May 25, 2013 at 8:05 am #36092
I’ve read quite a few of the forums and forgiveness and acceptance is roundly talked about.
Recently my girlfriend who I had invested all of my time, love and emotions abrubtly and callously called the whole thing off without warning. She blamed the whole thing on my ‘lack of happiness in the myself’. She accepts no responsibility for what happened (sighting me as the problem), or her callous behaviour. Despite 2 emails from myself (both reasonable) and one phone call she has walked away completely. So intense contact is now reduced to nothing, and I left to work through this.
How do we square this circle, forgiveness is hard when you are badly humiliated by someone you trusted and loved, and who accepts no responsibility for ther actions. I find that women often deflect blame in this way, I find that disingenous at best, and it makes me cynical of the female race, who take feelings and emotions in then decide they can toss them away at will. I believed her to be a good upstanding person, now I have my doubts.May 26, 2013 at 3:30 pm #36135
Forgiveness is about understanding that none is perfect. First step is to admit that you are not perfect, and that other people may perceive you in a way that you yourself don’t see yourself. In your particular case, it sounds like you are not willing to listen to your girlfriend’s opinion about you and your behaviour. The fact is that even if you don’t agree with her, and even if she is not telling you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that she does not see you as a suitable partner for her right now. If you were in a relationship with someone and suddenly felt that you no longer belong with them, what would you do? Maybe you would handle it in another way, but ultimately you either would end that relationship or stay with them to be unhappy ever after…
So, if you want to forgive her, realize that she owes you nothing. You owe her nothing. But you both owe yourselves to be happy. So, if you want her to be happy, let her do what she need to do. And let’s say you could wake up tomorrow and, magically, everything is perfect, and you feel happy. What would be different about that day? What would you be doing, who would you be talking to and about what?May 26, 2013 at 4:54 pm #36137
From the sounds of your post, there’s a lot of pain, anger, and frustration, but I’m wondering if it’s being set aside because you’re very quick to move to forgiveness and acceptance. If I was going to take a guess, I would say that you see yourself as a very good-natured person, down to earth, and maybe even shy away from anger and blame when others have said something that upsets you because you want to rise above those emotions.
Acceptance and forgiveness are noble goals, but not if it means we don’t allow ourselves to experience the full spectrum of emotions that come before it. Like you, when I’ve been accused or criticized of being one thing or another, I wouldn’t get angry, I wouldn’t get upset, I’d rationally think about it, and maybe even try to communicate with the other person in a calm and constructive manner to prove them they’re wrong.
For whatever reason (it actually doesn’t really matter what exact words she used or what she accused you of being), she has decided to reject you and you every right to feel rejected.
Take a moment to observe your body and notice the tension in your chest and other parts. Breath your feelings in and not away or aside. Make space for them. Let them engulf you and pass over you like a wave. If you resist, your mind and body will continue to be the rocks against which the waves will painfully crash.
Also, be weary of the stories that your mind is telling you and over-generalization is the oldest plot line in the book. Thoughts like “women often deflect blame” and “[women] take feelings and emotions in then decide they can toss them away at will” is your mind playing tricks on you. Recognize them for what they are, stories that your mind makes up to distract you from the task at hand; feeling your feelings about the current situation.
It’s too bad that words are all we have to express ourselves, but if we remember they’re just words and it’s really the emotions behind them that are key, we can tap into a more objective sense of reality and not get bogged down by “I said”, “she said”, “I think”, “she thinks”, “I should have”, “she should have”, which is just circular argument and takes us no where.
You’ll get to acceptance and forgiveness, but not without distance, time, tears, sadness, anger, and heartache. Don’t try to avoid it.May 27, 2013 at 2:54 am #36145
“You are not willing to listen to your girlfriends opinion of your behaviour”
This is a judgement that you are making Alexey of me (do you know me?) and that the blame lies with me only, and that she has done nothing wrong, nor needs to account for her actions. Let alone lovers and close friends, when you crudely reject someone some basic manners are required. She has acted without honour, and she will need to live with that.
I agree with Peter, that we need to move through earlier stages of anger. It’s been 3 weeks now and I have almost got through the pain, tears, anger. Thus the post and progression to acceptance and forgiveness which I am bridging.
Intellectually we understand what to do as humans, but the power of emotions is such that it’s easier said than done.May 27, 2013 at 10:58 am #36156
How is it, Dave, that you focus so much on “judgement” and misquote me, instead of listening to what I am saying 🙂 I specifically stated “In your particular case, it sounds like”. I made that conclusion based on your specific words “She blamed the whole thing on my ‘lack of happiness in the myself’. She accepts no responsibility for what happened (sighting me as the problem), or her callous behaviour.”
So, now you know, I was not judging you. Just your words 🙂
Do you often focus on specific words when you communicate with people instead of listening to the entire thing? Or are you only doing it because you are angry right now 🙂
May 27, 2013 at 11:44 am #36158
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Alexey Sunly.
Hi Dave… I could not believe my eyes when I read your post. This exact same thing happened to me 4 months ago (except I am a woman and his name( ironically enough) is Dave!! After 7 months of intense communication every day and much investment emotionally on both sides.. he ended it really abruptly and with such coldness I was rendered speechless. And like yourself.. I emailed him sporadically to say what I should have said the night he did it.. but to no avail.. he closed down… and wanted absolutely no more communication with me. Like you I felt (and still do but not as intensely) utterly shattered. It felt like I had been in a car crash and left for dead.
Anyway. Forgiveness and letting it all go became my quest and I so absolutely understand where you are right now.
What has helped me enormously Dave has been the Work of Byron Katie. I am not sure if you have heard of it but I urge you, if you haven’t, to look it up. She has a website and has written an amazing book called Loving What Is. Her method is based on 4 questions which she urges you to answer but in writing it down. It truly works Dave. Please try it. It has helped me to actually even love him without anger and bitterness which was eating me up for so long. Of course I have bad days and I still wonder ‘why’ from time to time but I also know now that it won’t change a thing. All I can change is how I look at this and that is what makes the difference. I really hope you try it out and maybe even let me know how it goes for you.
AnniMay 27, 2013 at 11:49 am #36159
PS What Peter wrote is absolutely true too…. we must accept the fullness of each emotion as it comes to us and not be afraid of it. And the Work I speak of does not for a minute suggest you deny any of your feelings.. they must be listened to, acknowledged, felt and let go…and as you are still in the early stages, you will pass through many..May 27, 2013 at 12:46 pm #36160
I will check it out the book many thanks. There was a lot of investment in the relationship from both of us, and a lot of honest communication I believed so why just walk away without any proper explanation / closure ? Instead they close down.
This is callous, and needless so I am having to work through this, and thus forgiveness and acceptance is the end game. When someone leaves you like this it really does feel like someone has died.
As for Alexey’s comments, I’m always suspicious of anyone who feels the need to use several 🙂 annotations in one post to back up a flailing argument.
DaveMay 27, 2013 at 1:43 pm #36161
Haha 🙂 You are entitled to feel whatever you wish, Dave 🙂 But you haven’t answered any of my questions, have you 🙂May 28, 2013 at 7:30 am #36182
What are your questions exactly ??!!! You have not asked any questions (in english), if you had some constructive questions I might have answered them.
Let’s look at what you said, and see if there is a misquote on my part:
“First step is to admit that you are not perfect, and that other people may perceive you in a way that you yourself don’t see yourself. In your particular case, it sounds like you are not willing to listen to your girlfriend’s opinion about you and your behaviour”
So… 1st step look at yourself right?… obvious really therein lies the problem. Never mind that SHE left ME without explaining anything in a cold callous way, but lets keep going – then you say
“It sounds like you are not willing [to listen] to your girlfrinds opinion abut you and your behaviour”. Definetely no balance of the sexes thing going on there!!!! Once again, duh Dave it’s you!! Because Alexey you were there when it happened right to suggest it’s me that is the problem LOL
There in b&w. So I did not misquote you. You clearly don’t have a clue about relationships or have anything constructive to say here, merely as I said before lay blame on me. Is this normal for you?, I have seen some of your other posts and they don’t seem to gather much support.
DaveMay 28, 2013 at 2:30 pm #36203
Once again, Dave, yes, in fact, you did misquote me the first time. Do you realize a difference between “It sounds like you are not listening…” and “Once again, duh Dave it’s you!!” First statement relies on the observations made from specific words you provided which I specified to you, and second one is something your made up.
“So… 1st step look at yourself right?… obvious really therein lies the problem. Never mind that SHE left ME without explaining anything in a cold callous way”
First step is to admit that you are not perfect… You are right, Dave 🙂 What could I have been possibly thinking! Clearly, you are perfect, and that’s why your girlfriend left you… Makes sense! Being a cold and callous person, she just couldn’t handle having to compare herself to such perfect human specimen like yourself all the time 😉
So, I guess you are right. There is not much support I can provide someone like you, since I am just like your girlfriend… SO very imperfect, and so very very suspicious with all these crazy 🙂 in my posts. But here is the good news, Dave, since you are so very great and perfect, I am sure you’ll have no problem finding yourself another girlfriend, who is not at all callous and cold, and you don’t really need my support after all! Really really great news, isn’t it 😀May 29, 2013 at 7:58 am #36247
Dear oh dear Alex
I would get more sense and intelligence from a 5 year old kid. I hope for your sake you don’t have any aspirations in this industry. This post is overMay 29, 2013 at 8:25 am #36249
Haha, why, thank you for the fabulous insight, Dave 🙂 And my name is Alexey, by the way. Next time you decide to share your valuable opinion with someone, especially someone who did not ask for it, I suggest you pay attention to the person you are talking to and maybe even listen to them for a change instead of fabricating crazy stories in your head. It helps! I am sure your ex-girlfriend would have appreciated that, just like everyone else 😉May 30, 2013 at 2:16 pm #36286
Just read your post and couldn’t believe the tone. You really are a vile little man aren’t you, yet somehow you want me to take advice from you?!.
Tiny Buddha does not need your like, your other posts suggest the same. You will find that 🙂 is rarely used here for a reason – perhaps you’d be better suited to something on a teenage facebook site perhaps ?.
I have received some good incite on this post, yet for some reason you have seen fit to project some immature nonsense at me.
I had a positive discussion with the “ex” yesterday as you put it and we’re in a good place now as a matter of fact, thanks for asking!!
RIP AlexMay 31, 2013 at 9:31 am #36307
Haha! Well, let’s hope things will only get better for you from here, Dave 🙂 I know I will. But, unfortunately, I know that you will be back again and again and again, I am afraid. And your girlfriend is not going to stick for much longer than she has already before the break up, unless you change the way you interact with people and listen to them instead of attacking them.
Oh, and don’t expect me to provide you with any more attention than I already have. Next time you need help, you’ll have to to contact me in private and pay really good money for me to listen to your crazy stories, because they are not really as entertaining or insightful as you might think 😉
And, once again, my name is Alexey. But for you, specifically, it’s Mr. Sunly. Talk to you later, Dave.