Home→Forums→Relationships→friend who copy my dream and my goal
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December 7, 2016 at 8:07 am #122151
PeterParticipantI understand why the situation is hurtful as your friend may be insensitive to your feelings. The rule of charity suggest talking to her about what you’re feeling however if you can’t or won’t all you can do is imagine why she is doing what she is doing. If this is the path you are going down the rule of charity suggests picking the better story that allows you to move forward and avoid the villain and victim stories that tend to keep us stuck.
From what you wrote your friend may be inspired by you while you appear to be jealous. Imagine if you both had such farm, what you could learn from each other?
May I ask, are you following through on your dreams? If you’re not, that has nothing to do with your friendship, so you may be projecting your frustration onto it.
December 7, 2016 at 9:58 am #122163
AnonymousGuestDear jess2277:
Maybe your friend admires you and thinks so highly of your ideas that she takes action on your ideas and make them come true for her.
Maybe she is not aware that you are hurting.
As to your question: “Does she consider to be a true friend or it is me who cannot be her true friend?” It takes two to make a friendship, so the fact that you’ve been hurting for a long time, not communicating your hurt to her makes it not a true friendship, and so neither one of you is a true friend.
As to your question: “What should I do in this situation?” One of two things: either distant yourself from her, so you don’t fake a friendship OR share your feelings with her and see her response: does she have empathy for you? Has she been aware of your hurt? And if she was aware, did she derive satisfaction from your jealousy? Find out her thoughts and feelings on this matter.
anita
December 7, 2016 at 10:00 am #122164
Dreamer04ParticipantHey there.
I have been through the exact same thing but just on a slightly different basis but I’m glad my friend and I have sorted the issue long time ago. My only advice would be I suggest you confront her in a polite manner and let her know how you feel about what she is doing. If she retaliated, just let her be. Focus on your life and your goals and continue being who you are. Over time, she will ( trust me ) start realizing what she’s doing and believe it or not, things will be back to normal again. I know my advice seems really simple but thats the same things that happened in my case as well.
Hope things will get better for you. Keep the smile and don’t worry too much. Take care ! 🙂
December 7, 2016 at 10:02 am #122166Dreamer04ParticipantJust to add, this could also be a sign that she idolizes you. Yes it is very frustrating but it’s only because she wants to be as good as you. My friend told me this when i confronted her and it left me in shock but that was that. I reassured her that she should be however she choses to be as long as she doesn’t invade into another person’s life way too much. Things are greater now and she’s literally one of the few friends who have stuck along since last time.
December 8, 2016 at 3:14 am #122247
jess2277ParticipantDear Peter
Thank you very much for your advise. Yes, that’s my ideal picture. We both could have a farm and sharing our product and knowledge. I should be happy with her but in reality, I don’t understand why it is so hard.
And it could be true as you said. With my life condition and financial status, to reach my goal is not so easy so I take a very slow steps. I’ve been read through few article about one up manship friend or someone who have been copied their dream or goal. It could be something about my egotism and identity because I feel like I am the one who came up with this idea before her. Then, I become the one who seem to be copying her because I started it later.
I and her had set up a small business together. Before she built her house in a countryside, we were working along and run this business together in the city. Once her house finished and she decided to start her farm , she just left those management part on me and only did what she can do from far away. That’s mean she can start her farm whereas I had to run the business and finish up those left over project in the city. Every time when she return to the town, she always tell me how beautiful her life is in the countryside and how shitty the city life is. That’s also made me frustrated to see her progress in something I wanted to do but I had to stuck with many responsibilities in the city.
Now, she has started her farm for a year with help of her husband and start selling some products while I just start building my house on an empty land. However, once I start sharing this story to you guys, it help me pulling myself back and focusing on what I want to do but I don’t know why I always feel down when I see her showing off her farming story and living a life I dream of.
I never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?
December 8, 2016 at 3:19 am #122248jess2277ParticipantDear Anita
Thank you very much for your advise. I’ve been trying to figure out how she really feel and what does she think about me but it’s not so easy for me to open up and start talking to her about this. I can imagine that she wouldn’t take it as her mistake coz what she is doing is no harm to anyone. Maybe I would try to keep distant from her until I feel better and ready to meet her again.
December 8, 2016 at 3:30 am #122249jess2277ParticipantDear Dreamer04
Thank you very much for understanding my situation clearly and give me an advise. I will try to do what you say..focusing on my goal and being who I am even sometime I feel pain when I think of what she has done. Talking to her about this stuff seem to be very difficult for me. I hope time will heal everything.Thank god that I have a chance to tell this to someone and get some advise back even I don’t know you guys in person. I feel very grateful to all your attention on my story.
Thank you very much indeed.. : )
December 8, 2016 at 7:48 am #122270AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, jess2277. You do have the option to ask her (in a calm, non-accusatory way) what her thoughts and feelings are for the purpose of getting the information you need about her intents.
anitaDecember 8, 2016 at 7:57 am #122271PeterParticipantI never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?
You are not a bad person. I think often it’s the labeling of our such experiences as bad that end up magnifying the ‘negativity’ we feel.
You want to be happy for your friend but a part of you doesn’t and you feel bad about it but want to do something about it. To me this show signs of someone who learning to become authentic. That this experience is a opportunity for growth
My experience and observations has been that pretending not to have these negative feelings, pushing them back and then beating oneself up by labeling ourselves as ‘bad’ only gives power to the experience.
It seem to me you are already taking the steps to deal with this negativity by noticing it.
August 15, 2021 at 11:10 am #384795
JacksonParticipantI’ve experienced this and I’m SOO MAD. I told my friend about my dream college in Germany and he kept making fun of me and next thing he asks me what exactly do you need to be accepted in my dream university. I then found out he was taking German courses and he told his other best friend about it so that he can company him and they’re both in touch so that they’ll travel together. And when I confronted him he said he wanted a person to go with him and I thought he was talking about me but then he broadly said “I didn’t say that person was you”. He didn’t even want to admit he stole my plans. I really want to kill him right now. I tried to stay positive and think of it that I’m helping a friend, but is he really a friend after copying my plans and then avoiding me. He is also smarter than me (so he’s more likely to get accepted) I keep getting thoughts of him making it to MY dream college and achieving MY dream life, which he wouldn’t think about if it wasn’t me who told him about it.
August 15, 2021 at 11:31 am #384803AnonymousGuest* Dear Jackson:
If you would like to, you are welcome to start your own thread, and explain your situation there. If you do, I will reply to you there.
anita
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