January 5, 2014 at 10:02 am #48413
We met and believed it was fate right away. We were completing each others sentences within days. Love came very naturally and easily. I knew he was in the middke of a divorce. When the holidays came, he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. He will have to move, he and his ex and dealing with seperating finances, etc. I understand completely that is he absolutely overwhelmed, and my heart breaks for him. His therapist (who has really helped him over the last few months) has suggested that he needs to completely mourn the loss (they were together for 17 years). She cheated, and is in another relationship already. There is no hope of reconciliation with the ex, so I’m not worried about that.
We talked yesterday. He said he has nothing to give to a relationship right now, as he is too overwhelmed. I completely understood. I see what this all is doing to him. I was willing to give him whatever space he needed, but breaking things off completely with no communcaiton was not an option. I’m his best friend, and he is mine. We agreed to stay best friends. No talk about love, our relationship, our future, etc. I am here as support, to help him move, etc. He doesn’t want me to wait around because it isnt fair to me. I agreed that I would attempt to date in time, to make him feel better that I’m getting on with my life without him. I cannot date anyone else! He is the love of my life and we both know it, although its hard for him to remember that right now.
Anyway, if youve got this far reading my novel, here is my dilemma. I am working with a therapist after realizing I have control issues. It is SO SO hard to just “let go” and accept our best friend relationship that it is right now, and just wait to see what happens. Up until a few days ago, my future was planned. Now who knows.
Is it true that if our love is meant to be, it will just happen in time for us???? Thoughts? Any advice on letting go of control and just letting things happen? I am really, really struggling.
Thank you for any advice you can offer, it means the worldJanuary 5, 2014 at 2:07 pm #48425Eric SchmitParticipant
Your freaking out because of lose of control, you had “your future planned” and now you dont. And as a control freak you cant handle that.January 5, 2014 at 3:18 pm #48430AnonymousInactive
Cathy, have you ever examined your dependency and boundaries issues?January 5, 2014 at 4:54 pm #48434lovinggirlParticipant
cathy move on! You cannot be friends with this guy. You need no contact.
I am in a similar situation, well he is my BF, but just dropped the bomb on me of ‘not being ready’ to talk about the future at OUR age (in our forties) same exact scenario as your BF for his divorce…he has been out of the house for 3 years and STILL is in shambles.
The men! They are just perfect and the timing is all off. move on. I am still with my bf but its HARD.January 5, 2014 at 6:03 pm #48448Lyla McLeanParticipant
Eric, why so harsh all the time and what’s with the name calling? Aren’t we meant to be offering support and compassion.January 5, 2014 at 6:18 pm #48449Lyla McLeanParticipant
It takes at the very least,a couple of years to grieve a long marriage or relationship. It sounds like the timing of your relationship was off. The right man at the wrong time for him.
This is probably something that you can’t help him with but it’s great that you both have therapists for support. Maybe you need to listen carefully to what your man is telling you. 1] He has nothing to give to a relationship right now. 2] He doesn’t want talk about love, your relationship, your future. 3] He doesn’t WANT you to wait around.
What you were describing is being ” in love ” which has little to do with real and lasting love. How long did you know this man? Becoming best friends takes a very long time.
You sound very romantic but romance is not reality. Your man is telling you in every way that you should move on without him. He wants you to date other men. A man who loves you would not be talking that way. A man who loves you would be totally upset at the very thought. Hey, it was great while it lasted but it’s over. I’m sad for you. it hurts and it will take time for you to heal too but please, for both your sakes, let him go.January 6, 2014 at 5:52 am #48482AnonymousInactive
Lovinggirl, as for a martyr, you seem to be in the right place, tinybuddha, although forced compassion never really works.
You seem not to be ready to accept what people are willing to give, isn’t that the reason that you eventually get nothing?January 6, 2014 at 6:11 am #48483JenniferParticipant
I have a friend who went through this exact thing and my advice might not be so popular, but you know what? She gave him some space and their friendship turned back into love. THey couldn’t stay away from each other. They are still together four years later and they’re still completely in love and soul mates. Yes, things have been rocky for them and yes, he has had a rough time getting over the divorce. They’ve gone through some terrible moments (like when his ex up and started dating a friend of his and it really shook him up and he took some space). However, she has provided him with a lot of space, has learned to get happiness from other sources and has had to spend a lot of time rebuilding herself after her divorce, also.
So I guess what I’m saying is, follow your path even if it doesn’t look like you thought it would. I know how it hurts. I have been there. But in the end, if you truly believe you have found your soul mate, believe this, love him and let it go if you have to (for now). It’s that cliche that if you love something, let it go and if it’s meant to be, it will come back to you. You may find this impossible and you two may end up back together in a number of days…but you know what? Maybe that is meant to be. I’m not saying you have an easy road if you choose this path, but my friend? She thinks it was 100% worth it, bumps and all, and has found the love of her life. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all are looking for – even if it doesn’t look like what we always thought and expected? 🙂
Good luck, and if he’s your soulmate, this definitely isn’t goodbye. Take heart in that. 🙂
-JenniferJanuary 6, 2014 at 6:16 am #48484
Voov… You seem so spiritual and compassionate. My be has no friends here. His family is hours away and unable emotionally and physically help through this, the move and everything else. His wife cheated on him several times, and after she left, and through therapy, he realized he was never that Happy w/her, they just were comfortable and went through the motions. She was incredibly selfish, and he is incredibly giving. He has nothing to give to a relationship right now. I understand that completely. He must get through the divorce, the move and the ink has to be dry. As for mourning his “loss”, all he is mourning is the betrayal and the time wasted. We’ve agreed to stay good friends. I am keeping my options open (dating others, etc), but I refuse to abandon him. He needs me. Everyone here is telling me to go, but I can’t do that to him. I’ve dating so, so many men and have never met anyone like him. If we end up not being a couple in the end, so be it, but he is my best friend, and for now if that’s all I can get, I’m thrilled with that.January 6, 2014 at 6:22 am #48485
Jennifer, I’m in tears after your note. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org would you possibly email me so that I can ask you a few more questions? You seem to be the only person in the world understanding where I am. Words cannot express my gratitude for your message.
Thank you just doesn’t cut it, you have no idea what it means.
CathrynJanuary 6, 2014 at 10:22 am #48488AnonymousInactive
Cathy, perhaps everyone but you accept the fact that he doesn’t need/’need’ you. Whatever you mean by words.
And whatever you do/don’t do – is up to you.
If you want to take advice ‘leave him’, take it, if you don’t want to take that advice, don’t take it.January 6, 2014 at 2:24 pm #48511FindinglifeParticipant
Cathy it is wonderful that you are his best friend. I hope for both of you that he can find a way to let go of the past, you say he is mourning the betrayal and waste of time, but he may also be mourning all the hope, possibilities and love he put in to that relationship. Lets be honest after what has just happened to him, he probably cannot see a future for himself never mind with someone.
I would also say MAYBE at this moment in time he is so afraid of hurting you and losing you completely, a friendship is all he can offer, At least he gets to see you being happy.
So all I can say is be a friend, we all needs friends, just do not plan a future until he can see the possibility of a future.
As for your future and dating other people a good friend once said to me “enjoy the tapestry of life”, go dating enjoy the meeting people you always learn something new.
Love and lightJanuary 8, 2014 at 6:29 am #48672BernadetteParticipant
I agree with Lyla , best to move on cause a man who truly loves u cant even contemplate u being with another man, so he is telling you something, like they say, its always wise to listen to what someone is saying to you, he is not ready , he has his issues to deal with, at the moment he cant even see himself in a relationship with anyone, so at leat he is honest with u and not stringing you along like some people would have done.
kadijaJanuary 8, 2014 at 11:15 pm #48758MacintoshParticipant
Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Even though his wife cheated and they are divorcing, he still needs to grieve the loss. The loss of a life and a marriage he planned with his wife. The house, their friends, he loses his in laws and she loses her in laws. There’s a lot of changes going on and this is something he has to deal with on his own. He can’t ‘give’ to you right now as he has nothing to give. He can’t put you first, be your lover and make you number one priority so he has chosen to back off and keep it simple – Friends. if you can’t handle it, then do give him space, try no contact for a while.
He is quietly telling you in his own way that he won’t commit to you. You have these dreams, think he’s your soul mate…..What if he felt that but now reality has hit and he has changed his mind or as he is telling you only wants friendship. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your life, which is why he’s told you to move on, date others. When a person shows you who they are, believe them!
You invested a lot into him and your heart is so into him, we get that and he may have felt that way but right now he can’t handle it. If you truly love and respect him, continue with your counseling, keep busy, focus on yourself and friends in your life and allow him space and time to figure things out. If you push him and not give him the space he needs, he’ll walk out of your life for good.January 28, 2014 at 12:34 am #49874StarsontharsParticipant
I must tell you I have been through a divorce after 23 years of marriage and I understand what your friend is going through as I was cheated on as well.
Fully mourning the death of a marriage is necessary in order to move on and the only healthy thing one has to offer during that time is friendship.
You deserve a fully healthy partner that is ready to partner with you.
He really has to do a post-mortem on his marriage and that will take time and is emotionally exhausting.
Possibly in the future he can be the healthy partner you deserve so you two can have the wonderful relationship you believe is available for you two, but if he can’t heal soundly from this negative life experience you will never know, as he will carry into your relationship with him, his past relationship with his ex-wife.
I hope that your desire for a relationship with this man will transform into a desire for a healthy relationship with this man and that will be the thought that can anchor you in
acceptance of the minimal friendship based relationship you have to have with him currently.
I think if you can change the focus of your desire you can change a great deal and it will be much easier for you.
I wish you and him the very best.
You both deserve a wonderful life.