Dear Isra,

Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful post where you have worked through all your thoughts. I took the liberty of just organizing them and re posting it here to you.

Recognizing the feelings that arise as unhealthy. 

If the person I’m dating has not specifically said they still like me within the past few days, or have expressed some sort of wanting to be with me either physically or in general as part of the relationship, I begin to worry that their feelings have changed. It creeps into my thoughts slowly, beginning to point out when we haven’t been talking as much, when things slow down, and tiny moments that could be taken as the smallest evidence that he’s losing interest. It starts trying to paint this picture that I’m uninteresting and that his feelings are fading, making me have the urge to either seek reassurance by asking, or by trying to change myself in order to become more interesting.

An analysis of why they arise

I know it likely stems from past relationships, and maybe some hidden fear that I am unlovable somehow

Understanding the Possible effects 

And I know it will negatively impact my relationship if I do not change it. If this is something I have done in the past, which I know I have, I do not want to let it push me away from him

Knowing what you want and don’t want

I do not want to start feeding myself lies and bad feelings that otherwise wouldn’t exist. This is my issue that I need to work through, and I should not spend so much time continuously needing his reassurance- that’s not fair to him, or to myself, or the relationship.

But I know it makes me want to know he still cares, and makes me want to be certain he still likes me and that he won’t just disappear the next day

How to fix it

Keeping expectations reasonable

And I know I can’t expect him to express his feelings for me all the time- that’s unrealistic, and just because he hasn’t said it doesn’t mean his feelings have changed at all.

Understanding differences in expressions of affection

Aside from that, he’s also said he’s one to express himself through his actions more often, not his words. While I’ll send people heartfelt messages or letters, he’s one to send gifts or maybe physical affection- something that’s a bit more difficult, since he’s so far away. I realize now that I’ve been expecting others to express their feelings towards me in similar ways that I do for them, and that has been important for me to learn.

Looking at the positives in the relationship

He has been nothing but supportive to me when I need it. Last time I was feeling down, I didn’t tell him about it until afterwards because he hadn’t been feeling good- he blatantly told me that next time I was feeling lonely, to tell him, because he cares about me and wants to be there for me too. When I hurt my neck, he seemed genuinely distressed on FaceTime that he couldn’t be there to help me. And just yesterday when we were discussing him visiting me in my home state, I said, “I mean, only if you still want to,” and he looked me right in the eyes to tell me of course he still wanted to. He was the one who had brought it up, after all- and he told me I never had to worry about it. Then, being his humorous self, he put his purring pet cat on the camera and basically told me to listen to the cat for comfort. I was feeling very cheered up after that interaction, and the rest of the night he sent two separate texts that reminded me he liked me, including one right before bed.

I have zero reason to believe his feelings have changed, or that he doesn’t care.

… when he’s always there for me when I most need it. I know if I was ever having an extremely bad day, I could turn to him and ask for support.

I know that talking less doesn’t mean the feelings have disappeared, and we still plan on making time for each other as much as we can.

Outside of this reassurance issue, I have felt so secure with his person, and when we do talk it’s like the issue never existed to begin with.

Avoiding generalizations

I think I’m afraid of that happening again. But then that’s basically assuming that 1) all guys are capable of just disappearing 2) this guy is the same type of person as the last guy and 3) it’s always my job to keep them interested, to keep them from leaving.

Accepting all possibilities – being realistic

But the thing is… nothing I do can make someone stay who doesn’t want to. I understand this. And he really isn’t like the last guy at all. His personality is quite different.

I think this relationship is going to teach me a lot about myself… and it’s going to be up to me to become a better person with that knowledge.

I need to change my expectations, but also empower myself enough to realize that the ones worth keeping will stay of their own accord.

And I’ll have to trust that if his feelings do start to fade, and that he doesn’t want this anymore, he’ll be honest and tell me about it.

Working out the solutions reasonably

I know I won’t be able to fix it overnight, but I suppose recognizing my problem is a start. I’m going to try to be patient with myself in the process, because I know putting pressure on myself to change will only emphasize the problem. Hopefully with enough time and pointing out when I’m being unreasonable will allow me to slowly pay attention to my thoughts so they can’t affect my actions and mood as much.

I’ve had very very similar long distance relationship which ended up with she is leaving me after my insecurities and seeking reassurances started to become frustrating for her.

It’s very good you are aware of what’s going on which i also was. I knew just like you that if i keep doing this it was going to be a self sabotage but emotions doesn’t listen logic, and if you don’t know how to handle them things not gonna go so well.

You can probably relate to this. When you are feeling so great with him, having very intimate conversations suddenly that anxiety, fear called “happiness anxiety” kicks in. You start to think :

“I don’t deserve this”, or “it will never last”, or “I’m riding for a fall”,  or “what will i do when or if this relationship ends “etc.

And then you tell it to your partner to comfort you until the day that he will be sick of it… Also his comforting you will never feel enough in long term. When he is comforting you you will feel great but one day later same feelings gonna arise once again.

The main cause of both of ours problem is self esteem. It’s very wide and underestimated concept that i’ve only realized after i read and listened ” the 6 pillars of self esteem” again and again. Took very long notes from it, listened to audio book for weeks, finished reading it couple times. I’d never pay this much of attention it if such traumatic breakup wouldn’t force me to do so. It’s not comforting to practice it and it takes so much energy. It’s easier to go with the urge of seeking comfort from your partner.

What i can recommend is read that book and do the practices that it talks about.

Actually there is much more depth to it and i’d love to share my learnt experiences from such traumatic event to prevent happening to you as well. I see you are also very attached which will hurt you so much if anything bad happens ( funny enough it hurts even without anything happens ) and it will start to repel your partner away. Don’t start to panic, you’ll be fine as long as you are aware of your patterns and spend the energy to reverse them and meanwhile when you are fixing your self esteem you need to do releases of emotions that hurt you so much in past without suppressing, expressing to someone or distracting yourself. They are still running under your subconscious and you have to empty the reservoir of the insecurity emotions, let go of all of them. ( Also read this book it might save your relationship : David R. Hawkins-Letting Go The Pathway of Surrender )

Contact with me if you’d like some support and guide that i’ve never had  at the time.

Dear Isra,

Great to hear about the efforts that you are putting in. What you have outlined is some of the tools that are used in cognitive behavioural therapy. Further reading on articles related to that will further help you in refining your process.

best wishes

Take care.