Dear V,

I can relate to your post so very much. I was in your shoes countless times in my life. You did not mention your age, so I don’t know how old you are, but I can speak as someone in their mid 30’s and who has felt this way A LOT in her life. This is what I want to say to you:

Having expectations that someone will always reciprocate, or act as you would act only will set you up for hurt in the long run. Not just with this friend, but with romantic relationships, and even family relationships. First off, people cannot read your mind, so they don’t know how you would want/expect them to act. Secondly (and this happens more and more as we get older, I’ve found), people have their own dramas going on in their lives and they are always their own #1 priority. You mentioned your friend had a boyfriend and cares for others, so I imagine she has lots going on in her life.

You say she is a good friend, so it doesn’t particularly sound like you’re being “neglected” or treated badly, rather, you don’t feel she’s as reliable as you are or putting in as much effort as you. So you have a few options.

1) Drop your expectations, and don’t try to measure what your friend does against what you do for her, just accept that the time she gives you is genuine and unless she starts being disrespectful or truly neglectful, just enjoy the time you have with her. If there is a need she isn’t fulfilling, try to fill it with other things, be it a hobby, or other friends, or self care.

2) If you find that dropping your expectations is not quite working, you can try to lower your effort in the friendship. Reach out less, so that it feels equal. I have tried this method and don’t always recommend it. In my experience, it’s led to feeling some unspoken tension because I am not being my genuine caring self. Sometimes this way has led to deteriorating friendships. Sometimes that’s for the best, honestly.

If you can truly lower your expectations on the person so that you are genuinely happy when you spend time together, I find that way works well, because then the times together are positive and the person feels that good energy and ends up wanting to spend more time together. And you feel better too because you are not mad or feeling frustrated about something they didn’t live up to. But you truly have to let those expectations go, not just pretending. I started just saying a phrase as simple as “no worries” if a friend cancels or can’t make it, rather than try to make them feel bad, or just get mad and hold it in. And that simple phrase, once I got to the point where I truly meant it, not only freed me from the frustration, but it freed them from feeling weird and guilty and that unspoken tension with me. I hope this helps. I’ve been there and it sucks to feel unreciprocated care. But it’s a chance to fill that void yourself and work on navigating balance in friendships. I hope it works out. <3