This will be long, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and give some insight. I would tell a therapist, but I’ve either been put on a waiting list or their fees are out of my budget.

So…here it goes…

I don’t know what it is, but it seems like almost everyone I know in my life has conspired together to mass betray me.

August was one of the worst months in my life. September started out nice, but now it’s bad again.

I had come under some tough times with finances, so I moved back to my dad’s house earlier this year to try and recoup. Me and dad have never really had a positive relationship since I was a kid, but he was the only option for me, since my mother is dead, my siblings are either too far away for me to just up and leave my job to go to where they are or have a family of their own occupying space. Friends are non-existent for other reasons and I don’t think I would even bring myself to stay with any of them either, as they too live back home with their parents.

Anyway, he flipped out on me one day when I was packing my things to prepare and move out, yelling and screaming at me about getting up early *weird bc he knows I have to work and he gets up early too, even said he perfers it soooo…????*

I think he was speaking through his girlfriend’s perspective, who never liked me and had beef with my mother up until my mother started going back to church and changed her life, so she mended the relationship. This girlfriend doesn’t work and sits at home all day while dad works.

Naturally, I am not a confrontational person, but coupled with anger and resentment I have already had for my dad, I began giving him the same energy (yes, I know, that’s where I went wrong). The whole argument turned into an argument about a million other things we both hate about each other. Got very vile and hateful. Threats were made.

The next thing that happened threw me for a complete loop (but when I started to play it back to try and heal from it…it’s not off brand. He’s told me before that he was abusive to his first wife years ago to the point where she stabbed him and left him). He started physically attacking me. Hitting me!

I can count on one hand how many times I recieved a whooping as a child and I’ve never been in a fight at any point of my life so far, so it was jarring…especially since it was my parent doing this.

I started defending myself and we ended up wrestling on his steps inside. He even tried to kick me out of the house without my pet and all of my stuff, which was humiliating because neighbors were outside and they just watched, recorded and laughed as I screamed and clawed at him and the door to the house to let me back in, so I can at least get dressed and get to my stuff.

I did however end up getting pass him by calling the cops as I explained the situation.
The cops came and calmed the situation. I was then given a week to leave the house.

That was hell in itself, because I hadn’t had a place finalized just yet, because I just paid on some bills and my next check wasn’t coming until the week after that week. Ended up having to stay in hotels with my cat.

I changed my number and only gave it to one of my brothers and one of my sisters with the purpose of not seeing him again. Mid month Sept, I get a text from my sister saying he called her to relay a message to me: he wished he didn’t do what he did and that he wishes me well.

It made me livid!

He embarrassed me, physically put his hands on me and left me to fend for myself, but WISHES ME WELL?!!!

I naturally got angry at my sister, because I told her what happened, yet she made time to talk to him about it and felt the need to tell me what he said.

I feel like he was trying to love bomb and gaslight me as if the situation can just be solved and we can go back to the semi normal relationship we had before. I feel like she was trying to butt in and fix something that I already told her was broken and not coming back.

He’s not her biological father, so it was very weird to me for her to even give him the time of day! I even told her to not talk to him either bc there’s no point…but I feel stupid for even giving her the ammo to use against me, because she’s a notorious gossiping person already.

Personally, I think she only said it to me to stir something up, because it gives her something other to talk about than her situation with her controlling boyfriend that she rather complain about breaking up with then breaking up with him. Or any other family drama.

I changed my number again.

My brother has been iffy with me since this whole thing started. Actually he was the 1st to betray me in August.

After a falling out with his boyfriend who kicked him out, he called me and asked for help with money, which I gladly helped out. Gave him over $100 of my savings that I literally had to get up and go pull out my bank to give to him. It’s not off brand for us to help each other this way. Me and this brother were very close growing up.

Quick side note: I get annoyed easily since my mother’s passing. Lots of pointless conversations don’t entice me much anymore, so I go through periods where I block literally everyone from calling or texting me and I’ll go anywhere from 1 day to 5 days without talking to anyone *except ppl at work and even then, I keep talking minimal*.

After giving this money to him, I had one of those periods.

When I came back to letting texts/calls in, I texted him to see how he was doing and he stated cursing me out saying I don’t care about him. I got angry and we exchanged some very bad words with each other.

I went in my blocked messages to try and make sense of the argument and it turns out he asked me for $20. When I didn’t answer, he felt like I was abandoning him.

But now, he’s just called me out my name, wished death on me…etc.

I forgave him, bc like I said we have been close. Whereas my other brother and sisters all grew up in the house together, me and this brother are my moms second batch of kids, with an over 10 year gap in ages.

Wrong move again…I guess I just have a terrible habit of letting abusive people back in again and again. Ugh…

Last night, I had a scare at my new apartment complex. Ever since the property manager quit, the office workers are left scrambling to try and make sense of all the maintenance, complaints, etc.

People are taking advantage of this and breaking into people’s apartments, fighting and dealing drugs.

I texted my brother to ask for help because sometimes I feel like calling cops immediately puts a bad taste in people’s mouths about others and I don’t want to become a target next. Wanted him to just come stay with me for a few days, just to show people I have an ally.

He didn’t know it was me of course, bc I changed my number but here I was again attempting to reach out to have just someone in my corner.

He was mad that I changed my number and didn’t tell him. Acted nonchalant about me wanting help. Basically told me to just suck it up…deal with it.

I was upset because he’s made time to go out and be there for others in this way in the past. I’ve seen him do it, so I brought this up and what do you know…he starts going off on me. Told me not to contact him anymore. I got angry…said bad things back.

Now…I’m just exhausted with my family and feeling just toxic.

I know it’s not healthy to respond in a negative way even if someone is being negative to you, but I hate that I’ve obviously been taken advantage of and by the people who should care about me the most!

Where did I go wrong and how can I heal from this? So traumatic and it’s just been back to back to back. I’m losing focus at work, barely want to leave my apartment, barely want to engage in friendships/romantic relationships and back binge drinking.

I just feel like the only person who really loved me in this family is dead and I feel like I want to just go be with her.

Sorry this was so long. Needed to get it out. Thank you again if you read all of this.<!–/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_230927_064356_909.sdocx–>