My friend is upset with me and I don\'t know how to deal with it

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 22, 2017 at 1:41 pm #154576

oliaS
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I met this man at work. We had a couple of things in common so we started sharing our thoughts. Just over a year ago his wife left him. Right around the same time, my boyfriend passed away. We were both grieving our loss. Then at Christmas last year his mom passed away. Three weeks later my dad passed away. So, now, we were both grieving over this loss while still not having dealt with the last one. I could see that he was not dealing with his grief very well and I tried to help him with that. We had some good chats at work. I suggested that we go out for a coffee – as friends, nothing more – just to talk. That was four months ago and we still haven’t had that coffee. About a month ago, I overheard a couple of conversations between the managers (their offices are right behind me). His name came up in one of the conversations. The conversation was muffled and they were talking very low like they didn’t want to be heard. The other conversation was between his boss and my boss. His boss was saying, ‘we have to let him go.’. I thought grieving two losses already, if they let him go, he won’t be able to handle it. I felt I should at least give him a heads up and tell him that someone was being let go from his dept. He had to know if it was himself and confronted his boss about it. Turned out it wasn’t him. I think he was so relieved he lost his composure right there in front of his boss. He has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. He avoids talking to me and barely says anything when I try to speak to him. I sent him an email apologizing for what had happened – that I thought if he was at least aware of the situation, he’d be better prepared for whatever was going to happen. I thought I was doing the right thing by alerting him. Now, he’s upset with me and probably feels embarrassed because he broke down in front of his boss. I confronted him today and asked if he’s behaving this way because of what happened. He said no, but I don’t believe him and I don’t think anything will change. He’s working in another building now so I don’t see him and when he does come to my location he never comes to say hello or anything. I was lucky to have seen and talk with him today. I don’t know how to deal with this. He says we’re still friends but I don’t know if I believe that either. Is he just saying that to get me off his back? I know he’s got a lot on his mind. I just want him to know that I really care about him – as a friend – and only wanted to help not hurt him. I sent him into an emotional tailspin un-necessarily and I feel so bad about that. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve sent him a couple of friendly emails (not mentioning what happened) but he doesn’t respond. I really miss our chats. Anyone have any advice for me.

June 22, 2017 at 7:37 pm #154618

Manders
Participant

It sounds like there’s nothing more that you can do if you have already apologized and made an effort. Unfortunately these things happen. Even though you meant well sometimes it’s better just not to get involved. It used to bother me a great deal when friendships would dwindle or end. Now I have come to except that all friendships aren’t meant to be and all relationships aren’t permanent. I have found that friendships at work can be complicated at times and many of the friends I had at different jobs were not friendships that continued when we no longer worked together. Now that I am older I keep friendships at work very professional.

June 22, 2017 at 9:34 pm #154630

PearceHawk
Participant

OliaS what Manders said, “…all friendships aren’t meant to be and all relationships aren’t permanent…” is spot on. I want to share a poem with you that a woman named Veronica A. Shoffstall wrote in 1971…

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn…

You said, “I’m not sure what to do.” With so much going on between you two, space and patience is paramount. Let it run its’ course but keep your fingers on that pulse.

Please do let us know how you are doing.

Pearce

June 23, 2017 at 3:01 am #154634

Hana L
Participant

Hi OliaS,

I think you have done the best you could by apologizing to him. You had admitted it was your fault, and the ball is now in his court. If he is still ignoring you then I guess that was the ‘weight’ of your friendship. It’s not as if you pretended nothing was wrong, because some people are good at doing that especially when they are at fault.

I am also speaking from a recent experience I had from work where I thought I was helping a colleague (colleague A) out but in the end, A treated me rather dismissively (long story). I spent the last few days wondering how I could’ve done the work better, and I had spoken to another colleague (colleague B) about how A treated me. B told me that it was that a reflection of A’s attitude, not mine.

As painful as the situation is, we have to learn to move on. I agree with Pearce, giving yourself space is important, as well as being compassionate with yourself.

Take care.

Hana

June 23, 2017 at 5:54 am #154654

Anonymous
Guest

Dear oliaS:

I suggest two things: one, learn from this experience, the second: explain to him what you learned from it.

This is what I learned from your experience that you shared, take from it what applies to you:

Before we act on our good intent to help another, we need to stop and think: how is our thought-of action going to help the other person?

You overheard that someone is going to be let go from work. You thought about alerting him so that he will be prepared. How would that be helpful? If he is aware ahead of time, what would the benefit be for him?

Then one thinks: if by telling him what I overheard, he will become distressed and there will be no benefit to him in my telling, if he cannot undo the decision of his bosses, why cause him distress earlier than necessary?

And so, between our INTENT and our ACTION, we need to PAUSE and think if our action will serve our intent.

anita

June 30, 2017 at 10:17 am #155818

oliaS
Participant

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. You all offered great insight and advise. I have spoken to him since. I said I wanted to clear something up and mentioned that I’ve noticed a change in his behaviour towards me. I apologized for anything that I’d said or done to upset him. I brought up the issue about the job very briefly and, as anita suggested, explained what I had learned from that incident and I also commented that I didn’t want it to be the rift that disrupts our friendship. He responded with, ‘we’re good, I’ve had a lot on my mind – it’s been racing in all different directions’. I was surprised I got that much out of him because he’s not much of a talker. I extended my arm and we shook hands.

Yesterday he was in the office again. We exchanged pleasantries and talked a bit about how we were coping with things. I started to ask a question, but then stopped, thinking it might be too personal. He encouraged me to ask it, so I did. It was an open-ended question and he actually answered it and included personal details. I kept it short and sweet.

So, I think we’re on a good path and going in the right direction. I believe he needs space right now. He knows I’m there if he needs me. I’ll wait to see what happens. If he chooses to distance himself, then, as PearceHawk, Manders and Hana said, I’ll just have to move on. My biggest issue with that is dealing with my insecurities around feeling like it’s a personal rejection, but I’m working on that.

Thanks, again, to everyone who shared their thoughts with me. They were very helpful.

oliaS

June 30, 2017 at 11:04 am #155828

Anonymous
Guest

Dear oliaS:

Reads like a better situation, to me. The fact that he shared new personal information with you this last time is very revealing, showing, to me, that he is trusting you with more personal information (for a non-talker who is, I understand, not in the habit of sharing personal information with co-workers…?), and so a friendship is ongoing. Good job on your part, I say!

anita
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