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Finding the Core of Contentment

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  • January 25, 2014 at 7:22 pm #49727
    sandy
    Participant

    I just read a quote, “Can you find that core of contentment that is beyond all circumstances?”. I’ve been trying to locate that core for the past week. Something that I can rely on to get me out of the somewhat frequent states of suffering.

    Does anyone have any tips of how they find that unwavering peace and contentment? A thought, a phrase, a practice, etc? I would love to hear them!

    Thanks!

    January 25, 2014 at 8:16 pm #49729
    Erik
    Participant

    I have recently begun to realize that it IS possible to reach such a state. I am still figuring it out myself, so I’m not sure how helpful this will be, but I will say what I have learned. True happiness is UNCAUSED. This simple and obvious fact eluded me for a very long time. There isn’t and cannot be a magic bullet that will get you “out” of suffering. The desire not to suffer is the greatest cause of it. (the Buddha’s second noble truth.) It is a tricky position to be in. You are aware that you suffer and quite naturally wish to be free of it but it is this desire not to suffer that is the biggest problem. As far as a practice goes, awareness seems to be it. Forget trying not to suffer or wishing you didn’t suffer. Accept that you suffer. Accept that you cannot MAKE it go away. The only way out of pain is through it. The more fully you allow yourself to feel it and be it and understand it the less of a grip it will have on you. Many years ago I broke my foot. I was working as an Archaeologist which required me to hike and walk non stop for 10 hours a day. It was very painful to walk but missing work was not an option as my wife was pregnant with our first child and was a full time student, so we needed the money. I found to my surprise that once I stopped trying NOT to hurt the hurt was qualitatively different. The amount of pain was the same, the physical sensation did not change, but my ability to deal with it did. It was not simply fatalism, it was more than that, but somehow once I accepted that I was going to hurt and there was nothing to be done about it it wasn’t so bad. When I had to limp, I limped, when I had to moan or cry or scream I did. I walked on that broken foot 50 hours a week for the entire summer and I will never forget the lesson. The greatest source of pain is our desire NOT to be in pain. You cannot “locate” the core that is beyond circumstances. This isn’t because it doesn’t exist, it is because it is you. You cannot be the object of your own perception, and you don’t need to be. “Wherever you go, there you are.” So the bad news is that this thing is hard to see. The good news is that there is no need to find it because there is no way to lose it. I am not sure if this makes any sense or is helpful, but it is the best I can say it. These things can’t really be explained, they have to be lived. When you suffer try to watch and understand where your desire NOT to suffer comes from. This may lead to some helpful insights. Good luck.

    January 25, 2014 at 9:07 pm #49731
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Erik,

    Thanks for sharing. It makes perfect sense, and I’m grateful that you have articulated many things that I’ve been thinking. It is a tricky thing to wrap your head around. Pema Chodron’s book, ‘When Things Fall Apart’ came to mind while reading your post.

    I appreciate your story about your ankle. How brave and selfless of you – I commend you and hope it healed well. I have seen, as you have, that this state is hard to explain and that it must be lived.

    I have been studying eastern philosophy for about 10 years now, mostly to try and end my suffering. I’ve spent a good 8 months trying to dig deep (following the end of a relationship). I have learned a lot and my emotions and feelings allowed me to discover new perspectives on life. I was still suffering greatly until I started to listen to Rick Hanson’s lectures on the brain. They helped me to cultivate a perspective that has lessened my suffering greatly. It’s quite amazing how it has helped me to recognize the patterns that I have created in my brain over my lifetime. The times when I find myself really suffering have been shortened significantly since reading his books and becoming aware of my thought patterns. It’s pretty neat. Somehow this ties in with acceptance of what is. It’s helped me to better live the philosophies that I was learning and knowing, but not practicing (everything is impermanent, wanting something else is suffering, etc). I used to really get stuck in ruts, thinking things over and over in my mind. Now I’m able to snap out of it pretty quickly. I used to think that wisdom only came through suffering and by really delving into it (I learned a lot, but wasn’t able to keep my head above water during the exploration).

    Tonight, after posing this question on the forum, I took a walk. During the walk, I was able to come up with a list of the things I want to remember – especially during the times when I’m suffering. My list:

    1. Make it a point to take in the good – I learned this from Rick Hanson. The single most valuable practice I’ve ever had.
    2. Everything is impermanent.
    3. Practice gratitude – list 5 things I’m grateful for
    4. Let go of needing to know and control situations – trust that things are as they are supposed to be.
    5. What I see is what I am (or believe). My reality is only my perception and beliefs.
    6. I am in control of my life (contradicts lesson 4, but it is something new that I’m practicing to help me to stop blaming others or feeling less-than)
    7. Be kind to myself and others – everyone wants to be loved and accepted. ** Very hard for me to do
    8. There is nothing else but the present moment.

    It’s funny how big perception is in all of this.

    Thanks again for your wisdom, Erik!

    January 25, 2014 at 9:14 pm #49733
    sandy
    Participant

    Erik,

    I forgot to add that a lot of the reasoning for wanting to find my core of contentment is because I’m also trying to regain an appreciation for my life independent of approval from my past partners. I realized that I was completely dependent on them for my happiness and as long as I had their approval and love, my life was good. It’s a hard thing to get over – especially learning to be happy with the love and approval of friends (or even just the love and approval of myself). It’s probably the toughest practice in my life. So I need to add that to my list somehow… appreciating the love and joy that I get from everything and everyone, not just one person (so not fair for them, nor myself!).

    🙂

    January 25, 2014 at 11:23 pm #49738
    Erik
    Participant

    Glad I could help. If you can learn to really love yourself than any one worth having will love you also. If you don’t respect and love yourself it will be hard for others to-even if they want to.

    January 25, 2014 at 11:52 pm #49740
    sandy
    Participant

    That’s absolutely true, Erik. I hope that in finding my core of contentment I will concurrently build up my self love.

    January 26, 2014 at 9:54 am #49754
    Karla Beatty
    Participant

    Hi Sandy,
    I think everyone has ups and downs no matter how capable they are of finding their contentment. Probably no one can give you the answer for yourself. For me, I work at following my joy. When I get off track, sometimes I use a phrase or a mantra and that’s enough to get me back in the flow. Sometimes it’s as simple as reminding myself, “Life is Good.” Sometimes I use my own favorite phrase which is “Follow Your Joy,” to help me get back to those important acts and thoughts that bring me to happiness. When I have a long-term “down” going on I do this. In my chest area I try to make it feel warm and tingly. Then I think about someone, any one, that I truly love. It might be like my niece, or my sister, so that I get in tune with the feelings of love. Then, and this is important, I try to project those feelings of warmth from the heart area on out into the world. This has always been my strongest, most successful way of allowing the happiness to then flow back inside my core.

    Hope this helps!
    O, Sweet Nature
    http://www.simpletens.com

    January 26, 2014 at 11:17 am #49760
    sandy
    Participant

    Thanks, Karla, it does help. I like the idea of cultivating a feeling and then projecting it out into the world. I will try that now. 🙂

    January 27, 2014 at 6:03 am #49796
    ElisabethIII
    Participant

    What Erik has written pretty well sums it up and I don’t think I could explain it any better. I can relate on a very personal level. I had a “melt-down” only a couple of hours ago (I have since written an email to apologise) and sometimes it is so difficult to snap yourself back to where you feel you “should” be or at least really wish to be. When that happens I use the following as an affirmation…..”there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” Now this sounds simple and it is….NOT but it is worth the effort.

    We are all on the journey; we fall and get up again, time after time. Often it feels like we are having to do it alone and that is largely true, each of us must walk the path but we do not have to walk it alone. Luckily we have each other to turn to. Anonymous yet connected. What a blessing.

    Blessings and peace
    Elisabeth

    February 21, 2014 at 10:22 pm #51530
    sandy
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing that, Elisabeth. I’m grateful that I have you and others on Tiny Buddha to walk the path with. I’m going through a particularly rough patch in my life – been sad and grieving for almost a year now. I go through huge growth spurts with self-discovery – something that is so important to me, but I can’t help but wonder about the regular bouts I have of grieving. They always seem to be the same and I feel like I’m back at the start again and it takes A LOT to get back to my non-suffering self.

    I wonder if some people go on like this for their whole lives.

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