*find our way

Hi Luna

Thank you for your kind wishes! It’s very kind of you to offer to hear more about my relationships. As you picked up on (you’re very intuitive), I was trying to share things that might be relevant to you. There is a whole book I could write about relationships 😂 perhaps too much has happened in my life to say.

That feeling of noviceness passes with experience. I can tell that you’re a very capable person. I’m sure that as you progress on your dating journey you will feel more confident! Beginners nerves are natural.

You mentioned feeling like you’re struggling to find the keys. Do you have any specific concerns?

I would agree, that there are some things that your friends and self-reflection can immediately help with. Some things you can only learn by doing. Reflection and friendship can help you to navigate these experiences retroactively though.

Please feel free to share anything you would like to talk about! I’d be quite happy to have another friend and pen pal.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Dear Luna:

In your three posts, you shared (the italicized are your words, with adjusted pronouns) that you are in your early 20s, a practical person who has never had a committed romantic relationship. You feel inexperienced, even a bit naive when it comes to intimacy on an emotional level, intimidated by your lack of understanding of relationships on a realistic level. You think that one will be very beneficial to you, in term of your current personal growth;  that some dating experience will help you become a better version of yourself.

You shared that you are more introspective than most people, but you are starting to feel that what you need to learn next, is no longer up to your self-reflection- alone or in the context of friendships- but something deeper than both.

“I have some concerns about dating, mainly because of the models I’ve seen throughout my life in relationships“- I am guessing (and please do correct me if I am wrong) that what you witnessed growing up, and still (?), are romantic relationships that did not promote personal growth, maybe even stunted personal growth, and therefore, you are very hesitant about getting into one.

“My question now is how can I best make the most out of this feeling and if some of you have felt this before, I’d love to hear your story“- (by this feeling, you were referring to feeling inexperienced even a bit naive when it comes to intimacy on an emotional level).

My answer/ my story: before I ever had a beginning of a romantic relationship, I was already experienced in the context of romantic relationships: not as a participant, but as a witness. The witnessing itself equaled the experience: my earliest and only memory of the romantic relationship between my mother and father is that of the time I was about 5-years-old. It was night time, they were fighting. There was screaming, hitting perhaps… my mother said she was going to kill herself.  They left the apartment into the night. I was left alone..  I left the apartment myself, looking for my mother, afraid to find her dead. When I found her in the street (there were other people there), I was so happy to see her alive! I ran to her.. ran for her to take me in her arms, exclaiming out loud: oh mother, you are alive! But seems like my exclamation embarrassed her in front of the people, as if I made a secret- public, and she retorted: why wouldn’t I be alive?  Angry, she did not take me into her arms. Angry, she left me alone in my confusion and emotional devastation.

Quite a story, isn’t it? Thing is, it may be relevant to you even if your story is less extreme: when as children, we witness emotionally charged situations that feel threatening to us (a mother’s possible death is threatening to a child!), we are emotionally involved in those situations. And so, in the apartment, as a 5-year-old, peeking through the door of my small room, I personally experienced the horror a few feet away as a witness.

Next, I experienced something as a participant: running toward my mother and her rejection of me, leaving me alone in confusion and emotional devastation. This experience does not get contained in a child-parent category, leaving future romantic relationships untouched. As an adult, I had no trust that a man will be any different from my mother.

Back to your words: feeling inexperienced even a bit naive when it comes to intimacy on an emotional level– I assume that as a child, as a witness and a participant, you gained powerful experiences, some positive, other negative,  when it comes to intimacy. Did you?

anita

Dear LunaIsHere:

You are welcome and thank you for your empathy!

“I can see how you’re drawing the link between the parent-child bond and my inquiry and I expected this to be brought up given they’re the most common models in terms of a healthy (or not) couple partnership. So to get back to your question, like any other child, I have received powerful messages from my environment on how to act and be in a couple… For more context, I’m very passionate about self-development and I’m very future-oriented when it comes to matters of the heart.“-

– you are very intelligent, educated, an intellectual.. I wonder if, like I have been most of my life, you too remove yourself from  a hands-on, emotional experience of life, so to speak, in the context of relationships, romantic and/ or otherwise, mostly limiting your experience to the intellect?  I wonder if you are trying to intellectually understand the matters of the heart before you experience these matters hands-on?

“I’m asking about getting mentally ready for being in a relationship through self-development. For more context, I’m very passionate about self-development“-

– self development has to include social development because we are social animals, and the self is not separated from the social. You find out a whole lot more about yourself in the context of genuinely interacting with other people than you do when alone (or when you socialize with others but in a detached, removed way). In other words, there’s a lot about you that you can never get to know or understand unless you are personally and genuinely involved in a relationship.

“My question comes back to what extent can I help myself get to the point where I can have a healthy relationship if I don’t have a reference to it. I realize that is a big question given that first relationships often end up being a test before one really settles but even them, with enough work on oneself, can be constructive in terms of gaining social experience and a better understanding of people“-

– (1) I think that I understand your anxiety about having had no reference to a healthy romantic relationship, not as a witness and not as a participant. (2) When facing any big question, it is helpful to break it down to small pieces. When you get to the point of having what may be a beginning of a committed romantic relationship, at that point, take  it one step at a time, one day at a time, or one hour at a time. (3) I don’t know what you mean by a first relationship being a test…?

anita

Dear Luna: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Hi Luna

Sorry for the delayed reply. It’s been a bit busy for me recently. I will always write as soon as I’m able to though!

Yes, it’s getting dark really quickly here. I’m not afan of winter because of how dark it gets for most of the day. When it’s dark my body wants to shut down and rest. As opposed to summer when it’s very light for ages and I want to do things in the evening.

That’s very kind of you to say!

Yes, unfortunately unhealthy dynamics are pretty common in relationships. It’s definitely a challenge to navigate. That’s why having strong boundaries is very important. Being in touch with your emotions is important too, because they let you know when boundaries are being crossed. If the way someone treats you makes you feel badly, it’s important to think about what happened and take appropriate action. And you have to be able to speak up and say no, when something makes you uncomfortable.

I think it’s just as important to consider what you don’t want in a relationship as to consider what you do want.

Yes, I’ve also had difficulties with mixed signals. When you talk about difficulties with mixed signals, do you mean finding it difficult to tell if someone is flirting? Or difficulty gauging interest in a relationship? Or something else?

Dating can honestly be difficult these days. People are very open about wanting sex, but not a relationship. Or wanting to see multiple people at the same time. I think what I found difficult was finding someone that I was interested in, who was also interested in me and also interested in having a relationship and also practiced healthy dynamics in a relationship.

If you find my stories of relationships interesting I will share my second boyfriend with you.

It didn’t last very long. He was a little older, funny and nice, but his hygiene was not that good. I found that he was more interested in the physical side of things than I was and that made me a bit uncomfortable. He always backed off when I asked him to. We had the nicest breakup I’ve ever had. I said that I needed to talk to him about something.  He said I think I know what you want to talk about. How about we just have a nice day, one last time? And I agreed. We had a lovely date and stayed friends afterwards. I think that’s the most mature and healthy break up I’ve ever had.

To be honest, I started dating because my mother pressured me to. I wasn’t really interested in dating initially.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏