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Forgiving myself is hard. I'm a closeted gay.

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  • May 26, 2014 at 5:16 am #57345
    Niam
    Participant

    Hi to all,

    I am new in this site. I found Michael Davidson’s article about Forgiving yourself and it was great. However, I am still depressed and confused with what happened to me recently.

    I recently made a mistake and hurt someone special to me. I am a closeted gay, and this guy I like, is closeted as well. We haven’t met in person yet because he always tells me he’s not ready yet, but its been almost a year already, and we only communicate through chat. Even though we live in a same town.

    It’s a complicated relationship that we have, we are not friends in Facebook, Twitter or Instagram because there’s still a boundary that has to be respected. And I understand that. I’ve been open to him ever since, that I like him. There are times that he says he’s interested to me too. There’s a whole lot of complicated stories about us but I’ll be focusing first on the next theme of the paragraph.

    Recently, I was checking my Instagram feed, and noticed that a friend of mine posted a pic with the cousin of the guy I like. I know that its his cousin because we exchange pics from time to time. So my initial reaction was to contact my friend and ask him if he’s a relative of the guy I like. He confirmed it. After a day, the guy and I had a funny and cute chat then I started to mention to him about my chat with my friend. He suddenly got worried and told me that he’s avoiding that kind of event, his relatives or parents knowing what he is. He told me that his parents know all of his friends. And he only has a few and were able to visit their house already. I understand his side. I apologized to him for several days, he didn’t talk to me for many days. I used several ways to say sorry. I drew a rose, made a letter, made a poem, I’ve drawn a guy giving flowers, sent him pics of roses. But he wouldn’t talk to me, it only shows “seen” in the messenger (Viber). Then one day, he said that “One sorry is enough”. I asked him if I could redeem myself, he said I could but not now. I continued to to apologize for the next days and eventually he replied “Apology accepted” and we got to discuss for a bit what’s going to happen. He told me he’s not sure if he made the right decision in saying his real name to me, he told me that its not easy for him to trust me again, that I ruined his trust. But confirmed that we can remain friends.

    Michael, even though we discussed it already and he already told me that we won’t be okay if I won’t relax (because there are times that I still send him long letters saying how sorry I am). I assume that we are starting over again. Its just that its hard for me all the time to not think of what happened. I feel so terrible and bad always because I’m not sure if our cute, funny, naughty, and witty conversations would be back. He said that I ruined his trust and it haunts me all the time. I told him that I’ll do my best to make amends and he replies all the time that I should chill and relax. He even told me one time “less talk, less mistakes” and the way I understood it is that we should no longer chat that much. I told him how i understood it and he said that I am over reacting and just making things complicated. He said again that I should chill.

    I don’t know what to do now. I am so depressed that with that honest mistake I made, our relationship would just vanish. We have/ had a very good connection. Understanding each other’s activities and all. But now that I made my mistake, I just couldn’t forgive myself that I’m the one who messed up. I want us to be back to normal, but I always remember the mistake I did, and I’m not sure how I can live with it. I’m doing my best to reach out to him, trying to get back to our usual chat but there’s always something in my head which says that he might still be mad at me or he will never be the same to you again….and that haunts me. I miss everything that we have/had.

    I hope you could understand my situation. Looking forward to a great advice from you.

    Thank you.

    May 26, 2014 at 11:53 pm #57445
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Niam,

    I’m really glad you reached out here like this. I’m not WITH Tiny Buddha; I just come here to read articles, mainly when I’m feeling bad. So I’m not sure how Buddhist my advice/response would be, but I wanted to share anyway 🙂

    First of all, I wanted to say I’m sorry you’re feeling so terrible – I know what it’s like to feel crazy about romantic relationships – it seems like, of all things, sometimes the pain in those is the worst of all. I hope you know you’re not alone and people care about you.

    Secondly, I’m gay, too! Bisexual, actually, though it’s not quite the same situation since I’m a woman, and society/patriarchy has deemed that to be more acceptable and other LGBTQ folks (like gay men/boys or trans people generally) less acceptable.

    I understand why you’re still in the closet – I can’t imagine how scary it must be for men and boys to come out of the closet, and I know it’s somehow serving your needs to stay there – it seems safer, like no one can hurt you there.

    BUT I must also say that staying in there is NO WAY TO LIVE. Can you imagine loving in the shadows for the rest of your life?
    I cannot TELL you how INCREDIBLY (sexually) LIBERATING it is to COME OUT and LET GO of what anyone else thinks! OMFG. Letting go is more of a release than an action, I’ve found, but about the most important thing you can ever do (easier said than done, but “40 ways to let go” on this site is wonderful – as well as the song “let it go” from the movie frozen;-)). When you let go and embrace who you truly are without regard for what others think, there is nothing more beautiful, life-changing, and life-affirming. Living authentically and being yourself is a feeling of complete and utter freedom – like a weight being shifted off of you. I remember 🙂 So I HIGHLY encourage you to come out, first of all, and live the life you want, out in the open! <3

    Thirdly, I wanted to say that I’ve been learning (or re-learning) recently that perhaps I need to be more independent from my partner and take care of myself first. I’m the only one who will DEFINITELY be with me forever so I had better be my best friend before all others, instead of depending on others to meet my needs all the time. This is also easier said than done, but I wanted to recommend to you to consider dealing more deeply with your relationship and the changes happening within it.

    My partner and I recently broke up for a while, and I bought a break up doctor series online from Kevin that’s been very helpful for helping me figure out what’s going on here, within me and in him and between us, (though they gave me an extra hidden charge they still haven’t removed and I can’t access all the videos and e-books at the time though they say they’re taking care of it). I’d recommend a lot of those ideas, and that series, besides the glitches with money etc. But I’m sure Tiny Buddha and others have much to offer on the subject of feeling independent/taking care of yourself when break-ups and such are happening.

    Another thing that’s helped me deal with our last break-up is the fact that I’ve been reading affirmations to myself about every day for a year – affirmations on self love, self belief, self confidence, independence, dreaming big, and inner peace. I wrote down about 20 pieces of paper worth of these double-spaced affirmations, and read about 1-6 pages a day, carrying them with me in my notebook, which I bring everywhere. I would highly recommend these to transform your life. You can find millions at free affirmations dot org and use them for inspiration.

    (ALSO – I just made a great “Power” mix on my ipod if you can get one with all the music that makes me feel powerful (though if you’re super sad or angry, listen to that kind of music, which will help empathize with your feelings). I highly recommend the Power mix! (“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga is probably an amazing coming out song ;-)))

    If you feel more independent and free to come out, and you take care of you and understand what’s going on from a more evolutionary/psychological perspective, you will likely be able to move beyond your secret guy, whether or not he ever takes you back. You’ve GOT to take care of YOU, and be okay regardless! There’s plenty of ways to make yourself feel better (check out Tiny Buddha!) once you try to let go of him for a bit and focus on you, but I think that’s got to be your end goal – complete and utter self love and respect and independence and personal power.

    Also, when you come out, there are plenty of guys out there who are super liberated, and the gay community is (one of) the most nurturing and beautiful places to run into the arms of once you come out or when you need support, in my experience at Pride clubs in college and Pride marches/events around the country.

    I wish you well and send you love! <3

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Misty.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Misty.
    May 27, 2014 at 1:18 am #57449
    Niam
    Participant

    Hi Misty,

    Thank you very much for your wonderful message. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m slowly realizing that maybe it is time to focus on myself. The guy and I have been chatting for 11months now and that’s it, everything only happens in chat. I’ve been pushing him to meet me but he always says that he is not yet ready. For that 11 months, I have not focused much on myself, and just focused on how I can cheer him up or something that would make him happy. I’ve sent him cute pics, my drawings, my art, my poems and even a song. Haha. Honestly, I’m not asking anything in return but now that I’m thinking about it, throughout our chat history, he didn’t actually made much of an effort to be sweet or be more. He does rarely. Maybe I expected too much, and we really aren’t going to work out.

    With what you’ve said, I’m planning to buy a book. Still searching though. But my friends recommended me the book “The Secret” before and other books that followed it. Maybe that’s good too?

    As of now, I’m torn with what I’m feeling. I miss everything between us because even though we only talk thru chat, I’ve been attached to him already. But I doubt that he feels the same way to me. With the way he treats me sometimes. And the other feeling that I should move on and think of him less. We still agreed to remain friends, but lately it seems that he’s not excited to chat with me. So I guess, I should let go as early as now.

    Also, for the coming out part. I really want to, but here in the Philippines, society is not very accepting to the idea yet. And I’m too scared to disappoint my parents. Hopefully, when I’m successful and all, I’d have the courage to come out. I understand what you said about not being yourself and not enjoying life. I feel that too, but as of now I guess I’d have to endure them first.
    Thank you so much for replying! I really appreciate it!

    Hope to hear from you soon. Good luck and take care!! 🙂

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