Hi Fairy,

Its really good that you feel wonderful after ending relationship. Usually people struggle to break free or struggle post breakup, even after discovering that they were manipulated for a long time. I am one of them.

There’s something I would like to warn you about before I give you some advice. People google about gaslighting, read and understand signs and then start believing that exactly what happened, just to gain some understanding of their traumatic event. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to say if someone gaslighting you or not, unless that person comes out and admits it. Anyway, my point is even if you have discovered whether you were manipulated intentionally or not ( alot of times it is unintentional) it doesn’t make any difference in your life. It didn’t make any difference in mine, in fact, it made me things worse by making me more angry and bitter towards my ex. So, if you can, just stop yourself from falling into trap.

If you really want to take steps to self-empowerment, self love, boost confidence and self esteem, you really need to see few things.
1. Self responsibility Manipulation or gaslighting happens when we do not take responsibility of saying “No” or ” I don’t like the way you are treating me” Or ” You are crossing boundaries here”. First thing to learn is how you can say no and walk away from any relationship if the person was treating you poorly or crossing lines again and again. If you learn this you will boost your self esteem.

Remember this, the world doesn’t do it to us, we do it to ourselves. So, take things in your hand now ( which you are doing in some way).

2. Learn to love being alone Another biggest cause of getting gaslighted/manipulated is fear of being alone. People stay in toxic, abusive relationship because they are too scared to walk away ( include me in this). They put up with disloyal, not loving, unkind, mean, verbally or physically abusive, cheating partner because they are so afraid to be alone. If only, you now how to enjoy being with no one around you. So, find ways to practice that.

3. Learn to find you self worth, your value, your validation and love within yourself. Manipulator usually find people who struggles with self love, self worth and validation. They then put their victim in the beginning of the relationship, on pedestal, always showering with love and enormous affection. Then slowly they change their behavior, making their victim feel as if its his or her fault. So, the victim ( I am that person) tries to do everything right and still couldn’t understand why relationship is falling apart. And then the manipulator use this as leverage to do wrong things and continues to tell their victim that they are overreacting or insecure or possessive or jealous or blah blah blah….you name it. Sadly, victim’s start doubting all his judgments, memory and gut feelings as if he is losing his mind. And then its all downhill from there.

If I only learn to find my worth within myself and didn’t look for my validation outside, nobody can then manipulate, because I won’t seek their approval. Then I will have the courage ( balls) to say F##K YOU for treating me poorly and walk away whenever I want to. As you can see how self empowering that is 🙂

4 Learn to live in present and be happy now So when shit like gaslighting happens, its aftermath issues are quite draining. Mind continues to be confused and one feel isolate and lost for a while. Their is alot of pain and grief to go through which requires time and patience. What important to understand is one day we have to let go and forgive to move forward. Otherwise we continue our suffering. So, start cultivating letting go and forgiveness now. It will take alot of time for them to develop.

Living in present means what has happened, has happened , its gone, done, finished, over. See what is your present, which is that you are beautiful, loving and kind girl who’s worthy of love and who’s happy with what she have in her life. Develop this understanding and start loving yourself and find happiness within you first.

5. Traumatic memories of ex
What I do is, when I see those traumatic images ( when she was lying or manipulating) or hear those words or both, which often repeats again and again and again, I say to myself that she didn’t know what she was doing (manipulating) to me and she must have alot of pain in her heart to inflict this upon me and I forgive her for that. It doesn’t always work but when it does I feel relief.

6. Friends and hobbies Best thing to do is try out every sport and see what interests you. Then see if you can sign for a program or a club. Then introduce yourself to whoever you encounter in a friendly kind way ( not flirting please). Then slowly build bonds with people by asking about their lives and all. Do not rush, do not have a very long conversation, do not try too hard if the other person is not receptive. It takes time to make friends, not everyone wants to be friends, so go slow and let them find you to 🙂

I could write a whole book on this. But I think this should be enough to give you directions. Here’s what I read somewhere
Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. You can turn this 11 yrs of pain into something best for yourself ( strong, resilient, confident and independent girl), you can, you know. I send you my love and compassion.

Brav3

Dear Fairy:

Perhaps a yoga class, a Tai Chi class, to get you together with people while practicing a mindful activity: relaxing yoga and the slow, purposeful movements of tai Chi can do wonder.

anita