Dear Adrianne:

The way I reply to your recent post (and previous post or posts) is to read one sentence and respond before reading the next sentence.

“I will start by saying I did tell her I was bisexual and had experience with girls in the past. I told her about one girl I used to date“- when you told her this, she probably started thinking (you know how quickly we humans think, some more than others, thought move so quickly through our brains.. so many of them) thoughts like: hmm, I wonder if she finds me attractive, I wonder if she will come on to me, I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, why am I looking at her body as if I am a lesbian, I am not! Or am I, just a bit, etc., and thoughts involve images and imaginations, as you know.

“Now I feel horrified that I actually might have done something to make her feel like I was hitting on her“- it is probably probable (lol) that you too had thoughts about her, I wonder if she could think of me as  attractive, and/ or I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, etc. It’s to easy to think, and it just happens that we think. We are not guilty for thinking this or that. Neither are we guilty for feeling this or that. It’s the nature of our brains.

Sometimes what we think and feel expresses itself in our facial expressions, tone of voice, a word here and there..  before we realize it.

“She did behave in.. girly, flirty manner. I think it’s just her way of being – I did see it couple of times when were in the office. But she did behave like that in my presence only“- reads like she was curious and part of her was trying to attract you and have a thing with you.

“She did invite me to a trip… she did talk about the trip many many times. With sleepover and with other friend, but later just two of us“- she was pursuing either an Experience with you, or a Relationship.

“There was one time I said okay we can go, but we never did. Later I proposed that we can go on a trip the three of us: me, my boyfriend and her, or some of her friend/sister or whatever, but she said no. She said she didn’t want to be a burden or interrupt my time with my boyfriend… Later she came back to the idea of trip only for us two“- she was pursuing you for a romantic/ sexual experience and/ or for a possible full-fledged relationship.

“To provide some more content for you Anita: at the beginning when we first met we did not talk that much… One time she told me: (paraphrased) I need to find a boyfriend to stop bothering you in the evenings/I feel like we talk a lot these days, more than we used to/ I will keep looking for a boyfriend to leave you alone“- people come up with categories of people, heterosexual and homosexual are two such categories, but most people fit in different places along a continuum of each defined category, open somewhat to new experiences (once thoughts and images alert a person to new possibilities).

Reads like she felt emotionally close to you. The brain does not have separate areas for closeness with a woman vs  closeness with a man. There is a mix.

“She was clearly bragging that she had a boyfriend and showed me photos for me to see him, see how he looks like, that he is handsome etc. But I don’t think the purpose was that she wanted me to be attracted to him and think ‘wow that’s a handsome man’. Or was it?“- I don’t think so. I think that following unsuccessfully pursuing you for a long time, she felt rejected and angrily, wanted to show you that someone (handsome) finds her attractive even though you didn’t.

“I think she felt like a burden because there were times she was too much. And she told us that some people in the past used to tell her that she was too much. And sometimes she was. She used to text us long messages…“- she was needy, needy of emotional closeness.

“She wrote me several letters. First time that we were in the office she gave me gift – lots of stuff, she spend so much money on this and she attached a letter to it. It was nice but a bit .. well, too much“- she was pursuing you.

“Maybe I did something to make her feel that way. Maybe it was the dynamic between us that she was this girly, cutesy one and I am not a girly one, I am more.. gender neutral when it comes to clothes or behaving… She used to joke about pink color, painting her nails, glitter etc. I think she was trying to be cute very often“- she was trying to attract you.

“She did send me her photos too. I never commented on them since I did not know the point of sending them. There were photos of her in the car or before the work meetings, she was dressed up etc.“- I bet she felt rejected when you didn’t comment on the photos she sent you.

“She sent me valentine cards too… She sent LOTS of hearts. Lots of emotional letters, descriptions, confessions about how she likes me and values me“- I rest my case: she was pursuing you! 

“Thank you Anita. I will learn (from) my mistakes. Now I know I don’t have to match someone’s affection or return the affection only because someone craves it. Especially when I am not interested in ‘that way’ and when I am in a relationship. Seems to me like I did something to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But I guess I will never know. It’s sad that it had to end but I think it really had to.“- you are welcome. Reads like indeed she craved your affection and that her craving did not know romantic/ sexual orientation boundaries, at least not when it came to you. She pursued you and you rejected her.

From psychology today/ navigating the pathway of romantic rejection: “the experience of romantic rejection is complex and variable impacting mood, behavior, and cognitions… (rejection) can trigger anger…  Lastly, over time rejection… can lead to severe depression and despair”-

– I don’t think she’s suffering from depression as a result of you rejecting her romantically, but I think that the rejection is the reason behind her changed mood, behavior and cognition that you described earlier (not texting you back, not joining group chats, etc.)

anita

Dear Adrianne:

“It might be that she pursued me. Or it might be more complex“- as I see it, a complex person (she) pursued another complex person (you). Few of us are simple. 

“it was more of a being ‘too much’ problem that scared them off. So perhaps I was the one who gave her attention and kind of ‘guy’ vibe as I was not a typical girlie-bestie for her, I guess?“- she was/ is too much needy, and yes, I think that you represented an atypical alternative to the men who rejected her.

“I am angry at myself that I got so close with her… Gosh, I feel like I cheated.“- you mean that by not discouraging her efforts to pursue you, you cheated on your boyfriend? But you weren’t aware, or adequately aware, at the time that she was pursuing you for some kind of a romantic/ sexual relationship.. ?

anita

Dear Adrianne:

We all make mistakes e v e r y   d a y, with different levels of awareness. It takes courage to admit when we make a mistake, correct it if possible and make a mental note to not do/ say this or that in the future, in similar circumstances. No benefit in beating oneself up after you correct and/ or learn from the experience.

anita

You are welcome, Adrianne, and please post again anytime you feel like posting. I’ll be glad to read from you and reply every time you post (when I am in front of the computer).

anita

You are welcome, Adrianne and thank you!

anita