that doesn’t discourage you, Vegas101- please continue to post.
anita -
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