Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling stuck: how to move on?
- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by
plaxs.
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January 1, 2017 at 6:43 pm #124242
AnonymousGuestDear Patropomez:
It reads to me that you feel very good about helping Joshua. But have you really helped him? Is his mental situation, his GAD improved because of your involvement in his life? If so, how?
anita
January 1, 2017 at 10:39 pm #124254
PatriciaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for taking the time to answer.
I actually don’t think his GAD has improved because of my involvement in his life. On the contrary, many times I wonder if my involvement is simply a crutch to him, or that it doesn’t allow him to face the circumstances of a sometimes-harsh reality.
I care deeply and understand him, and I always do my best to help him find a solution when a problem arises. But often I find myself wondering when is the emotional rollercoaster going to stabilize, when is he going to learn from his past mistakes and stop doing the same old things that hurt him, when is he going to actually do all the things he always says he’ll do… but he doesn’t. For example, he’s financially unstable because of a wild shopping spree he made a few months ago, and even knowing better, he still goes on buying things he doesn’t actually need. This compromises his ability to fulfill his part of the rent on time, which I don’t mind paying until I see him buy some more stuff he doesn’t need, and it becomes frustrating to remind it to him because he enters a state of worrying and depression of not having enough money…
Similar situations happen in other aspects of life, and eventually he ends up feeling powerless and depressed, so even though I have the best intentions, I think I’ve hardly helped him improve.Why do you ask?
Sincerely,
Particia
January 2, 2017 at 9:01 am #124300AnonymousGuestDear patricia:
I asked if you think that you helped Joshua so far because as I stated at the beginning of my first post to you: “It reads to me that you feel very good about helping Joshua.”
I am thinking you derive some comfort in helping him, in the fact that he is vulnerable and needs help. In the process of helping him, you hurt yourself. For example, you pay his part of the rent (your last post) and you experienced the distress of him acting coldly to you when in public or hiding his texting to his ex girlfriends from you.
But maybe hurting yourself seems worthy for you because of the good, good feeling in helping a vulnerable, struggling individual, Joshua.
If you are not helping him in actuality, in reality and it is your observation and evaluation that over the years with him, there is no improvement in his well being, then that good feeling is not based on reality.
What do you think?
anita
January 4, 2017 at 4:33 am #124479PatriciaParticipantDear Anita,
Thanks again for your reply.
I think you’re right, this feeling is not based on reality. This feeling is based on how when I help him he thanks me for it and temporarily feels better. Maybe I’ve been solving his problems when what I really meant was to help him do it, to support him. He says he has improved… he says he can do other things now… he has quit smoking and stopped doing much of what hurt him in the past, and I’ve been there for better or worse.
The good feeling I have with him is not only about helping him though… it’s about sharing the trust and openness that I have with him, to support each other, although I have to admit thinking there are many times I feel I’m the one supporting him, not the other way around. Somehow, his problems will always be more important than mine because of his condition… maybe it’s selfish for me to say so and that’s why I never do.
Anyway… I don’t know what to do.Patricia
January 4, 2017 at 9:30 am #124501AnonymousGuestDear patricia:
I think it is a good idea for you to consider dissolving this relationship with Joshua. I don’t think it is working FOR you. The good feeling you have believing you are helping him is not enough to make up for the dysfunction of this relationship.
The dysfunction, as I see it, is that even though you believe he is emotionally unwell, needing help, he is the one leading you and the relationship: he is the one who decided it needs to be friends-with-benefits; he is the one who decided to interact with you affectionately when in private and pick up other girls when in public, being distant from you in public. He is the one who decided those things and you went along with him.
If he really was the one who needs mental help, your help, how is it that he is the leader of your life; how is it that he is determining what kind of a relationship you engage in?
Aren’t you, the one you consider the better-able, the helper, the one to lead, and not to follow?
anita
January 5, 2017 at 1:05 am #124597
plaxsParticipantHi Patricia,
I agree with Anita.You need to move out and dissolve this un-healthy relationship. He needs professional help for GAD and also his relationship issues. He is leeching off you to be very frank.
1. You are friends “with benefits” – any guy would not want to break that off. No strings attached is like a gold mine for guys like this.
2. You take care of him, pay his rent everything and he still picks other girls and talks to his ex-friends, does not give you the respect you deserve?
3. You are strangers outside and not inside? What are you? That is not a good word for a nice person like you.I was in a relationship where I supported a guy, his family and it was same “with benefits”. End of day, he told me he feared his life would be lost if I married him. I left him that second. He had stopped me from getting married to another by proposing and telling my Dad too. In the end, I was the loser. I was glad I realized it atleast then. This is second instance, first instance, I bought him a $6000 car, paid his mom so she can have an bank account balance etc., He one said “I do not love you”. I had to let go that moment and found courage to get the money atleast some of it back after an year or so.
Reason I am sharing is this – Unhealthy relationships will end up ruining your life. Dissolve this relationship. Get out of there, find a good place where you can have friends and meet up new people. Robert is also not your immediate choice. So do not jump from this to him. Be open, meet different people. Find yourself again. Then the right person will come along. It could be Robert too. Do not let a guy treat you badly.
Best of luck,
Lajo -
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