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Forever a failure and alone

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  • #407854
    Jess
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have never wrote anything about myself online, but these days I can’t help but feeling like a useless person with no one at all.

    I don’t really have a good childhood, my father was a drug addict and he’s only around like twice a year and whenever he did, he’d only yell and cursed us all the time. My mother was always working and she’d always compare me to any kids she thought better, that’s a habit she still unconsiously does until now. At one point around 18 years old, we were bankrupt, my father ran off with a huge debt on our shoulder and we were kicked out of the house with just some clothes. After that we move to another city and start anew there, I went away a year before my mother, my father would always find a way to text me threatening messages of how he will find me and such. I was always afraid at that time, afraid that I will run into him and always looking on my back when walking, I guess that causes me anxiety that stays till now. After 2 more years, my mother told me that he was dead, and at that time I just remembered feeling numb, I didn’t even go to his funeral.

     

    My mother remarried again after that to a guy that I thought was good. As time goes, he wasn’t as caring as I thought he was and they ended up divorcing a year before the pandemic, and we got kicked out of his house again. Pandemic hit us hard, our financial was bad and I had to help my mum as much as I can. I felt like I was never good enough. My work was really tough, and I had a lot on my plate. I wasn’t paid equal to my workload and that made me feel like a big failure, and I can tell that my mother was disappointed in me for not making more money. I can’t keep a relationship as well, my last ex cheated on me and dumped me just like that one day, and I had no friends either, most of them got married and move on with their lives while I’m forever stuck in the same loop on my own. At this point, I’m always depressed about life and scared everyday that I will die alone as a failure…

    #407867
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    Our life stories are similar in some ways. The first thing that got my attention is this similarity: “My mother was always working and she’s always compare me to any kids she thought better“- I can’t tell you how devastating it was for me. I felt sorry for my mother for working so hard physically and for being so miserable, and I wanted to help her… but she never appreciated my efforts to help and compared me unfavorably to other children: how useful they were, how helpful they were, how proud they made their mothers… It broke my little heart.

    I can’t help but feeling like a useless person with no one at all… I felt like I was never good enough“- this is how I felt as a child and most of my adult life: useless very alone and never good enough.

    my father was a drug addict and he’s only around like twice a year and whenever he did, he’d only yell and cursed us all the time“- here we have some similarity and some differences: my father was addicted to other women, my mother divorced him when I was five or so and he used to visit quite regularly (a couple of times a month for a while, something like that), but when he visited the whole time my mother was talking with him and I just sat there, not saying anything.

    my father ran off with a huge debt on our shoulder and we were kicked out of the house“- my father didn’t pay spousal or child support but he didn’t run off with a debt either. With no financial help from him, my mother worked very, very hard.

    my father would always find a way to text me threatening messages of how he will find me and such. I was always afraid at that time, afraid that I will run into him and always looking on my back when walking, I guess that causes me anxiety that stays till now“- it was my mother who threatened me, and I was afraid of her. It caused me anxiety that stays till now. I had no choice but to run into her because I lived with her. I say lived, but fear sucked the joy out of living and all that remained was existing. Daydreaming, when my mother was out working and I was alone, about a different kind of life helped me survive.

    I didn’t even go to his funeral“- I didn’t go to my father’s funeral.

    I wasn’t paid equal to my workload and that made me feel like a big failure, and I can tell that my mother was disappointed in me for not making more money.. my last ex cheated on me and dumped me just like that one day“- it would have helped so much if your mother was appreciative and proud of you for working hard. The external reality (the employment context and romantic relationships context) would have felt not as bad (and you would have recovered much quicker) if your childhood and ongoing internal reality (your mother’s attitudes) was positive and supportive.

    I’m forever stuck in the same loop on my own. At this point, I’m always depressed about life and scared every day that I will die alone as a failure“-  I too was forever stuck, often depressed and anxious. But the good news: I will  not die a failure… just as I wasn’t born a failure.

    I was not born a failure even though I was not born with a bag of money tied to my little body, or with an educational certificate or with a job promise. Similarly, I will not die a failure for not leaving behind money or educational certificates that I didn’t earn, or jobs that I didn’t have.

    I would like to talk with you more about not living or dying a failure.

    anita

    #407886
    Jess
    Participant

     “I will  not die a failure… just as I wasn’t born a failure.” How do you know that? when everything that I tried hard to do or accomplish seems never good enough.. and this anxiety haunts me for so long, that I can get into panic attack  over the smallest thing or mistake

    #407900
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    Failure, definition: a state of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, viewed as the opposite of success.

    When I wrote “I wasn’t born a failure“, I mean that I was too young and helpless, as a newborn, to think about objectives, let along achieve cognitively formed objectives. When I wrote “I will not die a failure“, I mean that I already achieved my objectives, and therefore, I am not a failure and I will not die a failure.

    Growing up and through my 20s & some of my 30s, I formed the following objectives: to be rich and famous, so that I can make my mother rich and happy.

    I failed.

    In the last ten years or  so, I formed a new objective: to learn and to heal, and to continue to learn and to heal for as long as I am alive,  and…  I succeeded. Sucess for me!!!

    anita

     

    #408105
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Jess?

    anita

    #408294
    iamone
    Participant

    I’m so sorry, Jess. You are amazingly strong to endure such difficult times! The fact that you shared your story shows you have outlasted all the bad done to you and risen above it. Don’t give up. What has happened to you is not YOU at all. I hope things get better for you and that you recognize your own value and strength.

    #408298
    Guy
    Participant

    Jess.  Quite often the people putting us down or holding us back do so because they measure the success in THEIR life against ours.  They will do everything in their power to make us feel incapable and small because if we grow, or reach our goals, all that is left for them to do is look in the mirror.  It isn’t uncommon for these people to also be our parents.

    If they’re going out of their way to make you feel small it’s because they recognize you aren’t.  They’re terrified you’ll discover that your stronger than they are.  You are.  You got a raw deal with Ma and Pa but you got them for a reason.  Maybe you’re the one who breaks the family history your dad perpetuated.  Maybe you’re stronger than he was and can do the things he couldn’t do to change.  Maybe when you admit that to yourself you can forgive him and let him rest in peace.  Who knows?  I’m quite certain that your life is harder than some others because you’re the one out of all your friends and family uniquely equipped to handle the hardships.  That isn’t a failing of anything.  It’s a tremendous honor.  You can enter the darkness most people spend their lives hoping to avoid.  You can harvest the insights hidden in the depths and share them with those who will benefit from them but could not reach on their own.

    Try this.  Anytime someone says something untrue or bad about you say yes to it.  Say yes whether you did it or didn’t, whether it’s true or false.  When people see they can’t shame you or influence how you see yourself they’ll stop.  And you’ll discover that there is nothing you’ve done or will do to feel ashamed of.  And start talking to God, whatever you consider that to be.  You’re not alone.  You never have been. Walk ten minutes everyday and ask “Why me?”  I guarantee you’ll get an answer that you neverexpected.

    #408575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess: It’s been 2 weeks since you posted last. I hope that you are feeling better, no longer… forever a failure and alone!

    anita

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