Rosemary,

There is no obligation or need of the heart to engage with anyone. In fact, I feel it is our obligation to give love to ourselves first, which allows our interactions with the world to nourish the hearts of all. When we have connections with others that are problematic for us (such as close family members who are “toxic”) if we engage with them we are likely to become pulled into their mess.

Wishing them well from a distance is fantastic. Think of it as a pay it forward… as you give love by interacting with those you can remain stable with, hopefully, someday, someone who is less affected by them will have the ability to connect similarly to those toxic patterns within them and share love on your behalf. Said differently, by increasing the net loving energy of the world, you help inspire the movement toward love where you can, as you can, which with any luck will someday help them.

My teacher described it as “protecting the tender shoots of compassion”. When the shoots dig deep, and your love is strong and well rooted, maybe reaching out to them won’t uproot that compassion. Said differently, if you love them strongly enough to accept that their suffering will pull and bite at you, then maybe reaching out would be good. Otherwise, “do no harm” which includes keeping yourself away from situations that are harmful.

For instance, it was said that Buddha could stand in the path of a charging elephant and settle her without harming himself. However, for the rest of us, getting out of the way is a good idea… otherwise the elephant will suffer from trampling us, and we will suffer from being trampled.

With warmth,
Matt