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Fiancé choosing porn over intimacy with me

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  • #296261
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I (30/F) have been with my fiancé (32/M) for 3 years and we live together with no kids. I think our sex life has always been fairly consistent, but we could even kick it up a notch and we’ve also talked about experimenting and deepening our intimacy.

    Well the other week I went down to the fitness room in our apartment complex for a brief work out. Later that night I initiated because I was in the mood (and I didn’t expect him to do anything… I don’t mind this because it personally makes me feel good and gives me satisfaction to be a “giver”). Well he turned me down and said he had already taken care of himself and had watched porn while I was working out. I told him that I gladly would’ve given him a hand and he said he understood and would wait for me next time.

    Fast forward to last night. The same thing happened. I went to the grocery store and when I got back I noticed his laptop was out. I asked him if he had been watching porn and at first he lied and said no. I told him that I already knew he had watched it while I stepped out to get groceries and then he admitted that he had and apologized for initially lying.

    Lately I feel like he’s preferring porn over being intimate with me. I’m not anti-porn. I just think maybe there’s a time and a place for it? Like if I’m physically gone all day. In these instances I’m just running some quick errands and then he *declines* sex because he has already taken care of himself.

    He says it means nothing and it’s just a quick and easy release.

    Curious to hear thoughts?

    #296263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    “He says it means nothing and it’s just a quick and easy release”-

    – easy, he said. Meaning it is difficult to engage with you, therefore he prefers it easy-

    Is it possible that he feels pressured when having sex with you, pressured to make it all last longer than he’d like, or something about being engaged with you, even as “a giver”, is difficult for him?

    anita

    #296271
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I asked him and he said he feels he would do this with anyone and it’s not personal. He just likes the quickness, there’s less physical activity involved, and there’s no pressure to perform. In a way I can understand this, but to an extent… it doesn’t make sense to me when I’m offering to do all of the work and telling him I’m okay with that and even enjoy it. Therefore, that leads me to believe he just genuinely sometimes prefers the imagery and novelty of porn. He said it’s like a habit he’s had since he was a teenager.

    #296279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreamging715:

    His explanation makes sense to me and it sounds honest, that is, I don’t see him hiding something from you or being deceitful in any way- it is a habit, for one, then it is easy and quick, like it always was for him.

    A habit before you came along, no  difference from his habit of tweeting about the band he likes, a habit from before.

    Some habits do change over time, but never underestimate the power of a habit, the strong inclination to repeat what was done before, regardless of new experiences. It takes a lot of time and repetition for the new experiences to become habits.

    anita

     

    #296293
    Mark
    Participant

    dreamging715,

    You two still can be sexually intimate without having him having an erection.  I would have a frank and honest talk with him about what you enjoy and what he enjoys.   This pressure to perform is understandable.  If you are willing to let go having him “performing” and be happy with other aspects of intimacy such as cuddling, him satisfying you with his hands and mouth,  giving each other massages, just kissing and making out, etc. then that may be an answer to still be intimate despite him still wanting to satisfy himself.

    Mark

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