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Friend that can't meet my expectations

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  • December 22, 2016 at 11:36 pm #123356
    Nina Deane
    Participant

    I know our expectations of others is what can disappoint us, when friends fail to meet them. I have a friend/sister relationship with someone I’ll call J. She tells everyone we are best friends, yet her actions never follow her words. She will break dates, or choose to not get together for events that are important to me. An example is the fact that we have grandsons almost the same age, yet they have never met. Her grandson lives out of state, but she never chooses to invite us to do something together when he visits. Or when her daughter visits (who I was very close to as a child) she will choose to make “family only” things happen and I won’t get to see the daughtereither. When she got re-married, she chose her adult daughters to be in the wedding party so I thought as her BFF (as she calls me), I would at least be given the honor of a reading or speech or something special. Not a thing. So, the fact that she talks about how we are best friends, yet never does things to make me feel that way causes me a lot of angst. Whenever I try to pull away from the relationship, only then does she really reach out and make time for lunch or tea in her busy schedule. I don’t have any other friendship relationships that cause so much discomfort so I am not sure if this one bothers me so much because she constantly tells everyone else how we are best friends, but in reality, usually treats me like an acquaintance. I feel manipulated and usually frustrated after seeing her, not calm and peaceful like with other friends. Yet, there is a weird sister like bond that makes terminating the relationship difficult. Would appreciate anyone elses thoughts.

    December 23, 2016 at 2:40 am #123357
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Ninad

    I suggest you maintain distance from this friend. Terminating suddenly will lead to more problems if you have common friends and a long history. However, after a certain point, actions speak louder than words in real life friendships. Words aren’t enough. She isnt your family, you arent her family. The intimacy has not reached that point where you can treat eachother like that no matter what she claims verbally. You tried to develop it but she isn’t that interested in reality. If she initiates contact, all great but it’s best you focus on other friends.

    Regards
    Nina

    December 23, 2016 at 6:01 am #123359
    Nina Deane
    Participant

    Thank you Nina. Another thing I wanted to add. She was going to include me in helping her find her wedding dress so I thought we would have that bonding experience/memory as she didn’t incorporate me in any other way for her wedding (other than putting me to work making party favors for the tables with a couple of her other GFs). She cancelled the dress shopping date and said we would re-arrange. Then suddenly she called me and said “I found my dress!” So, on her own, she just went dress shopping and found the dress she ended up buying and totally excluding me.

    She also was going to get together for lunch and cancelled a couple weeks ago. The last time we saw her she shared that the following week (after our scheduled lunch date) she had gone to lunch with her old boyfriend! She is newly married!! So, she likes to be with people who pay her way, and stroke her ego (like old boyfriends). I shared my feelings last night (the frustration about the wedding, etc.) but one can never really go there with people as they get defensive and have trouble owning what they don’t like that they do wrong (or what we think they do wrong). She made it about me and how it is hard to live up to my expectations. I don’t feel my expectations are out of line. If you verbalize you are a best friend, then act like one. You are right, her actions do speak louder than words and I need to pull back. Thanks for your time.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Nina Deane.
    December 23, 2016 at 6:31 am #123363
    Paula_G
    Participant

    Dear Ninad,
    I am sorry to hear that you ate struggeling and indeed I can understand, that you are feeling manipulated, as you said in the first message. It seems to me, that you are trying your best to get along with her or be good to her.
    She is causing you angst and you feel rejected, I am sorry to hear that. Please try to consider what it would look like if you were to be your own best friend in this situation: What would you recommend in dealing with this lady? How would you comfort yourself in disturbing situations. I surely believe, that we need other people, but still imagining you as your own best friend might help you to get an idea how to deal with her.
    Be strong! do not let the bully occupy your good heart.

    Paula

    December 23, 2016 at 7:10 am #123368
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Hey ninad,

    That’s absolutely right. Friends are good support systems but there is supposed to an element of win-win or reciprocation in a healthy relationship. Am sorry if you are hurting still but the problem isn’t with your expectations, it’s with her actions and words which are not in sync. I agree with Paula too on this..

    Regards
    Nina

    December 23, 2016 at 8:28 am #123372
    Nina Deane
    Participant

    Thank you Paula and Nina for your time and perspective. I am sure this is a story that many people can relate to. Circumstances may be different but treatment is the same. It is not a 50:50 relationship. Even though I am open to looking at my faults and wondering if I am expecting too much, I don’t think it’s wrong to expect someone who claims I am her BFF, to include me more in important events in her life and/or to not cancel lunch dates etc. only to make them with someone else (like the old boyfriend) and make time for him but not for me. I got incredibly mad last night when we talked about all of her kids being home for the holidays and I mentioned we all get together, even if it’s a pizza night out where no-one has to be the hostess. She was too quick to kabosh the idea saying she is not sure of all of their plans, and it just felt so hurtful that with a 25 year friendship and watching these kids grow up, that she wants to assume they are not interested in a family/friend get together. I did contact the one daughter to just do something on our own and she was more than happy to try to see us and make something happen. The trick is to pull back as you have both suggested, not expect what she seems to be incapable of giving, and focus on other friends who actually offer more to me emotionally than she is capable of doing. Thank you both!

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