For those who broke up recently, some tips for you

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This topic has 76 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 25, 2016 at 10:05 pm #102758

Brav3
Participant

Here’s my story guys,

My ex Gf broke up with me after 2.5 years of loving relationship. The reason that she gave me ” We aren’t compatible”, I am still trying to understand after 3 months of breakup. Whereas, she is cruising along, I am still going through grief, sadness, anger, loneliness, betrayal, low self esteem, self doubt, confusion, loss and many other emotions. Its been 3 months and I still cry. To make things worse, she works at my workplace 🙂

Here something I have learnt so far.

1. No contact rule with your ex is utmost important if you want this emotion cycle to end ever. Please, whatever you do, never ever, call, text or talk, go on social media. If you have common friends, don’t talk about her/ him. I broke up this rule only once and still felt quite alot. Please, never break this rule. Nothing to figure out.

2. Grief period is different for everyone and it will be longer if you really loved someone. I was fully committed to her and after 3 months, I am still grieving ( intensive in night or early morning). If someone tells you to move on, don’t listen and take your time.

3. Painful memories come and go. So as thoughts, or past hopes, or shared dreams that you had with her/him. Don’t suppress them, don’t act out. Let it be and feel it. Cry if you want but don’t run and don’t ever go back to your ex asking questions about it.

4. Be compassionate to yourself. I know the judging mind will continue to torment, does to me everyday. Thoughts like ‘If I would have been more better at this or that’ are fallacy. Yes, we all mistakes but the truth is you always did what you possible could throughout your time with her/him. There’s a very nice article on Tinybuddha by Tom Baxter. Please read that.

5. Do meditation and read books on Buddhist psychology. I know it might sounds boring, but it is the only thing in this world that has helped me. I am still suffering but I can see the light on the other side. I tried talking to friends, therapist etc. But when you are alone by yourself, no one to be with you, your mind will start tormenting you and all emotions will take you for ride. You can run but you can’t hide from something that is coming out from within you. Find way to be with, what is.

6. Don’t jump into another relationship before finishing with your grief. Please don’t go into another relationship, just because your lonely. You have to go through this journey whether you like it or not. I suffer from loneliness problem since I was kid. Its been intense since she abandoned me, I feel it everyday and it is struggle for me at time but I’ve decided to be alone for some unknown amount of time.

P.S. I am one of you, I send you my compassion and relief.

April 25, 2016 at 10:41 pm #102759

Brav3
Participant

One more important thing.

Do not numb your self with mind altering things and that includes drinks, drugs, prolonged TV, over working, over exercising, getting busy all day with things etc. I am sorry to say but you have to feel this ( I am feeling it everyday) and let it pass through you, with time it will settle. Running from it will make it prolong. Going through a loss is a process. The only way out is through.

Remember, I am one of you, so feel free to ask me anything. I will do my best to help you with this journey.

April 26, 2016 at 7:34 am #102778

Anonymous
Inactive

Brav, bravo for your post. I agree with every single line you’ve written. I have also been through a break up (long process that began in november and ended in February) and just now I’ve started to feel better. But I’ve had to acknowledge everything I was feeling and was going through. Indeed, we are not alone and I also send you my compassion and relief. There is light at the end of tunnel, I can guarantee that because I can see it and I am almost there 🙂
Feel free to ask me anything as well. We are on the same journey.

April 26, 2016 at 2:47 pm #102807
Brav3
Participant
Hi Cath,
I struggle in morning or nights when I have all those painful memories of her. How do you deal with it?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Brav3.
April 26, 2016 at 7:05 pm #102850

Anonymous
Inactive

Hey Brav,
Yeah usually nights and mornings are the worse – in my case, we were doing long distance for our last months so I had the habit of expecting messages at these times… a good morning, and then logging onto the computer home… I’m doing a lot better though. Thinking a lot less than I used to somehow.
Also sometimes I miss the intimacy itself and am afraid of not having anything similar with anyone else you know? Like even the smaller things such as how we liked to cuddle each other.
But my case was quite tragic and we had a terrible ending..he proved himself to be a terrible person anyway. But…as in every relationship, there were good things, and how we get to build these good things with people…
But since you asked how do i deal with it:
I’ve been through a 40 day sadhana which was a major clean up. Meditating with mantras everyday for 40 days. Also, working out and yoga every night. These were by far the things that helped me most – especially as I do them at night which is usually the worst part of the day for me. So literally distracting yourself and filling up the void with other stuff I guess.

April 26, 2016 at 7:46 pm #102858

Brav3
Participant

Thanks for your reply Cath.

The smaller things or big moments with her, everything hurts. My memories of travelling with her and my family are the worst.

She abandoned me but still continue to be in my life as co worker. Although, I don’t see her regularly but when I do, its like salt rubbing on a wound. It’s like ‘here is the girl who said those things to me and I started to care for her and then she walked all over me.

Another big problem is “If I should have done this or that better” thoughts. The fact is I did everything possible I could and I can’t control others but still my minds wants to torment me.

Sometimes it is slightly easier to sit with pain, sometimes I fall flat.

April 26, 2016 at 8:02 pm #102866

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brav3:

Welcome back! Excellent thread, your original posts (2) – excellent. But like you wrote last, sometimes you fall flat.

Last month (the other thread) you wrote: ” I actually vowed that I will not put my self esteem in jeopardy again by ignoring my wants and my needs so to be in a relationship. I also promised that I continue to stand up for myself and will take full responsibility for my well being.” And you have. Please continue.

When you have the “if I..” thoughts, consider them like an itch in the brain, if you can, and as hard as it will be, don’t scratch that itching by ruminating. Distract.

And when you fall flat otherwise, take a hot bath (do men take hot baths?) or listen to relaxing music or call it a day and look forward to the next day, hoping it will be better.

anita

April 26, 2016 at 9:24 pm #102879

Brav3
Participant

Dear Anita,

Your words are always helpful to me. Thank you for writing.

I saw so many people going through this and I feel compassion for them. So I thought maybe I should write for them. Maybe someone will read those posts and feel slightly relief in their suffering.

I have been working on sitting with my pain and it is a very difficult to do. Sometimes, I feel like I am getting there and I can bear this, sometimes I am riding the wave and falling flat on my face. That itch is so hard to ignore that my habitual reactions kicks in. Then comes the worry about future. Thoughts like ‘I was meant to be somewhere by this 31st year of my life and I am falling behind, I should be doing something about it’. Then comes the worry of repeating of this event in future.

Distraction doesn’t help. My thoughts and feeling will continue to exists for some time. I have no choice but to bear this. Its just that its so slow……..

Brav3

April 27, 2016 at 6:39 am #102884
mang313
Participant
I feel your pain and I am hoping I can get some help, I feel like I am slowly dying. I divorced 3 years ago, met who I thought was my soul mate and fell so hard in love with her and she did with me. After a year we moved in together, got engaged, started making plans, etc.Yes we had our issues like any couple but nothing insurmountable. She drank a bit much but I got her to get to the point where it wasn’t affecting us. My biggest thing was not communicating well on big topics. Something I always struggled with but was working on. Therapy, self help, got diagnosed a month ago at age 45 w/ ADHD which my psyc. told me can inhibit communication so I at least had a genuine reason for my issue but again was working very hard at it because there is nothing I would not have done for her, she was my world, my everything. I still feel that way, she is thee most incredible person I have ever known. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage and she was and still is amazing to them. They adore her and vice versa. Just thought it would be she and I until death, I thought we were perfect or as close to it as 2 people can be. She is a very complex person and about a year ago the communication problem started to really affect her and she started on anti-depressants. I thought it was a bit much but I supported it. Whatever she needs. She is from Wisc. and we live in Illinois so she does not get to see family or friends often so in Feb. she told me an old friend is going through a divorce and he is going on a road trip to see some old friends including her. They have been friends and never anything more for about 13 years. I said ok, cool. On 3/29 she told me she needs a break. Needs to get back to who she was, socializing ( she is very social) focus on her new job ( executive), and just focus on herself. In her defense, she really did put everything on hold for me and my kids to make sure we were all ok after my divorce. So as much as it hurt I said ok. You do that and I will work on myself. She said the door is not closed to me, she does not want to be in ANY relationship right now, she is not looking to replace me, etc. We still live together too, still friends, still a little bit intimate so far although that may change, more on that in a minute. So I have been working very hard on me, found a lot of “demons” from my childhood and have been able to purge them. I personally am feeling pretty good but at the same time dying w/out her being mine. Well, this week, she is on a cruise w/ her brother and I think there is more than just friendship at this point w/ the old friend. Its my gut feeling and I am hardly ever wrong.They have been in touch ALOT since he visited, and I think sneaking around. Now, again, we are technically broken up so I guess its not sneaking but it kind of is because she isn’t telling me that it’s more than friendship. Even though she says we still have a chance, I feel I am losing her to him. Please help me, I am dying and I don’t know what to do with any of this. Should I continue to fight for her? Should I move on somehow? I cant afford to live on my own, my kids live with us, they just went through the divorce with me and their mom. Damn, how could she do this to us? I am so hurt and sad. I have no one to talk to, all my friends and family abandoned me during my divorce. 🙁
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by mang313.
April 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm #102954

Brav3
Participant

Hi Rickmangler,

Sorry, to reply so late, I am in different part of the word.

I feel your pain brother, you remind me of myself, what I was like in Dec- Jan ( 2016).I was in a similar situation. I am going to be very honest and tell you the truth. Gut feelings are always right. Mine was and I continued to ignored it for a long time, because she said some assuring words to me and I believed, even though my gut feelings were flashing red lights inside me.

I know what it feels like when you are doing everything you can and still seeing the person you loved most slowly moving away from you, oh yeah, I know it very well. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t enjoy things that I usually enjoy.It is the worst feeling in this world and it makes you feel that you are dying.

What I want you to understand first, is that you aren’t losing her to him ( whether it is actually happening or not). She has chosen or thinking to go a different path from yours. I am sorry to say but that’s what happened to me.

Now, how to deal with this. First, you have to learn to stop blaming yourself for this ( very hard thing to do, again takes some time). Brother,the way you wrote about her, I can clearly see that you really love her and will do anything for her. But the truth is people, situations and this world continues to change, whether we like it or not. There’s gain and loss, pleasure and pain. I am going through huge grief, sadness, loneliness, anger and loss after loving 2.5 years of my life.

Secondly, yes it feels like dying. But you have to stand up and face your sorrows, pain and sadness, for yourself and for your kids as well. And that means you have to accept the situation and be ready to let go. It take huge courage to do that, and we all have that courage in us. To learn this, how to deal with difficult emotions, read books in Buddhist psychology ( when everything falls apart and 10% happier, to start with). Remember, you can’t run from this pain, you have no choice, no one in this world has choice and this Buddhist psychology knowledge won’t alleviate your pain, they will mitigate it. The only way out is through. I cry every morning and night, sometimes during the day. My pain hasn’t gone at all but I understand my difficult emotions alot better now.

Thirdly, work on acceptance and let go. Again, something very difficult to do when someone hurt you or there is betrayal. This will come with time.

For now, you need to work out your living arrangements with her and prepare yourself for this journey. I am with you and so as many people going through the same situation, do not feel you are in this by yourself. You can go through this, you can. We all are going through this.

Make new friends but signing up for new activties, I know , the last thing you want to do in this world but you have to start somewhere.

April 27, 2016 at 4:38 pm #102955

Brav3
Participant

Rickmangler

please read this.

Moving from Heartbreak to Happiness: How to Work Through the Pain

April 27, 2016 at 5:26 pm #102962

Anonymous
Inactive

Guys, just sharing more experience here.
Indeed relief came to me when I allowed myself through the pain. Also, the day I forgave myself I started smiling back again (I was the one who initially broke up with him – when my gut feelings were screaming quite loud that he was wrong for me – but after that i was severely manipulated, and then regretted, and then he didn’t want me back, etc).
Also, the real bad pain just goes away from one day to another.. All of a sudden. So hang in there and cry as much as you want.
I won’t say I’m a 100%- next week I’ll have to travel to the city where he lives and where we both used to live together and this has been bringing me back bad feelings. i was resisting but realized i shouldn’t. if i feel like crying i will and whatever. i’m strong and resilient and I’ve progressed!

April 27, 2016 at 5:29 pm #102963

Anonymous
Inactive

I recommend this as well:

How to Hold a Broken Heart (So You Can Get Through It)

April 27, 2016 at 5:41 pm #102965

Brav3
Participant

Cath,

I live in a small town where there’s no place left for me to go. Every site/ place reminds me of her. To make things more hard she works in a different building at same workplace, there’s constant fear of seeing her and feeling shit throughout the day.

Yesterday, she wrote an email to me asking for my signature for rental bond. And I was back to square one, riding to emotional roller coaster ride. Went to volleyball which stopped ( as usual numbing pain won’t help) feeling bad but as soon as returned home, off to another ride. Then, so many dreams in night. And I am back to okay this morning.

To be with what is, so hard to do. Even though, I know intellectually it is the only thing I can do in this situation. Emotionally I am still falling flat. I don’t think I will come out unscathed from this.

April 27, 2016 at 5:47 pm #102966

Anonymous
Inactive

Brav we will have scars for sure. But honestly – i’m learning something so valuable right now, and something that I struggled everyday while i was in that relationship: self-love. I had no idea what it was before. So if this breakup, as tragic and harmful as it was came to my life to teach me this… I have to be grateful. He manipulated me to a point that I have developed panic attacks and anxiety – I’m still on meds, btw. But okay. I’ll have to accept this fact and also, this just proves me how wrong and harmful he was to me. And here I am, becoming me, trying to find out who I am and finding out real self-love.
It’s a painful journey but bringing out good stuff out of it.
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