This past fall, I slept with someone while doing volunteer work on a farm out of state. We were both in relationships at the time, although I subsequently ended mine because of it. I didn’t ask questions about his girlfriend, though I knew they lived together and that it was “long term”, although I did occasionally ask if he felt all right about what he was doing with me. He increasingly told me things like, “I wish I could be in a relationship with you, but it’s complicated right now”, etc. and liked to do things like hold my hand in public and tell me that he was “boyfriending” me. It was my first time trying casual sex, and prior to this I had only had three partners, all of which were long-term, loving relationships lasting more than a year (I’m 25), which he was aware of. This was something new for me and his comments annoyed me, since I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I even verbalized this.
He took me to the airport when it was time for me to go back home and we had unprotected sex in his car. After he finished, he said, “I came in you, but it was just a little bit.” It was the last day of my period. I was incredulous, but didn’t want to get worked up or make a scene.
When I got home, it took a little more than a month for me to realize my period was late. This person had stayed in touch with me, wanting to meet up somewhere between our homes, which are in different states. He also started accusing me of giving him and his girlfriend an STD, which deeply troubled me as I had just gotten checked after sleeping with my last boyfriend, and if I had caught something, it would have meant he had cheated on me after I’d been tested. I didn’t plan on mentioning my late period to him, but after I got to be a week and a half late and the STD accusations kept coming (he hadn’t had a test, mind you), I got annoyed and said, “Well, just so you know, my period is getting late. I’m going to get a test tomorrow. Do you want me to tell you either way?” He said he did. I got a test and, voila! I was pregnant. I was horrified. I sent him a picture of the test and all he said was, “oh my god.” i told him I would take care of it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. This is basically the reason I don’t have casual sex– because things like this happen, and because, if they do, I think some support and love are in order. But I didn’t want these things from this person. I duly went to planed parenthood about a week later and was early enough to have the two-part take-home abortion. (I had had a procedure in the past, so I knew what to expect, so in that way it wasn’t totally horrific at least). He didn’t offer to help pay, nor did he give me any kind of real apology– he didn’t even call me. I got one text from him the day of asking how it was going, and when i told him it was over and i was in bed, i didn’t hear back. The next time I heard from him was when he called to inform me that his infection hadn’t cleared up and that he and his girlfriend were going in for STD tests (eventually i heard from him, informing me that the tests came back clear and apologizing for worrying me). I felt sickened and told him that it was best if he didn’t talk to me again. That lasted about a month, and then I started getting flirtatious texts and calls from him again, wanting to exchange dirty pictures, etc. I choose not to respond to these.
I was hanging out with a friend of his the other day when I got a text from him. His friend expressed surprise that we still talk, and said, “His girlfriend wouldn’t take kindly to that at all.” He went on to inform me that they have been together for five years, and that this girl is apparently the kindest and most beautiful soul on earth, basically. Somewhat ironically, she works at a rape crisis center as a volunteer, among other things. She’s in her mid-thirties, which somehow makes this feel more serious to me. The friend showed me a picture of her, and she is not at all what I had imagined– a homely, smiling, normal-looking lady. Apparently, according to the friend, the guy who slept with me sleeps around every chance he can get– which he lied to me about– and that his girlfriend basically turns a blind eye/is unaware and trusting. This whole exchange filled me with fury. I don’t feel like I can really tell anyone about what happened to me, and I feel awful for participating in something so tawdry. If his girlfriend had even the slightest idea about what happened, I know that A) she would be incredibly deeply hurt and that B) their relationship would probably be over. Can you imagine hearing that the partner you love and trust knocked someone up, and then didn’t even reach out to that person– and then didn’t tell you anything at all about it? I don’t have a desire to tell her or to ruin anyone’s life for that matter, but I feel like this person was let off the hook extremely easily. At the same time that he used my body without permission and then failed to take any kind of accountability for it (not that I asked for him to, but I don’t feel I should have had to), he was also living at home with his wonderful partner lying to her face. I feel absolutely sick when I think about it. I’ve tried to just not think about it at all, but it keeps coming back up and irritating me– plus every week or two I get inevitable “you up?” texts, which I ignore, but which make my blood boil. I feel that everyone got screwed except for this guy. Advice, please!!