Dear me:

I am glad you’ll be going out with coworkers for New Year!

I understand how it may feel, not having your father alive for the first ever Christmas. No matter how complicated the relationship was, still, he was there your whole life, and now he is gone.

You did your best as he was nearing the end of his life, your very best. You werte a good so to a father who was not as good to his son

Pat yourself on the back, me, for having been the good 👍 son that you were, that you are still. You are a good person, me!!!

I’ll write a bit more in the morning (using my phone. Did ,I mention zI broke my computer by spilling liquid on it the day before yesterday?

😔 Anita

Dear me:

“I just wanted to leave this girl so I can work on myself and start traveling not worrying about someone all the time… I had to make up a lame reason to end things, instead of the truth that I liked her”-

What you wrote here and shared previously many times (beginning in regard to the first coworker years ago) fits a certain Attachment Style, and I wonder if talking about it may help?

So, what you shared over time, fits the Fearful‑Avoidant Attachment Style (also called disorganized attachment), which I personally experienced for most of my life.

It combines two opposite forces:

(1) an Anxious side who longs for connection and closeness

(2) an Avoidant side who becomes overwhelmed by closeness

When there is a connection, a person with this attachment becomes hyper‑vigilant to signs of rejection, monitors texting frequency, tone, social media activity, feels easily threatened by small changes, and interprets neutral behavior as loss of interest, then shuts down when emotions get too intense, withdrawing suddenly, blocking, disappearing, or cutting off contact to regulate the fear.

This creates a cycle of: “Come close.. but not too close.”

A fearful‑avoidant person craves intimacy, reaches out, then feels unsafe in intimacy, panics and withdraws or blocks. Then feels lonely again, longs for connection, and repeat.

It’s a nervous system stuck between fear of abandonment and fear of closeness.

So, even small changes—like fewer texts, slower replies, or a missed Instagram story—can feel like danger.

I experienced this because I desired closeness with my mother but then it was unsafe, she turned against me too many times. That became the blueprint for my connections with people: wanting it but feeling unsafe in it.

Does this resonate with you?

Thank you for your good wishes for me, me. Maybe they helped because seems like my cold is gone or almost all gone since yesterday!

Happy New Year Me 🎉🥂✨🎊🍾🌟🎉🥳✨🍾🎊🌟🎉 Anita

Anita