Update :

5. Is it possible to move on while I still have some lingering affections for that certain person (and there is a chance that the lingering affections will always be there?)

Considering the nature of the break up and relationship, it was a very mature and understanding relationship, even now we still have a very good relationship even though we are no longer in contact with each other, but we are still keeping the communication line open and will be there for each other if we have some kind of problems. We broke up due to the circumstances that did not allowed the relationship to go any further, for a while – there are times when I wished that we broke up for some other “bad” reasons like because we are not compatible or because we no longer love each other instead of blaming the “circumstances and timing” like what I am doing right now.

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Anita,

Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it, very much.

I think you are absolutely right. I am very scared of being alone. Your responses to my questions explains everything that I cannot explain myself for this few months. My difficulty of letting go isn’t because of anything related to him.

Now that I understand the root of my problem, can you give me any advices to stop having this fear of being alone? To give you a general background, I have a good support system, my family never abused / abandoned me, and I have a tight inner circle of friends, they are all good and loyal friends to me. I do not understand why I am scared of being alone, this fear must have a background or origins for it to surfaced.

My parents spoils me a lot, though. I probably have to mention that. Spoiled kids usually grew up to be really selfish and not emotionally understanding but lucky for me, I surround myself with good friends and good ex boyfriend that grounds me a lot. Can this be the reason why?

Would love to hear your advices, Anita

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for answering again, I will give you the answers to the questions you have asked above.

Well, I am going to try to be modest as possible while explaining (please do not get the wrong idea) but I come from a pretty well off family.

My father wasn’t around until I was around 2 years old due to him finishing his Master studies in Australia, but surprisingly I have a pretty close relationship with him since I am not a difficult child. My mother and I have a very close relationship since I was a kid but I noticed that she tends to “baby” me a lot. I am 19 but I have never worked a proper job even a part time one, I cannot drive, and I cannot even apply for my own visa when I was going to study abroad. My mother did it all for me. I am very much still attached and dependant on her

This later on, became a problem for me growing up. I became very attached and dependant to people. That is why I have a very tight inner circle of friends because I abandon (or willingly gave up) those who cannot stay “loyal” to me. What I mean by loyal is, I want them to be dependable when I need them to be. A close friend of mine have agreed that I tend to depend on people a lot, even without me realising it.

I am trying to not depend so much on people these days, but I have to admit that I like it when I am able to depend on people. One of the reason why this break up was very hard was also because I depended a lot on my ex parter, having him made me feels very secure. I am a foreigner at this country I am living in (for studying abroad) and since my ex was a local, he became a very important person in my life. I feel like I was searching for that certain partner that would treat me as well as my parents do. My ex became a substitute of my parents in this country. I guess you can say that losing him was like losing my mother

My father has expressed a few times to my mother that she shouldn’t have spoiled me too much, but I feel like since my father also has a lot of guilt for not being “there” during my childhood so his actions does not say much. He is treating me the same way as my mother has been treating me all my life, not to mention that I never really had any problematic teenager phase during my life, so no reason for him to “rebel” against my mom by treating me harshly

To give you a bit of background, my grandfather spoiled my mother even worse. That is why she spoils me too (this is her answer when I asked her why she spoiled me so much) She grew up in a similar background as I did, and she was an only child. She was overflowed with love and material things by my grandparents.

In short, my parents spoils me and they are aware that they are spoiling me.

Sorry if it is too long, I tried to keep it as short as possible. I would love to hear your feedback, Anita 🙂

-Mina

Anita,

You wrote : “To be less dependent on others, you need to develop the belief that you are capable of doing the job of taking care of you, working, driving, applying for your own visa… There is no other way to diminish your fear of being alone and overdependence on others.”

1. Can you explain in more detail about this? How can I develop these belief when all my life, I have been treated like a baby that won’t survive without its parents? I really want to stop being dependant on people, because I feel like I became a problem to them and it made me really hard to let go of someone that isn’t in my life any more just because I want to feel safe again by being with them somehow

2. I will answer your question above :

“do you feel that your mother is very attached/ somehow dependent on you and that if you do adequately take care of yourself and need her less, that it will be as if you are betraying her, or abandoning her?”

No, my mother isn’t dependant to me at all. She is a very independent human being, she is very social but she does not “need” people in a sense. She is not dependant to my grandmother (her mother) or my father (her husband) even me (her own daughter) so definitely no. She takes care of herself pretty well.

My mother would be very happy if I can take care of myself to tell you honestly. These days, due to my depression, I have became pretty difficult to handle. Even my ex partner cannot really controlled my behaviour and feelings anymore. I do not feel like I am betraying / abandoning her if I can be independent by myself, but I have never had such feelings in my life. The reason why I am still very much attached and dependant to my parents is because I am the one not wanting to take care of myself due to my fear of being alone. It is too hard and somehow scary for me, to just be out there living my life – without any shield and protection.

I think this is also worth mentioning : I was also very dependant on my teachers. Especially my high school teachers. That is why my transition from HS to College wasn’t very smooth because Professors won’t baby you even if you get good grades, you get the same treatment as everyone. I think it shook me up quite a lot back then.

My teachers and parents were my main “shield” from the real world in a sense. Imagine that you are living in a war country, everyone are wearing a bulletproof vests except for you. You won’t survive, right? For me, the bulletproof vests are my teachers and my parents that protected me from the big bad world. Sounds silly, I know.

I would love to hear feedback, Anita. x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the advices. I will try 🙂

-Mina