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Finally left abusive relationship. Am I being selfish?

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #295629

    Pineapple
    Participant

    After 9 years of rocky marriage, my soon to be ex decided he didn’t want any family anymore and that I had to move out with my 6 years old kid. I begged him to let us stay in marriage and try again for the sake of the youngling, but he was adamant, said he’s “made up his mind”, and I had no choice but to leave and find a place of my own.

    So I did, and this was few months ago. It was harrowing at first as I wasn’t used to it, but it got better. I sleep better at night, I feel peaceful (no longer walking on eggshells), I started making friends (I had none as he was very jealous and though he said he “wanted” me to make friends, he would be suspicious and stuff over everything. So I gave up); I even sorted out my finance (he wasn’t working for years and I had to work part time, but the income + welfare didn’t support too well so we were always not having extra money, he said it was my fault because “he has been working longer than I ever was, so him not having a job is justified”).

    Anyway recently he seen how well I am doing and would like to give the family another go, as the reason it was failing before was because I wasn’t good enough for the family and him. But now since I have been improved, he is hoping to try again for the sake of “family”.

    I am reluctant because I have been living my past decade under his manipulation (he had been trying to leave me few months before the actual separation), and he knew I really wanted to keep the “family” and if I declined sexual things, he’d say “you said you want to try for family, I don’t want to do this family thing if you don’t want to put effort”. By effort he means having to always doing sexual things every single day. I had no friends, my life was only tied to the kid, working (which he always mocked as not a real work as it’s only part time), and basically keeping him happy. It feels like he’s another child I need to keep entertaining otherwise he’d get grumpy and would threaten me that he’s “tired” of this family and making it sound that he will leave.

    Anyway, he is now very angry because I was asking for money to help with the kid (as I am caring 100%) and he hasn’t been paying for anything or even spending time with the kid. I believe he’s doing it out of spite.

    Sometimes I am wondering if I make the right decision at this moment. Will I look back and regret this? Will my kid resent me for not taking the father back? Can I even be a good single parent? I cannot go back to him. After the longest time ever I finally feel peaceful, safe, and happy. Am I being selfish here ? Can I do this?

    To add: he’s been threatening me by saying he will ruin my relationship with my kid and calling me names. All those are recorded as they were sent as texts. I will keep this for when in the future my kid ask, I have proof.

    #295639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pineapple:

    Definitely, without any doubt, you should not go back to this man and instead, stay away from him in any and all ways possible, for the following reasons:

    1. “he’s been threatening me by saying he will ruin my relationship with my kid”.

    2. “he’s been… calling me names”.

    3. “he hasn’t been paying for anything” .

    4. “if I declined sexual things, he’d say ‘you said you want to try for family… you don’t want to put effort’. By effort he means having to always doing sexual things every single day”- sexual servitude or sort of slavery is a humiliating, degrading life.

    5. He told you that “the reason it was failing before was because I wasn’t good enough for the family and him. But now since I have been improved, he is hoping to try again”- it will be a matter of time before he, the … authority over goodness decides again that you are not good enough.

    6. You are emotionally healthier on your own than you’ve been living with him: “I sleep better at nigh, I feel peaceful… I started making friends.. I even sorted out my finance”.

    The only positive thing about this man in this context is that he hasn’t been “spending time with the kid”. It is better for your kid that he doesn’t spend time with this man, so if I was you, I wouldn’t encourage them to spend time with each other because your kid will be harmed by this man.

    “Can I even be a good single parent?”- you are emotionally healthier away from this man, therefore yes, you will be a better parent single than living with this man.

    “After the longest time ever I finally feel peaceful, safe, and happy”- for your sake and the sake of your kid, please stay away from this man. Keep any and all of his angry, threatening messages to you and consider arranging through the courts that he will not be allowed to have unsupervised (or any) visits with your child.

    I think you need to protect your child from this man.

    anita

     

    #295689

    Mark
    Participant

    Pineapple,

    What anita said in spades.

    Sometimes I am wondering if I make the right decision at this moment. Will I look back and regret this? Will my kid resent me for not taking the father back? Can I even be a good single parent? I cannot go back to him. After the longest time ever I finally feel peaceful, safe, and happy. Am I being selfish here ? Can I do this?

    Read what anita listed as why you are making the right decision.

    You can second guess yourself all you want.  What you need to do is trust yourself, believe in yourself, and know you are a good mother and person who can decide what is best for her child.

    You are always going to get your soon-to-be-ex haranguing you, trying to make you doubt yourself, trying to guilt you, trying to convince that he has changed but you do know better don’t you?

    Believe in yourself.  You can come here to this site to ask for help but ultimately it is up to you in the long run to believe in yourself and in your decisions.

    Mark

    #295695

    Karina
    Participant

    Good for you leaving. If you need support, call your local domestic abuse organization. Best of luck to you!

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