I’m a divorced father of 3 girls (shared custody). I have dealt with many, many of the issues surrounding my divorce and ex wife’s infidelity and the affair partner living in my old home with my kids 50% of the time. That is all very hard but also very much in the past.

The issue I’m ruminating on is my ability (or lack thereof) to manage a new relationship. I am 4 years separated and 2 years divorced so I’m getting used to living alone, coparenting, a new career, etc. I have been dating a girl (broke up once) for a year and a half. We broke up the first time because it was getting too serious and intense for me with respect to her wanting to move in, get married, and have kids. Philosophically, I would like to be married again but I’m don’t really want more kids although I am somewhat open to it. We discussed these issues but it got to the point about a year ago where we ended it because I told her I wasn’t ready for those things although I thought I would be.

We got back together about six months ago because I initiated ‘another chance’. We were both pretty miserable and discussed getting back together for a month. We read ‘before we say I do’ together and thoroughly discussed the issues we thought were important. At the time, I was more open to moving ahead toward marriage etc. but I see now that either I’m moving too slowly for her because I am not ready and she is very much ready.

I don’t know how to resolve this issue. She has many of the qualities I seek in a partner except for her wanting to have kids (she has none but has been divorced). I’m 42, she’s 33.

I keep coming back to not being able to determine, for myself, if this is something I REALLY want, or if it is something I don’t, or whether I just need more time to heal from my past. When I ask myself I like being with her and, again, she has most of the qualities I need and want but I don’t feel like I love her enough, in the same way, or in the way she needs me to. I can’t tell if that’s because i just don’t or if I am still healing from my divorce. I really can’t tell.

We don’t live together or sleep over but otherwise have integrated our lives with my kids.

I can’t ask her to wait forever, especially since I don’t really know if I ever will be able to commit in the ways she needs but I don’t really want to break up again. Sometimes I think my inability to commit now means that it isn’t meant to be. But, again, i just don’t know. Certainly not well enough to call it quits.

I feel like it’s a ‘poop or get off the pot’ issue and can’t help but feel responsible for her feelings.

Thoughts? Thank you!