I hope in these coming days this will be one of my last forums. I post on the site in my complete distress state. It’s like 4:30 am and I haven’t slept very much.

I had the last “closure” talk with my ex yesterday. Talk was initiated by me to get insight on him, to find out if there was any hope for us. To find out who he was with and if he has been thinking of me, after many back and forth of self loathing emails about how I lost him due to my insecurities and all, he finally told me that he is very sorry for my pain. He doesn’t like that I am so unhappy but he also cannot do anything about it. No one can. Just me. He told me that it wasnt a person who helped him make the decision to leave me, he did it due to the difficulties we had communicating. He said that maybe one day he can give me the proper goodbye which I deserve but right now, I’ll have to get over him and of any hope I have for him and I. He will never be in a romantic relationship with me. He is finding himself and learning a lot from our relationship. He is on a path of happiness as now he puts himself first. He wishes me luck and told me how amazing I was. He told me look at the strengths I have and to be proud of it. I am unique and its good to know that people like me are in this world.

Honestly, I wish he wasn’t so kind and clear. He did it gently but its still a rejection. I know in coming days I’ll see it for what this email is. I have stop beating myself up for this. My mind goes in million different directions when I think of that email but I am gently telling it to stop spinning. I am telling it come back to the present. A friend of mine said that I need to start looking at things with “glass half full” vision. My ex didn’t have to say anything to my crazy obsessive emails. He didn’t have to answer at all. He did. My ex mentioned in his email that he cares for me. Instead of seeing the statement for what it said, my mind created a story about him not agreeing with one of my statements in my email to him. I told him that when u love someone u let them go and because he let me go, I know he loved me. Not romantically but loved me. I see it now. The web of self doubt is pretty dense in my mind. I am going to start listening to guided metta meditation everyday.

I know I can only get over this myself. No blogs ..no forums..no therapy..no conversation with my ex will ever get me there. I don’t know where to start. After this interaction with him, my love and respect for him has multiplied. Now I kick myself more for letting him go. I hope this regret doesn’t get the best of me. I am having very sad thoughts about being in a painful…dark whole. Its a hole of despair and regret…its a hole of insecurities. Of rejection..in a kindest way.

I need to get some prospective on this. All of u have helped me so much. I reach out to you in my hour of need. My eyes are hurting because of all the tears. I can’t seem to stop crying. Even my ex said that he is sorry I am crying but he can’t stop that for me. Only I can do it. I tried meditation, I tried running, I tried talking to myself like I would to a scared child and I am also looking for codependency support groups.
I am trying and my head goes back to ..”u will never find anyone nicer than him…he is the best man and u lost him” ….

I am almost embarrassed to keep posting since yesterday. Sorry for the sad posts.
Your fallen sister Sapna