Hello, I’m writing because I feel stuck, as I’ve been for the past 5 months now, maybe someone out there will help me shed some light on this matter.
I’ve been living with my best friend Joshua for two years now. He suffers from General Anxiety Disorder, and I met him about three years ago. Ever since we met we felt a deep trust for one another, and he helped me go through a very tough time in my life, where I had my heart broken.
Eventually we became friends with benefits, and even though I felt more for him, he was always clear with me on the fact that he thought relationships were things that always ended, and he didn’t want to lose me and the special bond we shared. When we started living together I have to admit I always struggled with the fact of acting differently inside the house as opposed to the outside: we were very warm to one another while in our house, and when we left we were much colder and distant. When we hanged out with other people, it was always difficult for me to be treated as just another friend, seeing him pick up other girls, but I dealt with it anyway. Sometimes I would say something to him and he would reply that I was taking a girlfriend attitude, which I had no right to, since we were just friends.
He also behaved very strangely towards his ex girlfriends, keeping a very close relationship with them. Every time he spoke of them he acted very strange, and I felt he was hiding from me the fact that he was talking to them, as he always left the room we were in when they called, or used to hide the screen of his cell phone from me when he was texting them.
This was hard for me to understand, along with his constant desire of being loved, and I never understood why he always wanted to be loved, but didn’t allow me to love him. I kind of always felt undeserving, unappreciated.
As time passed, his struggle with GAD has gotten more complicated. Many days he wakes up feeling very depressed and doesn’t go to work, he has quite a lot of debt, and he constantly feels empty and without a purpose.
Even though all of this, I’ve understood him and cared for him very much: during this whole time I still wanted to be with him and over the months I told him so, getting the same answer: he didn’t want to risk losing me because of a failed relationship.

A year and a half ago, I changed jobs and met different people, some of whom became close friends. One of those people is Robert, a colleague a couple of years younger than me, with whom I also developed a very close relationship. As I started interacting with people at the office, I brought Joshua to the group, and he always teased me about how Robert was attracted to me. Since I was thinking always of him, I never paid much attention to this, and always made Joshua my first priority, cancelling my plans with my new acquaintances every time Joshua felt bad or told me he needed me.

In May I met someone else who was clearly interested in me, and I started seeing him, and even thought I didn’t notice at the time, every time I told Joshua I was going out with him, something happened that made me cancel my plans too. I was meeting the other guy for dinner, and even though Joshua was supporting me and telling me to go on and live my life, he had an anxiety attack and went to be checked into a psychiatric clinic. I was extremely worried and felt horrible, and I realized that I felt so bad because I felt I was committed to Joshua, even though we were not a couple. After he returned home I told him again how I felt: I wanted to be with him and only him, and take care of him and be happy and support him during difficult times. He answered the same thing he had answered twice before: he didn’t want to lose me in a failed relationship, and besides, he considered in his shape he was not a good influence to me, and sometimes he felt I was not a good influence for him, either.

I, again, felt very sad about his answer, but felt relieved that he cleared the situation that way.
It took quite a lot of effort to start to think of him only as a friend who did not want a closer relationship with me.
I started seeing Robert without telling Joshua, because I didn’t want him to judge me, or warn me, or tease me because of this. I had the most amazing time, and I felt this happiness I had not experienced in a long time by being with him. He always listens, always wants to see me smile.
In my head I justified myself for going out with Robert, because of Joshua’s attitudes. But then I thought there was no real competition, because I was never Joshua’s partner in the first place.

Then I decided to start telling Joshua little by little, that I was going out with Robert. He acted a bit possessive, and told me Robert was not good for me, and he didn’t want me to suffer the way I had suffered when we first met.
Then, suddenly one day he told me he had had second thoughts about the answer he had given me, and he wanted for us to try and be a couple.

This was very confusing, especially because I had not told him everything that was going on between Robert and me, and I felt torn between both men. I told him so, and he said that if this was so, he had to get away from me and we should go on with our separate lives. I can’t believe I’m about to lose him as my best friend, especially when I gave him the opportunities to be together during these years. I know I should have told Joshua to leave me alone because I was already seeing Robert. But still I haven’t been able to make up my mind about which one should I be with. Sometimes I feel it’s the end of the world, and I feel any decision I make will turn out in some loss: I don’t want to lose Joshua and many times I feel I belong with him, to take care of him as I have been doing so far, but every time I’m with Robert I feel this happiness that I simply cannot overlook.

I’m afraid of making the wrong choice: I feel I’ve known Joshua for so long that I know almost everything about him… except the lies and the way he behaves strangely (maybe because of his disorder). And I have not known Robert for so long but he has made me want to feel again…

How can I choose? How can I stop feeling so wrong for any choice I make?