Fight within - will i be able to win self respect over love -Help

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This topic has 23 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 19, 2018 at 9:15 am #226317

Annie
Participant

Stupid decision is to end myself. My friend says i cant do it since people who can just do it don’t go abut telling it. It is just that sometimes it tempts me. I cant handle the pain of losing that him. You r right i was a victim of abuse and it started at 6, i didnt get to trust any person in my extended family or friends. I have had trouble since then but in him i had found someone with whom i can keep sharing anything and everything and he used to listen. We both used to love our long roadtrips. Just that it stopped mattering to him what happens to me. I dont know what i miss – him or my old time when i dont had to face this truth. I could have just stayed on like his mom does.

September 19, 2018 at 10:09 am #226321

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

I understand you wanting to end your pain, I did too and it was a tempting thought for me as well. Thing is, your pain will end, for sure as would mine. Death will happen, I do not intend to rush it. For now, I let it happen when it will. Yet, it is a comforting feeling, isn’t it, knowing that the pain will end for sure.

But for now, let’s make our lives the best lives we can make of it. You value it so much that he used to listen to you. Another man will listen to you, it can happen. Right hereon your thread I am listening to you. It is happening right now that you are being listened to. Not in person, I am not a man and I am not close to you so I can hold your hand and give you a hug, but it is something, not nothing, that I listen to you, or read your writing attentively.

And so, we can have a little something right now, and a little something later in the day, something meaningful happening. Find that meaning throughout the day, here and there, we need meaning.

You “could have just stayed”, you left a bad situation so to have a better life. Thing is, you left something bad behind you but you didn’t move toward something good. So you are left with some good memories and nothing good happening right now.

This is why I suggested finding a meaning right now, later on, finding something to move toward so that you are not stuck anymore.

anita

September 19, 2018 at 10:02 pm #226439

Annie
Participant

Anita

i know there are people with very bad struggles and unimaginable pain out there and i have been telling myself and kept going. May be i make too much fuss about everything. But handling that issues growing up not talking to anyone was crazy. The first person i shared this with was my ex husband who was my friend. You know what he did, he called up my relatives and told them in most brutal manner this story with added spice. That is how wrong i had been on man i love. I told him on his face he can go to facebook and post if i can fight my way up where i am then i can fight him also. I wanted my fathers love i lost it growing up because i couldnt handle any person touch but o kept going and i met this guy and thought i got one, Believe me i am strong in that sense because i kept trying to find love i believe world is magical everything is so beautiful the trees the flowers the dance in every moment its amazing but i feel that is my mistake i live in dreamworld. With this i feel my strength is wearing off. I have been trying but reach a dead end thats because something about me not loving myself. When will that happen. i dont know. so this pain this time is unbearable to the core.

September 19, 2018 at 10:03 pm #226441

Annie
Participant

Anita

i know there are people with very bad struggles and unimaginable pain out there and i have been telling myself and kept going. May be i make too much fuss about everything. But handling that issues growing up not talking to anyone was crazy. The first person i shared this with was my ex husband who was my friend. You know what he did, he called up my relatives and told them in most brutal manner this story with added spice. That is how wrong i had been on man i love. I wanted my fathers love i lost it growing up because i couldnt handle any person touch but o kept going and i met this guy and thought i got one, Believe me i am strong in that sense because i kept trying to find love i believe world is magical everything is so beautiful the trees the flowers the dance in every moment its amazing but i feel that is my mistake i live in dreamworld. With this i feel my strength is wearing off. I have been trying but reach a dead end thats because something about me not loving myself. When will that happen. i dont know. so this pain this time is unbearable to the core.

September 20, 2018 at 8:40 am #226469

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

Did I understand correctly: you shared your personal childhood experiences with your ex husband and he betrayed you by telling your family members what you shared, and he did so in a way that was accusatory of you?

If I understood correctly, his betrayal of you was horrible. The idea of going back to him is a bad, bad idea, an idea as horrible as his betrayal of you.

You mentioned your father, “I wanted my father’s love I lost it growing up because I couldn’t handle any person touchy”- will you share more about it, I don’t understand this sentence very well. If I understand what happened with your father, I may understand that something in what you wrote here: “something about me not loving myself”.

anita

September 20, 2018 at 9:31 am #226479
Annie
Participant
I meant that since I suffered abuse I was scared of anyone’s touch. I couldn’t hug my Papa also. We never shared a hug after i grew up. Yes my ex husband thought I was seeing someone which I was not and hence stopped listening to him and he called up my relatives and father and told them we didn’t have kids because of this trauma and yes in accusatory way. He is a good case to let go. He is a strange character when I used to tell him his friend is checking me out which I’d don’t appreciate he used to ignore. So Anita he didn’t love me right. I can’t today also tell his flaws to anyone like that leave his relatives. That secret was all I had and now I am exposed within family.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Annie.
September 20, 2018 at 10:21 am #226491

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

His betrayal of you was horrible indeed, is horrible because you still suffer for it. I know the feeling of being betrayed, how it shatters one’s world, sort of creates a hole in the ground where I kept falling and falling. I remember.

“That secret was all I had and now I am exposed within family”- but you do have more, the life in you, the life that is yet to be lived, things to discover, to learn. Protect that life that is left from people who don’t deserve you in their lives.

I am sorry you were betrayed by him. I wish it didn’t happen.

When I was betrayed I felt I deserved it. Now I understand that I didn’t deserve it.

anita

September 20, 2018 at 11:00 pm #226555

Annie
Participant

You were betrayed. I am sorry to hear that. While you agree with me in my heart i cant agree with myself. I feel i am the one responsible for everything happening. Noone else is responsible, what should i do with the thoughts. i am battling with them but they are getting louder.

September 21, 2018 at 5:10 am #226573

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

Your thoughts that are getting louder, telling you that you are “responsible for everything happening”, can you list those things happening that you feel responsible for, 1, 2, 3 and so on? If you do, try to make the list clear and simple, so that it is easier for me to understand each item on the list.

anita
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