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Found my dream guy and I'm scared

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  • #145645
    tinkerbellknits
    Participant

    i feel a bit ridiculous posting this hear but a long time ago I got advice about a break up and you were fantastic.

    So after 3 years of being single I’ve just started seeing a guy who is almost everything I want from a partner. And I feel lucky as for the last 2 years I’ve been really happy being single and not interested in dating at all. I’ve had the freedom and found self happiness meaning I didn’t feel like I needed anyone else. I’ve no interest in children so don’t feel like I need anyone.

    Then I met him 8 weeks ago and we’ve had a lot of dates and sleep overs and it’s been great. He likes the same things as me and is really fun to be with.

    This weekend we went camping which was really fun, although I was harbouring anxieties about rock climbing with him as I know I’m a beginner and he’s pretty much an expert.

    I think it’s the same anxieties I have about speaking about how I feel about him. I’m not naive enough to think I might love him yet or even have thought that much about the future and where it’s going, it’s only been 8 weeks. But he clearly has and has tried having conversations with me about the future, about what I want. I just shut down. I’m terrified of saying what I want, I think I’m afraid to be judged but also that I was really badly hurt in my last relationship and I think I’m being cautious about it happening again. But it means I hear myself saying things like, don’t give things up to see me you might regret it in a few months … my sense of realism is too strong and I can’t allow myself to have faith.

    He has a son who I’ve already met and is a good kid and the question about telling him we’re together terrified me – it all feels a bit serious.

    I don’t know what I’m scared of. If he’s what I want why am I scared to be happy? If we have an amazing time together and I never feel worried about being myself why do I close down when it comes to discussing how I feel?

    Hiw do I have the confidence to talk about my past without trying to gloss over it. He has no problem talking about his ex… I have no feelings towards my past anymore, so why can’t I just tell it how it was?

    If anyone can give me advice to avoid me closing down when he next talks to me about personal stuff and emotions I’d be really grateful – any tips to be confident are appreciated.

    Or any insight into why I feel like I do too!

    thanks x

    #145679
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tinkerbellknits:

    You asked: “why am I scared to be happy?”- I don’t think anyone is scared to be happy. People are scared to be happy and then LOSE that happiness. I suppose it may be like rock climbing- the reason it is scary is the falling part, not the going up.

    You asked: “If we have an amazing time together and I never feel worried about being myself why do I close down when it comes to discussing how I feel?”- maybe because you are afraid that being MORE of yourself will bring about the termination of the amazing relationship, that he will stop being amazed by you, that he will reject you.

    “How do I have the confidence to talk about my past without trying to gloss over it”- a little at a time, watch for his response after a little unglossed sharing on your part. If his reaction is encouraging, share a little more.

    “I have no feelings towards my past anymore, so why can’t I just tell it how it was?”- because you do have feelings about your past. Maybe you are no longer emotionally attached to your previous boyfriend, but feelings about your part in that relationship, maybe perceived faults, still exist.

    Your thoughts/ feelings?

    anita

     

    #145687
    tinkerbellknits
    Participant

    Thank you anita.

    I didn’t consider the fear being about losing him as I’ve been really happy in my own and feel more confident about going back to that if it came to it than I ever was in the past. But I think I perhaps do have a fear of not being good enough and being rejected.

    Perhaps you’re right that I think I’ll be judged by my past … but I don’t know whybit bothers me so much that he wants to tell friends and his son.

    Move actively avoided the opportunity to go climbing tomorrow (partly to avoid any embarrassing myself in front of him) but also to avoid the conversations about us being together – which is the same fear as him telling his son. What am I scared of? I don’t fear commitment. I’d love to be with someone I love, forever.

    He wants to go away again in a few weeks which sounds amazing but also makes me feel a bit suffocated. He’s also now coming on a trip in July with our mutual friends which he hadn’t considered doing before. I’m worried we won’t be together then and it’ll be awkward. I know he thinks it’s a massive opportunity to do somethings together.

    Hes been single a lot longer than me, is a bit younger but somehow seems so much more relaxed and happy to travel quickly where the whole thing scares me.

    Id like to work out how to get past it so I don’t make a mess of it as he’s really amazing.

     

    #145689
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tinkerbellknits:

    You wrote: “I think I perhaps do have a fear of not being good enough and being rejected” It makes sense to me that you fear that (who doesn’t…), but that is probably not your only fear.

    You wrote that it bothers you that he wants to tell his friends and son, that you feel “a bit suffocated”,  and you are thinking that you may not be together in July.

    Maybe you are not as scared to lose him as you are to have him as “it”-

    If you don’t fear commitment, as you wrote, maybe you don’t want to be committed to this guy. Maybe he is too available to you, for your liking. Maybe you would feel better with a guy who is more reserved, more of a challenge, or the like.

    Could that be it?

    anita

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    #145723
    tinkerbellknits
    Participant

    I don’t think it’s him I don’t want to commit to, although it has occurred to me I’m the first girl he’s dated in a long time and is he just getting carried away. I definitely fear not being good enough.

    I think I’m afraid to make plans so far in advance for fear they will not happen.

    I want to be open with him about how I feel but I feel too vulnerable- not because it him I’m like that with anyone talking about emotions.

    I want to be brave and take a chance – I think I’m stronger now than I used to be if it ended but it hasn’t made me braver to expose my personal feelings.

    He’s lovely and amazing and I want to take the chance even if it doesn’t work but I just close down when we talk about personal stuff. I don’t know how to make myself be more open

    #145727
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tinkerbellknits:

    Earlier you wrote: “for the last 2 years I’ve been really happy being single and not interested in dating at all. I’ve had the freedom and found self happiness meaning I didn’t feel like I needed anyone else”-

    you are in a dating situation now, very different from two years of being single. You experienced happiness during those two years. Now it is a different ball game, a relationship. You found happiness being single, but being in a relationship requires different practices, different skills. It is a new challenge and in being so, it is understandably scary.

    As a single person you got along fine with yourself, but now, in a relationship, you have to practice skills that require improving and work, such as communicating effectively and asserting yourself. This is an opportunity for you to practice the skills required in a healthy, loving relationship. It will be difficult but the rewards can be amazing!

    Your boyfriend sounds motivated enough to be with you. If you share with him your feelings responsibly and in moderation, so to not give him the job to fix you and so to not overwhelm him); if you make this relationship a Win-Win relationship where you help each other, you will do just fine.

    anita

    #145739
    tinkerbellknits
    Participant

    Thank you anita for your advice – I’ll try to share in moderation. I definitely don’t want to be someone who need fixing, I’d rather do that for myself.

    Thanks x

    #145769
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, tinkerbellknits.

    anita

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