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First love.

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #179187

    NightFlower
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I had not spoken for about a week, a huge difference from our usual everyday. I got a feeling he was working up for a breakup. I was right. We talked it out calmly and he admitted “he doesn’t love himself when he’s with me”. This is a bit hurtful because before our relationship issue, he was and is still going through a life crisis of hating his job, wanting to travel, change his life and seems like he’s blaming all the depression on me. He said he didn’t feel this way until recently, maybe feeling guilty for turning off communication and effort while he’s suffering from himself? Because he mentioned i’m the most selfless, caring and thoughtful person he’s ever known. Two weeks from now we had planned a “us weekend”. I asked him if he still wanted to spend time before he left the country for 3 weeks since my event tickets are non-refundable and was intended for him. I personally needed closure and just wanted to see, feel and say bye to him since this was all through the phone. He mentioned “I think it’s best I’m alone right now because I don’t want to lose my judgement at the heat of the moment”. Makes me wonder is it lust? Or him fighting love. We’re going to try to rekindle our friendship once we are ready because we truly do care very much for each other and believe we’re soul mates, maybe not as lovers but for sure as friends. I ultimately wish for him to be happy, even without me. I’ve never met someone whom I had such unconditional love for and felt such a strong connection with. I told him I needed to know if he still loves me, he kept saying things like “i have a strong love for you”, “i love who you are” but he refused to tell me if he still loved me or not. He said “you don’t just love someone and it goes away tomorrow, is no what you want to hear?”. I told him I needed to hear the truth in order to move on and understand what exactly we both feel. It being a yes or a no, I will be trying to move on. Eventually he said “I don’t love you like I use to and I’m unsure why, I’m not sure what I want or how i feel..I’m lost, maybe I’ll regret this one day.” Maybe it’s just me in denial, but I think it’s his whole subconscious, don’t-rely-on-anyone complex where he doesn’t accept love because he doesn’t think he deserves it and is scared of becoming too comfortable, fearing one day he’ll lose it from his childhood trauma. He was just saying last week how much he loves me, and thankful for me and everything I do! He was so affectionate and we spent quality connecting time. I never mentioned these thoughts I was thinking, listened and tried to communicate with him without negative tones. He mentions he needs to do certain things on his own like travel and maybe move back to his previous city, across the country. He told me countlessly he hates it there and moving here was the best thing he’s done for himself so I’m confused, maybe he just misses all his best friends. I can’t help but over-think about this, especially since it’s fresh. In my heart, I feel like he still loves me very much and part of me thinks this isn’t the end for us romantically. Again, I don’t plan on waiting on him. I believe we have multiple soulmates, we meet everyone at a certain time always with reason. This includes friends, family and relationships. Sometimes timing, life stage, etc just doesn’t line up. What do you think of all of this? What advice can you give to me to help myself grow and stay positive, I don’t want to turn bitter on love. Am I crazy for thinking all of this and just making excuses? How do you let go of your plans and visions of spending your whole life with someone. This is the first time I’ve felt so strongly about someone. I’m in mourning, I feel empty with the thought of him moving so far away. This is so sudden, less than a months ago, for the years we’ve been together been absolutely perfect and we were so good together.

    #179209

    anita
    Participant

    Dear NightFlower:

    Having read your current and previous threads about this relationship. First a few of your quotes then my input:

    You wrote today: “he admitted ‘he doesn’t love himself when he’s with me”.

    Sept 7: “We recently had this fight again and this time he said he sometimes thinks he’s better  off  on his own because he doesn’t want  to hurt  me  anymore… the arguments just make him feel worse because he starts beating himself  up for ‘not changing and hurting me'”

    You wrote today: “he mentioned i’m the most selfless, caring and  thoughtful person he’s ever known”. Nov 16 you wrote: “He said I have done nothing wrong and I’m nothing more than wonderful to him. That his distance and needing space has nothing to do with me”.

    My input:  during the relationship you repeatedly pointed  out to him how he was hurting your feelings, how insensitive or not-empathetic he is to you. Repeatedly he apologized. Over time, in the relationship with you, his distress increased and his mental health suffered. And so,  he   is  indeed better of by  himself.

    anita

     

    #179213

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi NightFlower,

    When people are vague, it’s best to not press further. You were all “But do you love me, yes or no?” and that put him on the spot. How awful, to say, “No, I don’t love you” to someone’s face! This has nothing to do with soulmates, or childhood traumas, this guy was just trying to break up with you in the gentlest way possible.

    Ironically, if you want him back, the best way to do that now is to stop badgering him! Let him know (when HE talks to you, not when you track him down) that you will always care about him and are now dating other people. Say this in the gentlest tone, as if you are breaking up with him. He might (maybe!) suddenly wise up and realize that HE is losing YOU.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

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