Home→Forums→Relationships→Fiance Dumped me over text
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September 2, 2018 at 4:06 pm #224099
ClassyParticipantMy fiance dumped me over text with no explanation why. We were together for over 5 years. It’s been 5 months and I still have this gaping wound in my chest. He was a porn addicted, alcoholic who was emotionally and verbally abusive. He would brag about how he can “just cut people off”, but he assured me he would never do that to me ( which clearly he did). He had cheated on me for the first year of the relationship.
I am a successful young woman who saw the best in him. On paper, you wouldn’t think that we would be together. When I found this person, he said he loved me within the first month, which surprised me. I am a shell of a person and completely different than who I was before I started dating him. The abuse just added up and I just got used to it. I used to be a vibrant, bubbly, compassionate woman. After that text, I feel isolated, bitter, resentful. I want to go back to the old me!! I liked that one
Does anyone relate, how long did it take you to move past this?
September 2, 2018 at 5:13 pm #224105
MarkParticipantClassy,
It sounds like you have had a “growing experience.” Sorry. You seem like you are still in the shock stage. I would ask not how long it will take to get past this but how best to heal and learn from this.
First and foremost, always love and take care of yourself. Do you have ways of doing that? Exercise? Circle of friends? Fun and meditative activities (such as walks, hikes, etc.)? Journalling?
Then once you have gone through some grieving and healing, start examining the relationship. What was your role in it? What about you and your upbringing, your family-of-origin that contributed you to stay in such an abusive relationship? You probably will need a therapist to assist you to see the blind spots that you cannot see for yourself and to walk you through your background and unconscious blocks around relationships.
Be gentle with yourself. You are not to blame nor there is anything wrong with you. It takes time.
Mark
September 2, 2018 at 5:28 pm #224107ClassyParticipantI do have a good support circle and I am taking care of myself. I have also taken up kayaking, however, it does not feel like it is enough. I believe my upbringing did contribute to this as I grew up in an abusive home. I always thought it was a silver lining as I learned to be more compassionate. I felt like I didn’t have anyone that helped me, so I wanted to do my best to help others. When I found my ex, also from an abusive home, I wanted to help him. I do have a therapist I am working with, but again, it doesn’t feel like enough. I am in my mid 20’s so maybe I am being impatient as I feel like I’m getting to old to settle down and have kids.On some days I feel so much rage towards my ex, an emotion I have rarely felt. This is not me.
Thanks so much for responding kind Mark. I really appreciate the time you took to write all that!
September 2, 2018 at 5:49 pm #224109MarkParticipantClassy,
Good for you for all that care. I believe we all want immediate relief, healing, happiness. Unfortunately what takes years in the making (usually unconsciously), will take long to undo. This day and age with internet speed, instant gratification, Amazon next day delivery and dating swipe right, we are conditioned to have it all and have it now.
I believe in anger (rage). I was brought up without having that expressed in my family-of-origin. It is as valid an emotion as joy. I am still learning to embrace that, to feel that without skipping over it. This is all part of who we are. Emotions are human. How we choose to express our emotions, especially rage and anger is another thing. I encourage you to fully express it without judgment or holding back (within reason). I think it is good for you to do so. Rage is you (for now). It’s there for a reason. Honor that. Be with it. If it is too scary to physically express it (though I would encourage you to do so, ex. bang on a pillow or scream or something) then sit with it in meditation.
Mark
September 3, 2018 at 6:59 am #224173
AnonymousGuestDear Classy:
You wrote: “I grew up in an abusive home. I felt like I didn’t have anyone that helped me, so I wanted to do my best to help others. When I found my ex, also from an abusive home, I wanted to help him”. I think it was your effort to help the little helpless child that you were, the one who was not helped by anyone.
When your efforts to help him came to an end, unsuccessfully, you found yourself experiencing what you did as a little girl, in your home of origin, “a shell of a person.. isolated, resentful… so much rage”
You wrote regarding the latter, “This is not me”. I think it is not all that you are, and it definitely is not what you want to experience, but I do think this is a significant part of you still there.
What do you think?
anita
September 3, 2018 at 12:59 pm #224213ClassyParticipantWow Anita, thank you for that perspective. I didn’t think of it that way. What do suggest I do with this?
September 4, 2018 at 5:34 am #224249AnonymousGuestDear Classy:
I can share with you what happened to me and you can decide if and what was or is true to you as well. I will make it short and condensed:
I was abused too and like you “I didn’t have anyone that helped me”. The fear I felt was intense and equal to the fear of death. The awareness that the adult I depended on for care and love turned against me aggressively and the awareness that I am stuck with that repeatedly aggressive person was too much for my brain to endure, so disassociation took place. And so, to this very day I don’t remember how I felt then, memories are devoid of fear.
I do remember still the rage that came after, that my brain was able to endure. I remember it well.
What I did that helped me in the last seven years plus (the length of my ongoing healing process): had quality psychotherapy for the first time in my life, a hard working, honest, dedicated, caring, although imperfect therapist, ended all contact with my mother, removed-over time- my empathy from where it was, with my mother, the abuser to me, the abused. Learned to assert myself, to display reasonable, fair power in my own life, no longer being helpless, that is, having me to help myself.
If you would like to further communicate, please do and I will be glad to respond to you.
anita
September 9, 2018 at 7:35 am #224751
RoaryParticipantClassy,
Whether you realise it or not, it’s a good thing your fiancé has broken up with you. Doing so by text is low, but that should affirm why this person is not good for you. I went through something similar. I can tell you are an empath, with low self esteem. You are a people pleaser and thus allow others to treat you badly. Your past may have contributed to this, and somewhere you have learned to believe you aren’t worthy of real love.
I believe you were with a narcissist, and I expect they love bombed you and made you feel very special in the beginning. Gradually, you were manipulated and left to feel it was your fault this didn’t work out. But it was your lack of self esteem that brought this person into your life. They probably never loved you. And that’s hard to take.
Where do you go from here? Learn about narcissistic abuse and boundaries, because you allowed this person to walk right through you. You are a gentle soul and we need more like you, but you will have to learn to stand up for yourself in order to avoid something similar happening again.
I recommend you check out Richard Grannon on YouTube. You probably have a lot to learn, and it takes time.
Best of luck to you.
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