Hi Anita,

Yes – we are married and it is debt that was accrued pre and post marriage that I did not know about. It also feels like a betrayal because I asked about any debts many times in the last year and I was told there wasn’t any more debt, but then finally I was told the entire truth.

-Anna

Hi Anita!

I appreciate your response to this ❤️ While I don’t feel comfortable giving too many specifics, I will provide a bit for understanding.

In regarding the amount, it’s a lot for us. In the thousands.

Plan is to consolidate the debt and begin payments.

Reason for telling me I guess was because he finally got the courage to.

Reason for the debt was to try and sustain his business.

Thank you,

Anna

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response and perspective.

I respectfully disagree with your opinion on the “infidelity” aspect. “Financial infidelity” is described as “when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware.” This is a definition taken from an investment website. This term is also used in the marriage counseling world.

There were many times in the last year that I asked about further debt and he said over and over again “there is no more debt.” He would stonewall me when I would try and talk about ways that we could pay off the debt we already had; which now I know was because he was lying about the “more debt” part. He would discourage me when I had ideas of how to handle our finances, saying “it wouldn’t work.” But this was because he didn’t want me to have access to knowing all the debt through credit checks or some other way. So as I’m typing this I guess he didn’t just tell me because “he had the courage to.” I guess it was also because he knew eventually I’d find out because I was trying so desperately to be strategic in mending the debt we already had. I was talking to mortgage lenders for refinancing, financial advisors, learning about consolidation, etc. So eventually I would have found out through a credit check.

I respect your opinion in feeling that “infidelity” is too harsh of a term, but I have to disagree with you. There was continual lying, stonewalling, him discouraging me to try and “fix our finances,” and withholding debt from me for years. This was a break in trust for me and a betrayal. Perhaps it wouldn’t be for someone else, but it was for me. I wrote this post with the intention that maybe who has experienced this would understand where I’m coming from, or maybe they too have experienced this and didn’t understand why they were having such a roller coaster of emotions – anger, sadness, depression, distrust, confusion (because for years I thought I was being “too active” with our finances, but really his discouragement was to protect the lie).

It’s been a roller coaster for me. For the longest time I thought I was being to “pushy” or “active” in trying to mend our finances because of his comments and resistance in telling me the truth. This is hurtful. I am now understanding that I was doing exactly what I needed to do to be financially safe. He acknowledges that. He acknowledges that he was trying to keep me from knowing the truth.

I do understand and agree with the societal pressures on men to financially provide. I feel that I am sensitive to this. I have forgiven him for why he accrued the debt. However, it is hard to forgive and heal from the lying, dissuading, stonewalling, and sending the message that my ideas “wouldn’t work.” It’s important that I clarify this, especially if some other person is reading this and has experienced the same. Maybe they would disagree with me, too. But maybe there are some that would be validated by this, thus being able to process their roller coaster of emotions more easily.

Dr. Debi Silber has done extensive research on healing after a betrayal. Here is a blog post restating the topic: https://thepbtinstitute.com/the-many-sides-of-betrayal/

So, I guess I’m healing from the betrayal. I’m acknowledging that his intentions for the debt were exasperated by societal pressures; however, I’m also honoring my feelings from betrayal from the lying, stonewalling, and dissuading that he carried out.

Thank you, Anita, for creating an online space for me to process this  ❤️

-Anna

Hi Jones,

Wow, it’s wild that I was writing about this almost two years to the day.

I ended up reading Debi Silver’s Trust Again book and it was immensely helpful. I suggest you read it if you’re feeling a wave of betrayal.

First thing would be to look at the root. Why did he choose to spend above his means? It would be important for both of you to explore this question from a compassionate and curious perspective. It might be something he’s wondering himself and perhaps something he might want to change. My partner and I discussed this ourselves and he recognized that he does feel the pressure to provide as a male, but “stuffs down” that pressure and just keeps on spending (on date nights, vacations for us, etc).

I agree with the previous commenter regarding the timeframe. I would identify a reasonable monthly spending budget for him and then slowly pay back the debt.

I do agree with him paying back the debt. Not as a shaming way, but essentially a lesson. I recently heard a phrase like, “when you receive quickly, it goes away quickly.” If we don’t have to practice patience and persistence in our efforts, we don’t learn the lesson of slow growth and gain. This could be a valuable lesson for him, if he understand it that way. Again, not meant to be a punishment, but a wisdom gaining experience.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this: my partner and I learned so much from my initial post. And now reading Anita and my responses, I see where she is coming from more. And I see where I was coming from. I’m no longer angry, just filled with wisdom. And him and I became closer through the experience. I understand him and myself better. I wish with everything in me that this happens with you two, as well. Not all betrayals have to end in cynicism and distance. They can absolutely be an important pívot in which two peoples bond become stronger.

Strength to you,

Anna