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Friendship Break Up..

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  • #367653
    Kylee
    Participant

    So I had this friend, let’s call her Jordan. I had met her through one of my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriends. The three of us got along really well at first, and before I knew it, I was taking over Jordan’s old roommate’s room at where she was living. We had a lot of fun and I met a lot of new people because of her. I felt overjoyed because this was the first time in my life I had a bigger group of girlfriends. We had a few little tiffs between our group, but nothing that ever made me feel like I shouldn’t stay friends with them. After that, the two of us moved into a new house with our boyfriends. We started having issues with them a couple months in, but just normal roommate issues (Not cleaning dishes, leaving things out, having people over late on a work night, etc.) Last month, she decided to go behind my back and sell some mirrors the landlord had left behind for all of us, and I told her that it wasn’t cool. Obviously it’s just the principle that she went and made money for herself without asking any of us first, like we wouldn’t have wanted to make some extra money too, or maybe even want to keep a mirror myself! She couldn’t handle me speaking my mind (because this was the very first time I did) and told me she was “done arguing” then preceded to tell me I was giving her “unnecessary anxiety” and stopped replying. So, I did what I felt I needed to do, and vented about the situation to our mutual friend who had also been having struggles with her lately. But… she accidentally sent a Snapchat to our groupchat and Jordan heard what she had to say. Yikes, I know. We both apologized to Jordan, because our intent was not to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad that her friends were talking about her, but she didn’t even want to hear us out. I understand the initial reaction of seeing two of your friends talk about you”behind your back”, but we weren’t calling her names or putting her down. We were just saying how she’s made us feel recently and that we feel like we don’t ever get to speak out against her, even if its out of love. Nothing we wouldn’t have said to her face. And if you remember from earlier, I TRIED to talk to her about how I felt, and she brushed me off. After she heard and saw the snapchat, she immediately texted the two of us and called us fake, and said she needed space. We understood that could be beneficial and agreed. However, I lived with her at this point still. I would be in the kitchen and she would come in and not even LOOK at me, not only that neither did her BOYFRIEND. Also, no exaggeration, EVERY night after this happened, they invited people over to drink and hang out. Even on weekdays. So after a couple weeks of not getting any sleep and being ignored by 2 of my 3 roommates, my boyfriend and I told them we wanted to move out. I mean what was the point of living with people who don’t even have the respect to tell you before having a bunch of people over in the space YOU ALSO live in?? So we packed up and moved. Since that happened, she deleted a group instagram page my friends had been using to sell clothes, RIGHT in the middle of one of their sales, without consulting anyone first. She’s invited people over that she used to speak badly about and have had fallings out with. She posted a picture with me in it and didn’t tag me. Just very petty petty stuff. I have no interest in mending things with her because she has shown me her true colors very quickly since this happened. However, I know I’m gonna be around her at some point because we share some of the same friends, and I don’t know how to act. The day after this happened, the girl who accidentally sent the snapchat and I, were invited to a girls night that Jordan was going to be at and it was super awkward. Jordan kept deliberately telling all the girls, except us, to come take a picture or take a shot. Obviously trying to alienate us and make us feel left out. The thing is, I know these other girls don’t care to be involved with that and love us regardless of our falling out. How do I show up and own whats happened and not allow myself to fall back when she’s around?

    #367695
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kylee:

    That your former roommate, Jordan, sold something that belonged to you no less than to her without your consent, is unethical and troubling. Having guests on weekdays, and as a result you and your boyfriend had “a couple of weeks without getting any sleep”, together with the other behaviors, makes her what I call a roommate from hell. Good thing you and your boyfriend moved out!

    Regarding the snapchat of the group chat that was accidently sent to Jordan- that’s unfortunate, but it is not a terrible wrongdoing. It is a mistake, that is all.

    “Hoe do I show up and own what’s happened and not allow myself to fall back when she’s around?”- I don’t understand, what do you mean by “own what’s happened” and by “fall back”?

    anita

    #368580
    Kylee
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. I definitely agree, she was a roommate from hell.

    What I mean by that question is, we still have many mutual friends. We haven’t ran into each other yet, due to COVID I am not going to any gatherings with more than 10 people, but I know it’ll happen sooner or later. I’m unsure how to act around her because I’m not wanting to talk to her but I also don’t want to make my other friends to feel uncomfortable. The three of us involved attended a small girls get together the day after everything went down, and Jordan was  blatantly ignoring us and leaving us out. Calling all the other girls by name to come take a picture, or to take a shot, etc. I don’t want to do the same thing she did but I also don’t want her to think I’m cool with her at all.

    #368592
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kylee:

    You are welcome.  You described her as an unreasonable person who is also not a decent/ considerate person, therefore it is reasonable for you to expect her to continue to behave in the ways she has already behaved.

    I suggest that when you get together with her and with mutual friends, be friendly to her, as friendly as you are to the others; show her no animosity, no passive-aggressive comments of any kind and hope for the best. This way there will be fewer chances that she will demonstrate unfriendly behaviors toward you.

    “I also don’t want her to think I’m cool with her at all”- in the context of getting together with mutual friends, I suggest that you don’t express to her that you are not cool with her. Avoid being with her in any other context– that’s the best you can do to send her the message that you are indeed, not cool with her at all.

    anita

    #368596
    Kylee
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thanks again, your words were very helpful.

    It’s always better to be the bigger person. If she sees me being kind, it will most likely make her feel stupid for how she’s acted toward me.

    #368597
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kylee:

    You are welcome. I agree with you: “if she sees me being kind, it will most likely make her feel stupid for how she’s acted toward” you, plus it is likely to make her stupid for behaving in a similar way again, in front of the mutual friends.

    anita

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