Friends post relationship

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  PearceHawk 10 months ago.

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    Steven B

    Long I know…

    Single separated dad of two teens. Four years ago my then wife and I went to a bbq at some friends house that neither of us really wanted to go to. There I met a couple with a four week old baby and a two year old boy. The girl and I immediately felt a connection. Jump forward a few years and we ran across each other again, she was working at a wine bar a friend owns. We talked a bit, helped her husband get a job, talked at the bar while there. About the fall we started talking over text. She announced in October she was getting divorced. We talked about places to live, etc. more conversation. In February while she was still living with her husband we went out on a date. Ended up hooking up. Things were scary and confusing. I was barely separated at this point, but our connection and all that was very strong. Our relationship developed and moved along, she got a place from a friend of hers that she could somewhat afford, furnished with furniture from friends. We moved along, around late fall I was wondering ok, are we just an outlet for excitement that neither of us has had in awhile? She had a hard time around the xmas as she didn't have her kids. I gave her kids bikes for xmas, her a bunch of romantic stuff and we were both in deeper. She started pushing me to move along with our relationship, that we should move in together as a big old group, I wasn't completely clear from my wife and was scared of screwing up my kids. She pulls away, I go in closer, she comes in closer, I get spooked. We move along into Spring, she meets a guy early June that is just separating from his wife, her and I go away a few times in June and I tell her I'm going to get there to please be patient. She says she's trying. End of June she happens to go on a late night hike with this guy, right after we had spent the weekend together. We go away just after the 4th of July, have a great weekend together. Her birthday is the next week. We go out for her birthday, are still being physical, then I find out from a friend that she went on a date with him that same week. Well, I was fairly devastated. She had a big race, of which he was now helping her as a “coach” I had paid her entry fees for the race, on top of supporting her in 18 months time to the tune of about $10k total. She said I couldn't be there for lots of reasons. I said Jesus are you already sleeping with this dude? No. I didn't believe her. She kept saying she needed time and space to sort out things. I said I'm ready to move, I live in my own space that has room for her, etc. She keeps pushing me away. I lose my mind, say lots of really pretty awful things to her, tear apart her weaknesses. Fear and anger hitting the air. We talk about it after she cools off. She says hey I'm committed to being friends with you. Our relationship, our friendship is unique. Our connection is rare she keeps saying. The one other thing, she is a therapist, does lots of couples counseling. I tell her so how many people do you counsel and break up are still pals when the other partner is already sleeping with someone? She says we can do it, I'm committed to it. I get frustrated, say some more awful things. She keeps seeing new dude, who happened to file for divorce the day after her big race.

    He is a 40 year old retail worker, never has had a career, never has done much other than run races win medals. He is rumored to be getting divorced because he was sleeping with girls he was coaching (still is). I said to her man the word is he's a fairly egotistical prick, his insta is filled with only pics of him doing things, no friends nobody else just serious expressions and his feats of amazement. She said oh that's just what people say about him because he's so amazing at what he does. He happens to be a 40 year old working retail and is amazing at running and most people that interact with him think he's a prick. Ok.

    We keep talking, she is upset with me for saying the terrible things I did, which I get. But she keeps reaching out to me. Daily. She is still dating the new dude. I say man you guys getting serious, you in love? Oh God no, it isn't like that. He has no kids. I tell her face to face, hey I miss you a big part of me still loves you. I miss our friendship, I miss talking to you. I say you know as well as I do that the only reason you are with him is because you got angry with me. She doesn't say yes or no. When we are face to face and talk, I can see she still feels very deeply for me, more than she wants to admit. Yet, she still sees and spends the night with him 2-3 times a week. Friends of hers have said yeah he's ok, but he is an arrogant little shit. I was at the bar she works at not knowing she'd be there that night and she'd barely talk to me, yet was messaging me while she was working.

    It's so hard. I know I should just move on, yet we both keep emailing each other. I asked her to go for a walk tomorrow she can't she's working. She came from a super screwy background, her Mom was a drunk, three girls all different Dads that were never around, guys coming through all the time. Her Mom lost custody of her when she was 12. I told her you're like a monkey, you won't let go of one branch until you have a firm grasp on the other branch. I know she still likes me, I see it and hear it in her. I also know that if other dude was out of the way, we'd probably be back together. To what end though.

    So just forget and move on? She has said to me multiple times I never imagined my life without you in it. Again, she is a couples therapist so what the hell. Killing me man.




    Dear Steven B:

    She works at a wine bar and as a couple psychotherapist? And is the mother of two children, four year old and a six year old, approximately? And she dates multiple guys?

    The fact that she is a certified psychotherapist, if she is, means that she passed the tests and filled the requirements in a particular institution and with her state. It does not mean that she is mentally healthy; it does not mean that her behavior makes sense or is functional. Plenty of certified psychotherapists are dysfunctional in their own lives. Many are not effective in their treatment of clients.

    You wrote that you helped her financially, $10,000 total. This is a significant ingredient in the relationship, maybe in her motivation to be in it.

    Probably a good idea for you to move on. I see no point in not moving on, at least intending to move on.




    Steven B so true the words of Anita. I would like to offer that for anyone achieving any kind of degree does not reflect the morality  of that person. Look at much of the leaders of this country. Many have advanced degrees yet many of them have a poverty in the moral department. Make what I call a correction in direction in your life. Not doing so will only delay many good things in life that you deserve.




    I am just gonna say this in the briefest way possible for me Steven : Get out of this ASAP

    This does not look good from any angle. Yes, all those feelings of love that were(or are) there due to all the moments that happened (in the past) between you too makes it extremely difficult, but just leave this thing. It will be hard (as you already are experiencing) but trust me, once you start taking steps, slowly you'll realize it was the better choice. Moving on is the hardest part and it is scary but there is one more thing which even more painful and scary and that is REGRET. Don't waste your time on this relationship anymore, learn from it and move on. If you do decide to move on I suggest you go a for a no-contact period for some time.  However keep your emotions aside when deciding and be a bit more objective and see what kind of behaviors she is displaying instead of what she is saying. Actions tell everything. Don't go by words alone…just don't.

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