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June 18, 2018 at 11:00 am #212917
KiraParticipantHi my name is Leni, I just joined in this forum and I am new here
My depression of feeling unwanted by many people started in my first year of high school last year in 2017, it is now my second year, I am 15 and I will be turning 16 next year. It started off well when I was very excited to see so many new people coming to my class and that I will be meeting people with all sorts of personalities, but I’ve learned it the hard way, everyone of these people who I wanted to talk to just see me as so weird and boring and I always get these awkward stares wondering if I had did anything wrong to these people, it turns out maybe I was paying them to much attention, teenagers these days claim that they want attention but they want it from those cool popular kids they always chase after and when I look at myself I am the complete opposite of cool and popular, like nobody cares about me not even my parents, I can prove it that they don’t do
Whenever I address these kinds of problems of being lonely at school and having no friends and sitting alone at lunch time to my parents they just either ignore me completely or they just say “well that’s your problem, because you don’t take your work seriously” so far my studies are not doing great, well then??! how can I do so with the feeling of suicide inside me? Well that means my parents hate me as much as everyone does.
My one friend also ditched me for another of these popular kids then she ended up going to another school leaving me completely alone, I remember that one time where my whole class wanted to start a fight with me, with one of them being so victimized that I just said an honest statement about one of my classmates tearing a page of my book ruining my work or when I told someone that what they are saying to another person is offensive, basically everything I say with my mouth even if it’s a “hello” is like as if I’m poisoning them or is offending their “delicate feelings”, if they don’t like honest people then I don’t what to do anymore
These days it’s so difficult for me to make new friends and I keep asking myself why is this happening too soon why doesn’t anyone find me interesting or understand me, why do I always get angry looks from people every time I want to make eye contact to start a conversation with them. Ok well I am shy most of the time but not around my classmates but then I’ve made friends with people from other classes like the grade 8s but it seems they don’t even care about me or approach me when I’m always the one wasting my time giving them attention but get nothing in return, at times I’m a complete stranger to them, I hate school so much the teachers don’t even care about my issues because they also find me as a problem and most don’t even like me whatsoeverI just feel so useless, incompetent, weak, I’m sick and tired of seeing happy people always getting awards, always living their lives and smiling and being so confident and me on the other hand with low self-esteem it’s like every person in the whole wide world is better than I am. I hate smiling, I hate my life at home, I don’t feel safe in my body, I can’t look at people, I don’t even want to look at myself in a mirror, my parents don’t give a shit, Im ALL on my own, with no one to sit next to who at least appreciates me for who I am and understands me, my older brother (whom is the only one who cares) is always busy and has work and he sleeps at his collage and he has a lot of friends which makes me feel even lonelier, I’m the only kid at home
I have nobody, I’m alone, I need someone 🙁
June 19, 2018 at 6:21 am #213123
MParticipantHey Leni, so sorry to hear this 🙁 I graduated in 2016, but I was a bit similar in that I didn’t really have any friends for most of high school, and got ditched by previous close friends.
Firstly, are there any school psychologists you can talk to about this? I know it may seem like your teachers don’t care, but surely there’s at least one kind/trusted one you can approach. I feel like a lot of these things may be in your head, and you may be assuming people hate you without good reason when they may just be in a bad mood, shy too, or not even paying attention.
As for the friends issues, are there any clubs you could possibly join with like minded people? As I said, I didn’t really have friends for most of high school so totally understand it’s hard and people can be really judgmental, but I feel it’s likely there’s at least some nice people out there who don’t care about popularity.
I can’t honestly speak for your parents, but have you tried telling your brother about these feelings. If he knew things are this bad, I would think he would take the time to talk about it with you.
Finally, although this can be very difficult, my #1 advice would be to stop comparing yourself to others, and just be the best person you can be (focusing on this usually helps me when I feel down) – Are there any subjects you’re passionate about in school that you could excel at with enough effort? Any hobbies you’d like to try? Think about your interests and go from there
Hope this helped at least a bit, and feel feel to message me on here if you’d like someone to chat to.
June 19, 2018 at 6:40 am #213127
AnonymousGuestDear Kira:
“I have nobody, I’m alone, I need someone”- that was my experience in high school.. and before. And after, for many years after.
I hope it is not your experience for as long after high school as it has been for me. And it is very possible that it will not, an exciting thought, isn’t it, when you consider it.
Here are my thoughts about the different things you shared:
“teenagers… want attention … from those cool popular kids they always chase after when I look at myself I am the complete opposite of cool and popular”. The teenagers who do the chasing you mentioned, they are chasing what they believe they don’t have, believing they are not cool. So they are looking for that… coolness in others, to absorb it by contact with others who are cool.
“my parents they just either ignore me completely or they just say ‘well that’s your problem..'”, Too bad, it is your parents’ job to pay attention to you and to help you solve problems. They are not doing their job. And that is a serious problem for any child/ teenager.
“I remember that one time where my whole class wanted to start a fight with me…when I told someone that what they were saying to another person is offensive, basically everything I say with my mouth even if it’s ‘hello’ is like as if I’m poisoning them..”- there is an element of teenagers (and people of other ages) ganging up against one, picking a person and harassing that person as a group. And there is the element of your peers misunderstanding a lot, but there is your anger too. It is an understandable anger but sometimes you probably express this anger somewhat aggressively against peers who did not offend you. And they in turn react to your anger by getting angry in return or keeping their distance from you. This may be “why (you) get angry looks from people”.
It makes a person angry to “seeing happy people always getting awards, always living their lives and smiling and being so confident and (you) on the other hand with low self esteem”- naturally it makes a person angry.
By the way, there is no person who is “always living their lives and smiling…”- it only seems that way.
“I hate smiling, I hate my life at home… I can’t look at people, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror… I’m ALL on my own”- on your own and angry. Again, you are understandably angry. I understand. Thing is, this anger is visible and some of the people who stay away from you, do so because they sense your anger.
Your anger will not go away unless the hurt underneath the anger is addressed, until the fear is addressed. Competent psychotherapy is the best place to address this hurt and fear, gently, with a caring, empathetic, trustworthy therapist. Is there such an opportunity, at school, to see a counselor and ask for therapy that may be available for you?
anita
June 20, 2018 at 10:56 am #213279
Coach VernidaParticipantHi Leni
Don’t depend on others to find happiness. Your happiness comes from within and that’s is something you can find but with some help as others are stating. People can be so cruel to where you start doubting yourself as you are. Just know that the only difference in you and them is that they are cruel and you are not because if you were, your reaction to this matter would be different than you doubting yourself. Seek someone to talk to so that you can discover it’s not you with the problem.
June 24, 2018 at 4:45 am #213871KiraParticipantHi there M:
Well the thing is in a school like mine, there’s hardly any clubs other than Drummajorettes, soccer, netball and mostly sports but since I wrote my earlier message at the end if the second term/semester unfortunately all those sports will be cancelled and there will only be tennis, road running and a few more sports activities. Thank you got replying I really appreciate it. However there are no school psychologists in a school like mine and we can’t find any and I don’t think there’s a schedule for different appointments that they have because they might not be available so I’ll have to deal with that
Although it has been a week since school closed, when you asked about me having someone I can approach there is this one boy who’s a year younger than I am, his name is Sam whom does appreciate my company, I am happy with that but I haven’t told him my personal issues that I’m struggling with but he is always happy, funny and energetic and I don’t know if he might feel the same way because of him never being emotional and him always too excited about almost anything, he does have friends but they don’t pay that much attention to him so I did get to know him and spend some quality time with him
I am passionate for a lot of things but I don’t feel I’m good enough, I like acting, writing and drawing (though I’m acting in theatre I have such a small role not even more than 2 lines, so that sucks)
My brother on the other hand really has a busy schedule and he’s almost never at home and always busy with work at collage, so the only time that I actually talk to him is through messaging but he doesn’t reply back because he just has a hectic life at college and I don’t want to bother him… Although he is always busy he gets angry and aggressive to the people he works with at college because they are giving him problems with their current project they are doing that is due at the end of November.
Anyway I’m sorry I replyed late, we just had some Internet connection problems and I am going to find some time to chat to you and everyone else who has replied
June 24, 2018 at 5:31 am #213875KiraParticipantHi there anita:
Im sorry I replied a little too late, you know so much about my problems of loneliness here in high school and since you suffered the same thing, I can say that we have a lot in common during our high school years. And yes at times I just try my best to hide my anger away from those who see me so that I can at least get to know some people well, but in a school like mine everyone splits into their social groups and ignore new comers in their group because they are not used to talking to others and of course that makes the new comer feel unwelcomed and uncomfortable, looking for a trustworthy counselor might be a challenge because where I live there’s a only a few of them, but that I’m still working on.
At school there are no counselors to look for and they are only available outside of the school, and although time is passing I still feel that hurt inside me and there are people whom I get along with but I’m afraid to actually tell them my personal problems and because I feel that they’ll think it’s unexpected of me to talk about something like that to someone when you’ve just met them recently. This boy I met, he’s name is Sam and he kind of has the same issues with his friends ignoring him but that is only when they’re busy with something or that there are just playing with him, it’s also difficult when you are depressed for more than half a year and then you suddenly get along with someone because someone like me who is depressed doesn’t know how to react properly when they receive love, I’m still trying to see if he’s emphatic though.
And remember it’s hard for me to get that opportunity to actually address this to a psychologist or a counselor and my parents are not really paying attention to appoint me to one, so I’ll need to look for one myself if this problem goes on further
And yes those classmates that I referred to earlier? Almost everyday they are on my case and has turned into an issue of bullying now that gossip has become a trend and making fun of another person’s appearance is another trend. An example of what actually happened was that other time at lunch break, I bought my lunch from the tuck shop and as soon as I was trying to find a table to sit down on, I walked past that particular group of girls I’ve always been annoyed with and they all kept quiet an gave me that stare of “oh, here comes that weird girl, what does she want with us?” But I’m not even going to sit at their table because I know very well I’ll be miserable by those girls at the end of the day. So I’d just sit by myself, never saying a word almost the whole day.
I need to work on my anger but they need to work on their way of being victimized for no reason, and really thank for your help and concern, I’m happy that people like you are addressing about my personal problems and I’m actually surprised to get so many replies by people who actually do care about issues that are hardly being noticed by the society, I’m so very happy I’m receiving so much attention from here I’ll never regret my choice to express my deep feelings to a whole wide of a community whom are suffering from all different kinds of personal issues with others receiving love and care and emphathy from others.
June 24, 2018 at 6:20 am #213885KiraParticipantHi there Coach Vernida
Thanks for the advice when I needed it most although I keep on finding happiness almost nearly everyday and found it impossible, it just feels like I am angry with the world along with the troubles from the people in my class, when you mentioned the differences between them being cruel and I’m not, I thought people from the majority side are always right but I learned that what many people agree on isn’t always the right thing and that one person will follow on different opinions from others. And yes not all the time must we depend on people for happiness.
June 24, 2018 at 6:24 am #213887AnonymousGuestDear Kira:
You are welcome. You come across to me as a very sensible, mature young person, and you are gracious, appreciative and empathetic and attentive to those replying to you. It is clear to me that you are .. great friend material and those people at school rejecting you could have greatly benefited themselves if they befriended you instead.
What you described, the social groups in high school that reject outsiders and the bullying otherwise, what happens is that within the social/ bullying group, the individuals feel justified rejecting and bullying, feeling as if what they are doing is right because … everybody (in the group) does it. And so, they are not motivated to change their ways.
And as long as such rejection and bullying is taking place, how can the rejected and bullied not feel angry. The individual rejected/ bullied person doesn’t have a chance against the rejecting/ bullying group. Can’t change their collective, justified-in-their-mind position against you. Better ignore them best you can.
So better not try. Instead do what has a chance to succeed. Maybe Sam is an empathetic person and a possible good friend to you. The people you get along with but don’t know for long, maybe you can get to know more over time. Maybe you will find a good counselor.
anita
June 29, 2018 at 2:36 pm #214745KiraParticipantHi anita
I was quite busy during the holidays so I didn’t have enough time to answer and because we had Internet problems. But anyway I never really knew I am that much mature though a lot of people do notice it and told me that as well, and yes you are correct, many people, esspecially those my age misunderstand another person’s benefit of friendship and instead would rather be enemies. In this day and age people get more sensitive as we try to make them feel happy or even say a joke that’s not even that offensive but what can we do? it’s their problem… I’ve avoided them as many times as possible and it works really well, I never really cared about them though but they have attempted to pick on me when I don’t want to associate with them.
Something in my mind keeps telling me that me and Sam will be the best of friends one day but I didn’t believe it whatsoever but day by day I find myself always hanging out with him and said “the power of me thinking of the future always works”. He only started noticing me during the time at the school camping trip and we said nothing to each other but “hello” “goodbye” no conversation going. It was only recently during exams (which started in late May) we started to get to know each other and joke around, I’m feel very happy and free from the dark times when I’m with him more. However, he also has a big circle of friends in which he invites me to that makes me feel awkward because I don’t know anyone else but him (and his other 2 friends) and he’s constantly talking to he’s other friends while I stand there feeling lost, both his friends which are Logan and Philip get along with me too but I don’t talk to them as much these days as I used to, let’s just say they’re both my aquaintances there are also other girls whom I’ve tried talking to but seem not interested so I have to deal with that.
Anyway, I’ll try my best looking for a counselor soon
June 30, 2018 at 3:48 am #214793AnonymousGuestDear Kira:
I know the awkward feeling of not being a part of a lively conversation that it taking place where you are, feels like being invisible, not part of the group. As the social animals that we are, we like to be part of the social group, not outside of it, alone.
Maybe you can share your awkward feeling with Sam, asking you to help you by including you in those conversations, saying something like: Kira, what do you think about this?
anita
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